The older I get...

[WhatAboutMe]

...the more confusing the world is. I don't mean in an Alzheimer's kinda way, I just mean that the more I learn about the world around me, the more I realize how inconsistent this life is. There is so much beauty, yet there is even more evil and pain. Just when I think I know how to be proactive to improve the circumstances of my life, I wind up making things worse. I try to cling to any positive thinking I manage to conjure, but things always seem to backfire. The consummate loser. It seems to be getting harder to recover from the self-destruction with each successive implosion. Am I reaching the point of no return? I've tried following all the rules. I've tried breaking all the rules. I've tried being outspoken. I've tried being demure. I've tried conformity and I've tried being rogue. I've tried making changes when things were bad. I've tried "sticking it out" when things were bad. I've tried the middle ground of all of the above extremes. I don't seem to fit anywhere, or with anyone. I'm 45 and alone; I have never heard the words "I love you " from a "someone special". And I just don't understand.[/b]

[mr_black]

You've tried a lot of different things to get things right. Have you tried being yourself? What's the "real you"? Where in all those things you've tried does the real you come into play? What makes you happy?

[WhatAboutMe]

That's just it... I don't know if there has ever been a "real me"... I used to think I understood the concept but now I think maybe it doesn't exist. I mean, I get it - be true to yourself - but right now it is really difficult to even define myself. When I have behaved in ways that follow my heart and my instincts, I get punched in the gut with rejection. When that happens repeatedly, I start to wonder if "who I am" is just unacceptable, to me, to the rest of the world, to the cosmos...how do you overcome that? Rejection and loneliness is a destruction potion... did the real me get annihilated by it? I rack my brain trying to think of something, anything that might peak my interests and tap into "me", but there are just so many unmet expectations, so much disillusionment. I find so little to be interested in anymore. I know that anhedonia is the quintessential description of depression, a total lack of ability to experience joy. I miss joy.

[mr_black]

Yes, there's a real you in there and you're no different than anyone else. I think I see you in there anyway.

You'd like to be in a relationship with someone who loves you. When that doesn't turn out like planned you feel like it's some flaw in your character or being that's to blame and don't know how to fix it. The truth is it has nothing to do with that at all. Sometime things just don't work out the way we planned. That doesn't make you a bad person or mean you're broken.

You haven't found the person who's right for you, and you may never find them, but if that's what you hinge happiness on you may never be happy either. Try to learn to be more comfortable with and accepting of yourself. You may have to lower your expectations and settle for contentment rather than strive for outright joy. That doesn't mean you have to give up on happiness.

[WhatAboutMe]

I try not to dwell on the unmet expectations, i.e. the never being part of a couple (spouse, partner, soul mate, by any other name...) never having children of my own and the whole lifetime of milestones and memories that would have generated. To some degree I have accepted this reality, I mourn it, but I realize that happiness can come in many different shapes and colors.

My bewilderment also is driven by the fact that I have been unable to secure a career in which I thrive and can sustain more than a few years at a time. My resume is getting really hard to fit onto one page because I have held so many different jobs! I am educated with an advanced degree. but the field in which I am trained didn't "fit" me, or I didn't fit it, regardless it didn't last and the field is rather narrow. My degrees don't particularly translate very far into other fields. Since I left that career, I have taken some jobs that some would consider "menial", beneath my capabilities. I am not a snob; at least I try not to be. I have always believed that any job, if done with commitment and integrity, has an intrinsic nobility. Problem is, I washed out of those jobs very quickly, maybe due to being overqualified, maybe due to the way blue collar labor is treated is often horrendous and untenable for me. I am again unemployed at present, scared that in a still awful economy jobs opportunities will remain scarce, scared that my job history will be a barrier from getting any of the jobs that are there, scared that my pattern of "bouncing" will continue instead of landing in a position that I can actually sustain until retirement. I think my job history makes me look like a flake.

So - no family, no job (which also means no health coverage in middle age). The title "Loser" is getting harder and harder to shake off. there are times when I feel that everything I touch, I manage to destroy (jobs, relationships, etc...) and I am left so, so very bewildered at where to turn next.