IN CRISIS

[xken728]

Since my last post things have become very dark indeed ,and i spend a good part of my days layed down unable to function .My illness has now touched my family very deeply ,something i said i would never let happen but the place were im in now is such a dark frightening place i can nither understand or can escape from .I saw my doctor on Friday and actually told him that i think im going to die ,he assurred me this was not going to happen ,but then he not in the cold grip of the demon im in now ,i call it the demon because this is what its like ,im in another world here i can see my life ,but can no longer touch or control anything in it,my family must be under emense pressure and strain and this only makes my pain hurt even more .I pray daily for some relief from this hell ,and i do all i can to fight it and get better .
I can be a man of words and explain things in a way people can understand but no matter how hard i try i cannot explain the horror of what im feeling now ,if not for my sake i hope this terror lifts soon for my lovely Fran and my to girls they have lost their Father and a husband and they fear they may not see him again
Thankyou and Goodnight Ken and Fran

[xken728]

Each day seems blacker than the last ,and as i lay in bed i wonder how i will take another morning waking up ,the terrible painful knot in my stomach the feeling of being on the edge of insanity ,eventually i get myself up ,shave .take Fran for a little shopping ,all done in a painful trance,both phychical and mental .Cold stareing eyes filled with fear at what this terrible illness is going to do to me next ,and here i am once more in bed wondering how i will get through tommorrow ,i still pray hard
each night but knowone or nothing hears .Goodnight Ken and Fran

[xken728]

i can see my pain reflected in Frans face ,she understands the torment im under yet nothing she can do can help me ,we hug and have cryed together many times ,our love for each other is very strong ,and she knows well this is the only things that keeps me alive .
the threat of the things that i fear so much yet cannot see nor touch is almost driving me out of my mind, i use any excuse to go to bed and lay down to shut out the pain , i think now that this may be my life for the rest of my days my head hurts and i feel like hitting it against the wall .
the darkness has me in such a grip i feel like i could never be free.
Goodnight my freinds .
Ken and Fran

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))

Get the rest and don't give up the faith or fight.

Take care

Warmie

[xken728]

thankyou for your kind reply Warmie ,i do hope your well.
things are even worse here and i feel like im trapped between two worlds ,one full of love and the other full of fear and darkness ,im hurting those i love and i feel like im letting my loved ones down ,i cannot begin to understand the strain fran must be under ,even though she shows a brave face ,she says she just want her husband back ,little things hurt and show the extent of my fall into decline ,the unwashed car ,the garden untidy ,my unwillingness to do just about anything ,i feel like a burden and each day fills me with terror .
i get no pleasure from anything anymore ,I love my family dearly and would never do anything to hurt them ,but the pain is unbearable it is only there love that keeps me alive ,the days are empty and without purpose ,when i look in the mirror in the morning to shave i see only an empty shell looking back ,all that i am is lost and i feel afraid .
I love you Fran
Goodnight everyone best wishes Ken and Fran

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

i get no pleasure from anything anymore ..........I love you Fran

((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))

There is your pleasure, the lady beside you. Don't give up, she isn't. Take care, please.

Jeanie

[xken728]

Hi Jeanie girl thankyou for your kind words ,of course fran will stand by me but it must be very painful for her ,im getting worse by the day and at this moment in time ,i dont know how i can keep coping .
i pray daily and ask for guidence ,i dont want something majic to happen i just want fate to give me a push in the right direction ,i wish i could explian to everyone how i feel ,its a strange world i feel nither alive or dead ,and im just a vessel ,an empty body that deppression is using to walk the earth,total and utter misery is all i feel ,i love my family so much and i know they must be hurting .
i will continue to pray to whatever it is that rules this life but i feel all is lost ,i have so much love all around me ,yet i feel so alone and frightened .
goodnight my freind i hope your well ,and had a good summer
best wishes Ken and Fran .
goodnight everyone.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((( Ken )))))))))

Do as you are. One day at a time, with your family supporting you. All you can do.

I hope this finds things as well as they can be. Making it here, never say never, what I live by.

Take care

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))

A thinking of you..... Warmie said what I would have and better than I could have.

[xken728]

thankyou for your kind words the both of you ,im not great still at the moment ,but ive calmed down a little ,My dear Fran understands me and knows how im feeling ,and thats a great comfort .weve both had a terreble year ,but more about that another time ,
Have a nice Christmas my freinds .
And thankyou for your support ,warm wishes ,Ken and Fran,,,,

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Then may the coming of the new year bring all good to you and yours.

Warmie

[Ste]

I wish I could offer more than my prayers and thoughts but if you would ever like to talk, I am here.