How I got here--do you relate?

[Repetition]

Hi, my story is this. One of four children, low-income, single-mother family. I showed brightness at an early age, out-performing my entire K-8 school. No friends to speak of, really, ostracized and angry very early on (no father probably contributed to that anger and sense of victimization). Made it to h/s, breezed through, performing very well, top 1% of several thousand students. No direction, though, and certainly no role models, no one pushing me to do my best, to work hard, or to properly prepare or plan for college or a career. No one helped me define success, all I had to go on were things I pulled from the fantasy novels and other escapist outlets I poured myself into in search of role models and ideals of behavior.

Not surprisingly, such a thin, fictional sense of the answers to life's questions broke down towards the end of h/s, and I have spent every year since feeling lost and directionless, with a strong sense of personal failure and inability to be decisive or motivated. Went to a college well-beneath my performance level (no one assisted me in applying, or suggested I shoot higher), which was just as well, b/c I showed up completely unprepared for the demands of college-level study. Crashed hard first semester, slowly built up a study/work-ethic at least sufficient to get me to cram hard the night before an exam, and to do the assignments well enough. Bit of a roller-coaster ride, but left college after having wandered through like 7 different disciplines with a GPA comfortably above 3.0.

3 years of wandering followed, 1 of which was productive, the other 2 of which consisted of me being a 'failure to launch' living at home, wasting away at a part-time job with no sense of purpose or mission.

now i'm at the end of an MA program i entered, squandering 10's of thousands of dollars in student debt, just to get out of the house and to try to do something. it's been an emotional whirlwind, forcing myself to continue with this program, but i find myself incapable of working up the motivation to work on my required research paper to get the degree. Virtually no interest in the work, and no sense of what the degree might lead to that I'd like. Well, no real sense of what I'd like either, that being a major part of my depression.

throughout my teens and onward, i've struggled through regularly feeling detached from life and others, robotic even, but also emotionally volatile and prone to fall apart once life pressure has made it through the armor of my detachment. working up motivation to do anything is often all but impossible, and getting out of bed of my own accord as well. i am sick of feeling trapped and tired, but daunted at how much effort and daily obsession it would take to change. worst part is the feeling of being a "failure to launch," though at time i successfully convince myself i'll find my groove, or that conventional obsessions with worldly success are hollow displacements at best (as many late career people seem to "discover," according to polls). Yeah, I am daily my own worst enemy, but I am my most regular companion, and there is no truly escaping the self, no matter how desperately people seek to suppress themselves in work or others.

[leftover_2]

If you're finding it hard to find motivation to achieve the degree you would like set goals. It could be that you need something tangible to look forward to in order to feel the motivation to work hard. What do you hope to gain from your course specifically, and why did you take it in the first place, ask yourself that.
I find that to make myself happier I spend time with friends, do you have a good social group around you while you're living at home? Have you considered student accommodation during your degree to perhaps get out and meet people, part of working towards something is having time off to have fun with friends and take your mind off work.
I hope I've somewhat been able to help,
leftover_2.