my story

[chip]

Wow....where to start?

For about 23 years, I've battled depression/anxiety. It would take me too many pages to describe my detailed experiences but the latest of them is probably the most relavent right now.

At age 45, in 2010, I found myself incarcerated in the state prison for possessing a firearm during a felony (aggravated menacing). Before you think the worst, let me tell you why that happened.

I was completely at my end. I wanted to die. So I chose to try "suicide by cop". Yeah, that's right. And it was the worst decision I have EVER made in my life!

I had no criminal record, not even many speeding tickets, before that. But in our state, they have MANDATORY sentences for certain crimes that are unavoidable if found guilty of. And despite my doctors records of my history of mental illness, the judges hands were tied. The fact that it involved many police officers at the scene, the nature of the crime, and the fact that I had a public defender sealed my fate.

The gun was not loaded and thank god for my wife (now ex-wife) who was there that told them I was trying to get them to shoot me or else I would have probably been shot that night.

My stomach right now feels like I'm going to throw-up. I'm not very proud to say the least about my attempt. It has cost me a wife (who stuck with me through a hell of a lot of hospital stays for psych reason along the way but just had enough after that night......and the fact that I was not myself that night and scared her so bad that she almost had a heart attack..litterally), and has put a serious kink in all of my friends relationships. Most have disowned me, although, I cant figure out how true friends would do that....but....I did a horrible thing.

My kids, thank God, still love me and want to be a part of my life but it will take some time to get the trust they used to have back in my life. But at least they dont hate me for it.

I was just released, after 2 and a half years in prison, on the 20th of September. It has been a whirlwind since then. I am adjusting to a lot of things all at once.

So there you have it.

I will say this; don't be too quick to think the worst of me. This event was not typical of me at all. It was the result of a long battle to will myself to stay alive when I really didnt want to. The nightmare that I endured the last year prior to the attempt was hell. The last couple of years in jail......was WORSE! I am going to be okay though and eventually, I will get myself together.

Thanks for letting me share my horror story