Hi Everyone hope to meet some people i can relate (trigger)

[KAI04]

so it is hard to me to talk about these things but i feel i can't handle feeling this way anymore. Since i was 15, i have struggled with anxiety and depression, when i was younger i tried to deal with it on my own to embarrassed to open up to anyone. Then in my twenties a couple years ago i had a major break and ended up self-harming. That was a horrible time of my life i felt alone , because when i get like this i alienate myself from friends and family and even the thought of going to the corner store caused me to have panic attacks. I ended up spending my summer locked up inside my room in the dark to anxious to come out. I ended up taking it upon myself to get myself into a study, that dealth with these issues and promised myself that i would never let it get that bad again. I often wonder why i struggle with this and think of all the oppurtunities i have given up dew to my bouts of depression. Growing up, i dealth with an alcoholic mother, who though i hate to admit probably has a lot to do with the way i feel about myself now. She would often leave more months on end and then return to verbally and psychically abuse me. Though i love my dad i feel he never defend me and should have taken me out of this situation when i was younger but didn't and the abuse went on until i was 18 and decided to leave. About a year ago my mom was focrced to go to rehab and had been sober since (first time i ave ever seen her sober in my entire life) and i thought this woul finally give us a chance to potentially have some kind of relationship but she is unable to even awknowledge anything she has done and hasn't even admitted honestly she had a problem. I wish it could be different between us but the sad relality is that she doesn't care. So on top of that recently i had to move out of my apartment because a couple months ago i was working fulll time and going to school full time and my neighbours were constantly fighting, so i moved in with my dad momentarily which has just made things worse. Then i started seeing my ex again who i dated for five years, who just told me hes dating someone else. I feel like my life is once again spinning out of control i know what i need to do but i have been waking up with acute anxiety and finding it hard to concentrate. I went to the doctors and have gone back on medication but i am feeling overwhelmed and feel like it woud be so much easier not to be around. I hate that i feel that but i am so sick and tried of feeling this way. It sounds chessey but i'd do anything just to feel happy, genuinely happy. i am done school in two weeks and couldn't even bring myself to go today, i know this is self destructive behaviour and i should try and keep to my schedule but the anxietty was unbearble today...i just don't know what to do anymore

[balcony]

Hi KAI04, Welcome to the forums. In reading what you wrote I am first and foremost struck with your incredible strength. Growing up is difficult under the best circumstances and no child should have to endure what you describe. You are very brave. I am glad your mother has started to address her addiction problem and I hope that in time things will be better for your relationship. I am glad you went back to your doctor and I would encourage you to do whatever is necessary..therapy/counseling to help with the anxiety. You have come so far with school, living on your own, working....things you should be so proud of yourself for accomplishing. Keep posting and you might wish to check out our chat room here as well.
Hugs

[mcteager]

Hi Kai, I am TRULY sorry you feel this way, but, heck, i feel sorry EVERYONE feels this way, myself included. I know there isn't a magic pill to make it all go away and really wish i knew an easy answer, but, i don't. I know i'm close to the edge, but then again, this isn't about me.. its about YOU !!!! I know we all have a purpose in life and that obstacles come in place when we feel like we may not be able to handle them. But then again... we're here...so we really, really DO want to get over this..... fact is... we ALL want to be accepted and LOVED... to know we matter.. to someone... anyone.... i could go on and on... but know this.. even though i don't know you...and am typing through tears, i was compelled to answer your post.. why??.. dunno.. call it guidance from a higher power, karma...whatever...but i HAD to answer your post, even had to register, even though i was just reading others post and realizing maybe, just maybe, my lot in life wasn't that bad.. I DO know we ALL need support...someone to talk to...to listen.. those people for me have all gone home, and family was all brought up to fend for themselves, so its just me...but know this... i DO care...how wonderful a world if EVERYONE cared.. about people and this world...not just $$$$.. hang in....hang on... finish your classes...make that your small step..and find people that DO care.. i seem to think they are mostly the givers in this world...takers just care about themselves..somethings telling me you have a beautiful soul.. dunno, just got this really warm feeling as i thought about your situation.. i've gotten older, and so my ears have gotten bigger( they say they keep growing..yikes..).. so i have more to listen with.. please reach out if you need.... or want to..there ARE people that DO care... ..*steps off his soapbox*

[KAI04]

you know it's weird i didn;t really know what i was seraching for when i joined this site and i guess i am still figuring itout. But even just writing out a bit of what i have been feeling now for so long seemed a direction in the right step. i know how hard it must be for everyone that has to go through painful situations and i know for me and probably most of us the burden it feels to tell other people. but to be able to write it down somewhere and somehow make it real and then know other people read it and took a few moments to express good energy is really touching.