Tired.

[jj]

i am so very very tired. im sick of the sound of my voice and the negative thoughts im having. i hate that i hate myself so much. im just so tired. i want to express myself properly so i can feel less alone and lost and confused and scared but im so tired of sharing and talking and doing this over and over and over. im just so tired. i want someone to save me but i know only i can save myself. but i just really need a helping hand and to be carried or something. i just want to fall. or to be a baby. i dont want any responsibility for anything. breathing and being is difficult right now.

[Amanda]

Hi JJ,

Ur obviously in a very dark place right now. I feel the exact same way when I'm at my lowest. Thoughts keep spinning around and around and it feels like an enormous whole in the very centre of ur being that seems impossible to fill, and sometimes it feels like a physical pain. I know how u feel, it does get tiresome.

It's so draining that you feel helpless and powerless and just need someone to lift u out. But ur not powerless or helpless, it's just the depression making u feel this way, skewing ur thought process.

I'm not one to give advice, but sometimes when I'm falling down into the pits of depression, I catch myself and say to myself "no, I wont let it beat me, it's a chemical imbalance, it's not who I am, it doesn't define me, I'm going to fight, and when it feels impossible I'm going to fight harder". It may not help you but I'm a very stubborn person, and even though usually it doesn't lift me the whole way out, it does give me strength to do what I have to do to get through the next day.

I'm still trying to find my way through the haze of depression, but I'm hopeful. Just try to hold onto ur hope. I don't know if this has helped at all, probably not, but just don't give up, please. Ur a valuable human being and please try to remember that.

Take care
Amanda

[Olive123]

Hi your not alone in the exact same place right now. It feels like it will never end. I dont like myself and im tired of that feeling. Its very draining. I feel like i can really relate to you though.

[jj]

Dear amanda and olive,

Thankyou for taking the time to reply I appreciate that. Since this post I have made som progress. I think the thing that is the most bothering is the way you get better get worse get worse get better and nothing seems permanent. It just feels so very out of control at times. I'm working on it with my counsellor though and I think I'm going in the right direction. When I feel relatively okay, things are okay, when I feel low again its just an unbearable mountain on top of me and its very hard to stay positive.

Jj

[St8arrow]

i am so very very tired. im sick of the sound of my voice and the negative thoughts im having. i hate that i hate myself so much. im just so tired. i want to express myself properly so i can feel less alone and lost and confused and scared but im so tired of sharing and talking and doing this over and over and over. im just so tired.

From St8arrow

Hello JJ. It certainly would get tiring to say the same things over and over and do the same things over and over and nothing ever changes. So I am going to make a generalized statement and then I am hoping that such a statement will motivate you to submit one of the things that never changes for you and perhaps we can take a different approach and see if that "change" results in a positive change for you.

You are suffering from a fear of failure in achievements that are important to you and nobody so far has been able to give you some advice to help you achieve a higher level of success in those achievements. Hopefully that has triggered a response from you and if so, we can go from there.


From JJ

i want someone to save me but i know only i can save myself. but i just really need a helping hand .

Good comments. It is true that ultimately you must save yourself. That is in keeping with the expression that says: --- You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him (or her) drink. Thanks for having the courage to come into this website and share your story with us. You are among friends and we will try our best to help you. Cheers to you and --- WELCOME ABOARD!!!

[jj]

Hey St8arrow

I definitely do have a fear of failure, i've known this for a long time. I'm not sure how being aware of this helps though, but id be very grateful if you could advise me further.

I did a post a long time ago with my full story, why i am here, how i got here etc, however im getting to the point now where the past isnt relevant to why i am here. That's a good thing i think. The present is the thing bothering me mostly now. I am making slow progress though. The good kind. Its only when i look back to how i was, that i realise how far i have come.

I appreciate all the support and listening ears. Thanks

jj

[dustinthewind]

I too can relate to your feelings. It is frustrating that they good times come and go and can be so unpredictable. I honestly feel I could cope better if I could get a schedule--like you will be in the darkest of times for 1.5 weeks, but then have a reprieve for two weeks..

Sending positive thoughts!