Broken and desperate for relief

[defeated2012]

I would first like to apologize because this will probably be long and rambling. I don't expect many people will have the patience to read through all of this. I desperately need someone to "talk" to. I have just two very close friends who I can confide in and some of the things in this I cannot even tell them. But I lean on them far too much and they have their own lives to live. Plus, because I recently, (3 months ago) moved across country, they are now 1100 miles away. I feel so alone.

Everything I have done in life I have been a complete failure. I make a mess of everything and all of my relationships (except for the friends referenced above.) The feelings of self loathing are consuming me. I just want to die. The ONLY thing that keeps me alive are my two sons. One who is severely autistic and lives with his dad. The other son lives with me. (But he is back in the midwest with his dad for 1/2 the summer) I couldn't destroy my children by committing suicide. My autistic son would have no capacity to understand, but would wonder where his momma went. My other son's life would be irreparably changed however. Although if I don't figure out a way to get it together soon-I fear my existence is accomplishing the same thing anyway. I think alot about how I could do it and make it look like an "accident" so as to cushion the blow/him not having to live with the knowledge that his mother killed herself. It scares me to have those thoughts.

This afternoon, while home alone, I took 3 Tylenol Pm and 2 Percocet (left over from a recent prescription due to EXTREME tooth pain). I know that wasn't enough to kill me...Although from what I read beforehand the acetaminophen dosage of all the pills is not good/could cause liver damage. Not having the guts to take anymore than that, I guess I was hoping to get "lucky". Of course it didn't do anything but make me extremely groggy. My husband came home early, (he had been working) and I was asleep with the bottles of pills next to me. I'm sure he saw them but said nothing and i woke up just enough to be able to hide them under my pillow. I slept for another couple of hours and woke up trying to be "normal" but spent the rest of the evening in random spurts of bawling. Now its late and I've taken a couple of more pills hoping to eventually get some sleep which is my only escape from the pain.

So why do I feel defeated? Because of just about everything. I am a failure as a mother. A year after my divorce I made the painful decision to let my ex have physical custody of our severely autistic son, who is now 13. During and after our divorce his behaviors were too extreme for me to handle and I was dealing with alot of depression and other issues at the time. I felt it would be for the best. At that time I lived within a reasonable distance from him at least (2 hours) and could see him regularly (every 2 weeks). Because of the extreme behaviors related to his autism, Jacob has spent the last year at a residential facility (near where my ex lives) to try and get him help that he needs. He is now doing wonderfully and is getting ready to transition back home to live with his dad again. That part does make me happy at least. It is good to see him doing so well after years and years of struggle. But I MISS him. I remarried a year and a half ago. Last November my husband took a job working for his brother's company out east. It was a blessing for us financially and provided us with the ability to better support my other son Noah (who lives with me) and my step daughters. Me and the kids moved out there the beginning of April. But now I am 1100 miles away from "jacob" and will only see him every 6 weeks, if I am lucky. I feel like a failure for not being able to take care of him myself. And extreme guilt for moving so far away. My heart ACHES every day missing him. I was able to spend a couple of days last weekend with him when we drove back to the midwest for a wedding. It was a perfect visit with him. Saying goodbye tore my heart apart.

I feel like a failure as a mother. My son "Noah", although not autistic, has significant learning disabilities and emotional/anger issues. I am overwhelmed by my role as wife, mother, stepmother. I do not have the capacity right now be who they need me to be. I am angry and hostile far too much of the time. This is not who I want to be.

I love my husband, but my marriage is falling apart. We met/became involved 4 1/2 years ago under what was hardly appropriate circumstances. We were both in failing marriages to unfaithful, neglectful spouses at the time and met online and began chatting. it went from there. I guess karma is now biting me in the ass in a big way. A cheater is not who I am, (although I DID cheat, so how can I say that?) Before moving in with him 3 years ago I had a lengthy conversation with "Steve" about it. I told him while I don't regret our relationship, we did NOT go about this in the RIGHT way. We should have ended things appropriately in our marriages at the time before becoming involved with each other. I said we cannot change the past, but I hoped we could learn from our mistakes. I have been cheated on in nearly all of my past relationships and was twice with my 1st husband. But that didn't give me the right to do the same. I said that when we had problems I hoped that we would work through them together and not hurt each other by being unfaithful. His response (which he has since written off as being a "joke") was to say, "Don't give me a reason to cheat on you and I won't."

That one comment 3 YEARS ago still haunts me on almost a constant basis. It has been a tremendous burden to me. I feel as if I must be on a constant state of alert. Being careful to always be "perfect". ANyone reading this could rightfully say I deserve the torment because of what we did/how we met. Over the past 2 years our relationship HAS faced problems. Serious ones. And now I am sitting here thinking, "here we go...he now has his "reason." I have had concerns about his fidelity. Over the last 2 years I have discovered secret email addresses of his. He has placed and responded to various personal ads seeking sex with MEN. (He claims he never did anything with anyone/never intended to and was just "messing around with some idiots." Our communication has gone down the tubes. There is secretiveness in regards to money/financial issues. We have disagreements over how to raise our children in our blended family. And on and on and on. I do love this man and desperately want to work through these things. But I feel like I am doing it alone. I try every means of reaching out and communicating with him in a positive/constructive way but get little results. Before we moved in together and later married, our communication was one of our strongest points. It was probably the major reason I fell in love with him. We could always tell each other ANYTHING. We openly expressed our love for each other. I had his back and knew he had mine. That has now gone away. I can remain at peace and suppress my feelings/pain for a while but over time it builds and builds and then I eventually blow into a rage which of course shuts him down even more.

Aside from the pain of being so far away from my oldest son, dear friends, and family-I really do love where we are living/am glad we made this move. BUT regardless that has been an extreme change in my life that I am having a hard time dealing with. I have no friends here. The only people here that I "know" are my husband's 2 brothers and niece. While we can make it financially on his income, I need a job so that we can have health insurance (my husband's brother promised his company would provide it for us but hasnt lived up to that). We need the extra income so we can live more comfortably. I need it to help assure that I will be able to fly back to see my autistic son every 6 weeks, (which was my one and only "deal breaker" in agreeing to this move. I need a job for my OWN sense of self-worth. But I can't find one. Despite the bad economy, there are plenty of jobs that I am qualified for that are available. But every job I apply for has literally 100's of other applicants. I feel demoralized. I feel like a "free-loader" who is living off of her husband.

My husband's job is requiring alot of long hours. We basically have 1 day a week (Sundays) to spend together as a family. I am not a big drinker, but the other night my husband and I went out for drinks with his brother and niece. His brother started talking about how valuable my husband has been to him/the company. I maybe should have kept my mouth shut, but at one point I said that while my husband's dedication to his job is an admirable one, at some point the time it takes away from his wife and kids has an adverse affect on his family. His brother basically said that he doesn't care what I think, that what makes my husband happy is all that matters to him and that "...in a couple of years if 'Steve is still happy with you/wants to be with you he will be..." This sent me into a rage and an ugly verbal fight between myself and his brother ensued. I said alot of ugly things that I shouldn't have ("Steve" called me out on them, which is fine) but his brother also said alot of awful things to me as well. His brother called me stupid at least 10 times. He said if things didn't work out with my husband and I, it was my fault. My husband not once stood up for me or told his brother to apologize/treat me with respect.

This resulted in my husband and I airing out a bunch of old wounds/problems that night and again this morning. He cried. I cried. But where we go from here I dont know. All that has gone through my head all day is "you're stupid...you're stupid". Visions of my husband's own tears and pain. All of the mistakes *I* have made not only during the fight with his brother, but throughout our relationship. Throughout my whole life really. It's hard enough to deal with MY OWN verbal assault I put myself through on a daily basis ("you are fat...ugly...worthless...a bad mother...a bad wife...a freeloader...a failure...you're weak...etc") but hearing that from someone else makes it even worse. "You're stupid...you're stupid..." that's all that has run through my head all day.

I LOATHE myself. Somewhere buried DEEP down inside of me is a strong, confident, lovable, GOOD person. I have ZERO energy or ability to find out HOW to let that person out and I am SOOO tired of trying. I either want that woman to come out or I want to die. Death seems like such an easier/quicker option. But for ME, NOT for my boys who I love with all that is left of me. I just can't deal with the pain anymore. I NEED to be on Zoloft. I have taken that in the past and it has helped tremendously. But we don't have insurance. I could afford the medication itself, and while we live relatively comfortably with my husband's income, we don't have the $100's it would cost for the Dr.'s appointment(s) it would require me to get back on it.

I've went on far too long. For anyone who has bothered to read through all this, I thank you.

[Destination]

Well, I don't know the entire situation between you and your husband because I am not a fly on the wall in your home so I guess I can't say much there. I do hope that everything works out. (( hugs ))

As for everything being your fault, the mistakes you've made in the past and all that, well I've got to say from experience that it never helps to bring up your past to yourself. It is more helpful to try to realize that you're only human and we all screw up. The trick is to not beat yourself up for it.

Take the cheating for instance, yes you did that, but stop beating yourself up about it. It is done and you can't take it back. The only thing you can do is keep moving forward. By saying that, I'm not meaning forget about it. Just say to yourself, "yeah, I did that, but I'm not doing it again" then move forward. Its like... well like forgiving yourself for lack of a better word. Then every time you find yourself starting to tell yourself how bad and evil you are, you just say to yourself "that's over already, I learned from it and I've moved on" hope that helps some.

When you mentioned how much it would cost to get help that you need, I wondered if maybe there are some sliding scale or low cost clinics in your area? I mean I know its not the best, but it would at least be something.

I hope everything straightens out for you soon. I'll keep you in my thoughts and cross my fingers for you!

[defeated2012]

I appreciate your thoughts.

Forgiving myself and leaving the past behind me has never been one of my strong suits. I don't even know how to begin to do that on my own, but I know it is necessary.

As far as the cheating goes...idk if that's exactly where my problem lies or not. As far as what my cheating did to my previous marriage/husband, it is not something I wallow in. I am past that part. My 1st marriage didn't end because of I cheated, rather it was accelerated by it. I know we would have divorced at some point regardless. My ex and I, thankfully, are MUCH better divorced than we were married. (Generally are amicable and work together in decisions as it relates to our children etc) There is guilt over how our divorce affected our children. But again, I believe we would have divorced anyway, so my cheating isn't really a factor in that.

As far as how I am coping with my role on the other side of that situation...it is a bit trickier. My husband's ex is a pretty despicable human being, so on one level it is hard feeling guilt over it. BUT it does make me feel like a hypocrite. A quality I pretty much despise in people. When I hear other stories of infidelity I often feel disgust and contempt for the people involved. But then I think, "Who the hell are YOU to judge?" But it hits me hardest when I find my husband and I dealing with issues (patterns of behavior) that seem (at least to me) to mirror those that occurred during his first two marriages...it is then I feel as if I am getting a taste of that pain/torment she went through. It feels like I am getting a foreshadowing of what is to come for me. And yes it is also hard to accept/acknowledge (and leave in the past) my role in contributing to such pain for others.

I will have to research Drs/therapists in my area to see if I can find one that would be affordable for me. I don't know as a sliding scale would be of much benefit to me. My husband makes pretty good money so we wouldn't really be considered as "needy" I'm sure. But with the high cost of living in our area and 3 kids to support, there's not alot left over.

Anyway, I thank you again for your reply. Yesterday was a better day. My husband and I went away for the day and had a nice time together. I was able to kep busy/keep my mind off of things. But now I am back to the quiet. The kids are gone and its just me. My husband doesn't understand depression and what I am dealing with on a daily basis. I was crying before he left and he just tried to be funny (his way of trying to help I guess) and said I didn't need to cry he wasn't going to be gone forever/would be back tonight. I just hate being alone. All I do is ruminate and I don't know how to stop it.

[St8arrow]

I would first like to apologize because this will probably be long and rambling. I don't expect many people will have the patience to read through all of this.

From St8arrow

Yes your submission is very long but one thing comes through perfectly clear. Although it is rambling, you have a great ability to express yourself fluently and this alone proves that you are not a failure at everything. Now, --- it is time to try to help you change perceived failures into successes. Please forgive me if I shorten your submission considerably. I will try to comment on a few of the points that I think are significant.

Defeated2012

I desperately need someone to "talk" to. I have just two very close friends who I can confide in and some of the things in this I cannot even tell them. But I lean on them far too much and they have their own lives to live. Plus, because I recently, (3 months ago) moved across country, they are now 1100 miles away. I feel so alone.

Everything I have done in life I have been a complete failure. I make a mess of everything and all of my relationships (except for the friends referenced above.) The feelings of self loathing are consuming me. I just want to die. The ONLY thing that keeps me alive are my two sons. One who is severely autistic and lives with his dad. The other son lives with me. (But he is back in the midwest with his dad for 1/2 the summer) I couldn't destroy my children by committing suicide. My autistic son would have no capacity to understand, but would wonder where his momma went. My other son's life would be irreparably changed however. Although if I don't figure out a way to get it together soon-I fear my existence is accomplishing the same thing anyway. I think alot about how I could do it and make it look like an "accident" so as to cushion the blow/him not having to live with the knowledge that his mother killed herself. It scares me to have those thoughts.

From St8arrow

Well, I intended to shorten the above ideas but they are all too important to do so. I think you are showing a high level of empathy towards your children; by not wanting them to have to deal with the memory that their Mother committed suicide. Now the trick is to give you the belief that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of darkness that you now see in your life story.

Defeated2012

- I remarried a year and a half ago. Last November my husband took a job working for his brother's company out east. It was a blessing for us financially and provided us with the ability to better support my other son Noah (who lives with me) and my step daughters. Me and the kids moved out there the beginning of April. But now I am 1100 miles away from "jacob" and will only see him every 6 weeks, if I am lucky. I feel like a failure for not being able to take care of him myself. And extreme guilt for moving so far away. My heart ACHES every day missing him. I was able to spend a couple of days last weekend with him when we drove back to the midwest for a wedding. It was a perfect visit with him. Saying goodbye tore my heart apart.

I feel like a failure as a mother. My son "Noah", although not autistic, has significant learning disabilities and emotional/anger issues. I am overwhelmed by my role as wife, mother, stepmother. I do not have the capacity right now be who they need me to be. I am angry and hostile far too much of the time. This is not who I want to be.

--- I said that when we had problems I hoped that we (myself and my current husband) would work through them together and not hurt each other by being unfaithful. His response (which he has since written off as being a "joke") was to say, "Don't give me a reason to cheat on you and I won't."

From St8arrow

Many people say things that are harmful and then fall back on the excuse that it was just a joke. You have to develop the courage and confidence to see the real message that his above words portray. "I want to blame you for my mistake rather than admit it myself." That type of attitude is in keeping with the following truism: To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

From Defeated2012

That one comment 3 YEARS ago still haunts me on almost a constant basis. It has been a tremendous burden to me. I feel as if I must be on a constant state of alert. Being careful to always be "perfect".

From St8arrow

In keeping with the ideas that I have expressed just above these words, it is now time for you to stop beating yourself up. You are assigning no blame to others and absorbing all the blame yourself. Stop now. Also, forget about trying to be perfect. No human being can live up to that challenge. Be the best person that you can be. Not allowing others to shift their own mistakes onto you is a good place for you to start.

From Defeated2012

Anyone reading this could rightfully say I deserve the torment because of what we did/how we met. Over the past 2 years our relationship HAS faced problems. Serious ones. And now I am sitting here thinking, "here we go...he now has his "reason." I have had concerns about his fidelity. Over the last 2 years I have discovered secret email addresses of his. He has placed and responded to various personal ads seeking sex with MEN. (He claims he never did anything with anyone/never intended to and was just "messing around with some idiots." Our communication has gone down the tubes. There is secretiveness in regards to money/financial issues.

From St8arrow

The problem here is that you are dependent on him for your economic well-being and as a result, you are putting up with many things that you probably would not put up with if you were financially independent. His excuse that he is messing around with "some idiots" is partly true. That is, --- if he himself is included as on of those idiots.

From Defeated2012

We have disagreements over how to raise our children in our blended family. And on and on and on. I do love this man and desperately want to work through these things. But I feel like I am doing it alone. I try every means of reaching out and communicating with him in a positive/constructive way but get little results. Before we moved in together and later married, our communication was one of our strongest points.

From St8arrow

I suppose this dilemma happens with both sexes, but perhaps more so with men. They say one thing before the marriage and say another thing after. Or they say they will behave one way before the marriage and then behave another way after it.

From Defeated2012

--- My husband's job is requiring alot of long hours. We basically have 1 day a week (Sundays) to spend together as a family. I am not a big drinker, but the other night my husband and I went out for drinks with his brother and niece. His brother started talking about how valuable my husband has been to him/the company. I maybe should have kept my mouth shut, but at one point I said that while my husband's dedication to his job is an admirable one, at some point the time it takes away from his wife and kids has an adverse affect on his family.

From St8arrow

Your above words are appropriate and represent a completely normal response.

From Defeated2012

His brother basically said that he doesn't care what I think, that what makes my husband happy is all that matters to him and that "...in a couple of years if 'Steve is still happy with you/wants to be with you he will be..."

From St8arrow

Conversely, Steve's brother's words are pathetic. Next time you get a chance ask him what happened to the health care insurance that he said that he would get for his brother? I guess he doesn't care about his brother also.

--- His brother called me stupid at least 10 times. He said if things didn't work out with my husband and I, it was my fault. My husband not once stood up for me or told his brother to apologize/treat me with respect.

St8arrow

What kind of family have you married into? Everything is somebody else's fault but they are perfect angels. Give me a break!!!

From Defeated2012

I LOATHE myself. Somewhere buried DEEP down inside of me is a strong, confident, lovable, GOOD person.

From St8arrow

I think the reasons behind the fact that you loathe yourself are your reliance on other people's opinion of you. Some of, or most of the "other" people in your life are not exactly "heros" themselves. I like the second sentence or last sentence of your above message. Let's hope more of that person shows up in your behavior soon.

I am not pretending that suddenly everything in your life will come up roses, but I hope that some of the ideas that I have listed above will help you to feel more positive about yourself. You did mention that people say that you are fat. If there is some truth in that comment, then you have to start becoming more active and pay more attention to how much food you put into your body.

I know this has applied to me many times in my past. Under stress, I feel nervous tension in my stomach which can be alleviated by ingesting food. While we all must eat to be healthy, we must not allow stress to mistakenly make us think we are hungry. Learning how to be calm and thinking positively can reduce the false feelings of hunger that we all experience from time to time.

From Defeated2012

I've went on far too long. For anyone who has bothered to read through all this, I thank you.

You are more than welcome. I hope some of the ideas that I have expressed above will resonate positively with you and help reduce the stress that you are now under. Write again soon. Maybe a little bit shorter the next time.

[defeated2012]

From St8arrow

"You have to develop the courage and confidence to see the real message that his above words portray. "I want to blame you for my mistake rather than admit it myself." That type of attitude is in keeping with the following truism: To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human."

From Defeated2012

I know deep down that comment says more about him than it does me. Its just been EXTREMELY hard to focus on that realization rather than falling into the trap of "as long as I love him enough and am good enough, that won't happen to me."


From St8arrow

The problem here is that you are dependent on him for your economic well-being and as a result, you are putting up with many things that you probably would not put up with if you were financially independent.

From Defeated2012

This is VERY much true. I told myself after my first marriage that I would NEVER be dependent on a man for my well-being again. If I didn't have my son to consider it would be less of a concern, I would somehow manage to survive on my own. I know regardless of what happens with my marriage I need to build my own financial security. I've forced myself this morning to apply for some jobs online. It's hard to keep plugging away at it when I apply and apply and apply for jobs and get little to no response. I need to find a way to realize there is alot of competition out there for jobs rather than taking it as a deficiency on my part. I have gaps in my employment and have had to take "menial" jobs over the past couple of years which really affect my marketability in a professional position I need that will give myself that financial security.


From St8arrow

Conversely, Steve's brother's words are pathetic. Next time you get a chance ask him what happened to the health care insurance that he said that he would get for his brother? I guess he doesn't care about his brother also.

From Defeated 2012

LOL. Believe me I would LOVE to ask that! But after what happened I think it would be best, if nothing else so I don't get myself all worked up again, for me to just keep my mouth shut.


From St8arrow

I think the reasons behind the fact that you loathe yourself are your reliance on other people's opinion of you.

You did mention that people say that you are fat...


From Defeated2012

I DEFINITELY allow other people's opinion of me to influence my opinion of myself. That is something I am just coming to realize.

Other people don't tell me I am fat, or at least those who do I try not to pay attention to...That is what I tell myself. Several years ago I started going to a gym and lost 70lbs. That was the last time I felt GOOD about myself. I had about 40-50lbs more I needed to lose but then moved in with my husband who, at the time, lived in a very rural community, and I stopped working out. (I am the type that has to physically GO to the gym and exercise. I won't commit to it otherwise). I had a very physical job up until we decided to move where we are now and am not working. That at least allowed me to maintain the weight loss I had achieved and the 40-50lbs I had left to lose didn't bother me terribly much. But since I left that job I have put about 15 lbs back on. Getting back to the gym I KNOW would do wonders for me...Probably more than antidepressents would. There is a gym nearby that is just $49 down/$20 a month. If I was working and had my own money I would just do it. Since I'm not I felt like I should "ask". My husband basically gave me the brush off about it. My friends tell me I shouldn't need to ask and should just do it anyway. Maybe I should.


Thank you for your reply. It definitely did give me some things to think about. The last couple of days have been a bit less darker. I just need to keep hold of that for some kind of strength to be able to push forward to finding some sort of resolution to everything.

[Destination]

Thank you St8arrow... you just put everything into words that I wanted to convey to defeated2012. I agree totally.

It is really hard to put yourself first sometimes and give yourself a break, especially when nobody else is giving you a break.

I suppose that is where self motivation comes in.

[St8arrow]

From St8arrow

The problem here is that you are dependent on him for your economic well-being and as a result, you are putting up with many things that you probably would not put up with if you were financially independent.

From Defeated2012

This is VERY much true. I told myself after my first marriage that I would NEVER be dependent on a man for my well-being again. If I didn't have my son to consider it would be less of a concern, I would somehow manage to survive on my own. I know regardless of what happens with my marriage I need to build my own financial security.

I've forced myself this morning to apply for some jobs online. It's hard to keep plugging away at it when I apply and apply and apply for jobs and get little to no response. I need to find a way to realize there is alot of competition out there for jobs rather than taking it as a deficiency on my part.

From St8arrow

Now maybe it is me that is talking too much. This next story might sound like I am going off on a meaningless tangent but I assure you, that I am not. Many years ago, during the Second World War, my father applied for a job at Inglis etc. where maybe 300 other men had applied also. No one got inside the building. Instead the man in charge came out and said that there were no jobs available that day.

My father was so depressed at his inability to earn a living for our family, that he simply stood there as if he had no where else to go. When he was the only one left, the manager came back out and offered him a job. The bottom line here is that the manager was not going to spend the next two or three days interviewing 300 potential new workers. He hired my Dad because it was simpler to do so.

Don't fill your mind with negative thoughts on your chances of getting a job. I will leave it up to you to find a way to make use of the ideas that I have expressed in my above, (TRUE) story.

From Defeated2012

I have gaps in my employment and have had to take "menial" jobs over the past couple of years which really affect my marketability in a professional position I need that will give myself that financial security.

From St8arrow

In reference to your desire to find a high paying job, please keep the following thoughts in mind. Actually I need to follow this advice myself, probably more than you. --- Do not try to start at the top. Make the "top" like a ladder. If a number of steps were missing from the ladder, in all probability, you would never be able to climb to the top of the ladder. Take small steps along the way and prove to yourself and those who hire you, and work with you, that you are a competent worker.

Another way of looking at the fact that you have done "menial" jobs is that at least you didn't sit at home and do nothing. This is very important to a person who is in a position to hire you.

From Defeated 2012

LOL. Believe me I would LOVE to ask that! (about the promised medical insurance by his brother) But after what happened I think it would be best, if nothing else, so I don't get myself all worked up again, for me to just keep my mouth shut.

From St8arrow

You are probably right. It is easy for me to sit on the sidelines and come up with all of the answers. You are an intelligent woman and after weighing all of the facts that are involved in your situation, I am sure that you will make a good decision.

I will say this though. Do not make those decisions from a point of weakness. Do not tell yourself that you are weak. You are not. Make your decisions from strength because your writing style proves that you know what you are talking about.

I think the reasons behind the fact that you loathe yourself are your reliance on other people's opinion of you. You did mention that people say that you are fat...


From Defeated2012

I DEFINITELY allow other people's opinion of me to influence my opinion of myself. That is something I am just coming to realize.

Other people don't tell me I am fat, or at least those who do I try not to pay attention to...That is what I tell myself. Several years ago I started going to a gym and lost 70lbs. That was the last time I felt GOOD about myself. I had about 40-50lbs more I needed to lose but then moved in with my husband who, at the time, lived in a very rural community, and I stopped working out. (I am the type that has to physically GO to the gym and exercise. I won't commit to it otherwise).

I had a very physical job up until we decided to move where we are now and am not working. That at least allowed me to maintain the weight loss I had achieved and the 40-50lbs I had left to lose didn't bother me terribly much. But since I left that job I have put about 15 lbs back on.

Getting back to the gym I KNOW would do wonders for me...Probably more than antidepressents would. There is a gym nearby that is just $49 down/$20 a month. If I was working and had my own money I would just do it. Since I'm not I felt like I should "ask". My husband basically gave me the brush off about it. My friends tell me I shouldn't need to ask and should just do it anyway. Maybe I should.

From St8arrow

Maybe they are right and then again maybe not. Putting too much economic stress on your husband might result in more negative comments from him. I hope you don't decide that I am arrogant and think my way is the best way. There is always some other way that is better but I do believe that the following words are valuable in this situation.

I have seen people drive around for 5 minutes looking for a parking space close to the entrance of a plaza. Then they go into a gym inside the plaza and pay money for the exercise that they could have gotten for free by parking further away from the entrance to the plaza in the first place. Especially if there is no threat of rain or you are not under a lot of time stress.

Rather than give other examples of this attitude, I will leave it up to you to apply this attitude to as many instances in your life as you can. You don't necessarily need to spend a lot of money exercising to get in shape. You can also meet sensible people on a bicycle path or just walking alongside a creek or river path.

From Defeated2012

Thank you for your reply. It definitely did give me some things to think about. The last couple of days have been a bit less darker. I just need to keep hold of that for some kind of strength to be able to push forward to finding some sort of resolution to everything.

Thank you for being able to express yourself so fluently, It is much easier to offer advice if the person that such advice is directed to can write or talk fluently. I am sure that all of the people on this site are hoping that the strength you speak of is waiting for you just around the corner.

__________________________________

Finally, thank you to Destination for her kind words. I only hope that I can live up to her expectations of me.

[defeated2012]

What a wonderful and inspirational story about your father! That's EXACTLY the kind of story I needed to hear to help motivate me to staying focused and trying to remain positive!

Don't get me wrong though...I'm not expecting a top level position or anything. When I say "professional" I am really meaning office/ administrative type work. I'm sooo OVER the retail/grocery/fast food type of jobs which I have done so much of in the past. God bless the people who are good at those jobs and enjoy doing them, but I just don't have the patience for dealing with the public in those types of environments anymore. lol Although I have applied for those kinds of jobs as well. (I just really need SOMETHING at this point.) Retail usually requires working nights/weekends and that puts such an additional strain on my family life that I would really like to avoid it.

I got my associate's degree MANY years ago after high school and last fall decided to go back to school online. I am one course away from receiving my certificate in Human Resource Management. I put off going back to school for a long time thinking I "couldn't" do it but have been very successful and have gotten straight A's so far. As I type that I guess that is another example I need to remember of how I HAVEN'T failed in everything in life as I claimed in my initial post! I guess I just mistakenly thought this whole job search would be "easy". We moved from a SMALL rural area where there are NO jobs to a BIG city with LOTS of jobs in comparison. But there are also alot more PEOPLE here wanting those jobs. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your father's story! I will remember it and use it to help me keep the faith!

I understand what you are saying about the exercise. I do look for opportunities for exercise, go for walks, etc. But, for me at least, it doesn't compare to the endorphine rush you get after a more intense workout. Aside from the health benefits, my MIND has never been clearer as it was back then. I don't know why exactly my husband brushed that aside. We met back when I was active/working out etc. He KNOWS firsthand what a difference it makes for my mental outlook on things. I don't think it is out of financial concerns. He goes out and spends $200 without a care in the world on a "toy" he wants. I could easily cut out all the sodas I've got back in the habit of drinking and cover the $20 for my gym membership. Now that I'm thinking of it--I know my husband grows tired of my irritability, negativity, and extreme mood swings-but I wonder if on another level he doesn't WANT to see me doing something for myself because he thinks I will "need" him less? Who knows.

Thank you for your compliments on my writing. I do enjoy communicating with people and have always found it easier to do so through writing. It is something that I have often gotten compliments on. So again, thank you not only for your thoughtful replies, but also helping me to remember that there are POSITIVE things about me that are worth taking notice of!

[St8arrow]

What a wonderful and inspirational story about your father! That's EXACTLY the kind of story I needed to hear to help motivate me to staying focused and trying to remain positive!

From St8arrow

Thank you for your kind words. This forum situation is somewhat limiting. That is, the New Topics List is so short that the communication between people can be dead-ended when perhaps one or both of the people involved would like to continue the discussion further.

In my conceit, I would love to be able to offer more help for you but only if you want it. For now, I will conclude that the above limitations dead-ended our communication and offer the following advice concerning the ideas that you have expressed in the letter which I am "writing" from.

From Successful,

I'm sorry you chose Defeated2012 for your nickname didn't you.

--- I put off going back to school for a long time thinking I "couldn't" do it but have been very successful and have gotten straight A's so far.

From St8arrow

FANTASTIC!!!

From Defeated2012

--- I understand what you are saying about the exercise. I do look for opportunities for exercise, go for walks, etc. But, for me at least, it doesn't compare to the endorphine rush you get after a more intense workout. Aside from the health benefits, my MIND has never been clearer as it was back then.

From St8arrow

The endorphene rush is a valid reason to want a more intense workout. My advice is rather simple --- GO FOR IT!!!

From Defeated2012 (I still think Successful2012 sounds better.)

I don't know why exactly my husband brushed that aside. We met back when I was active/working out etc. He KNOWS firsthand what a difference it makes for my mental outlook on things. I don't think it is out of financial concerns. He goes out and spends $200 without a care in the world on a "toy" he wants.

From St8arrow

Tell him the toys have to stop right now until such time as he can earn some money to buy them. That is, after he has helped you pay off your credit card debts.

From Defeated2012 (successfully)

I could easily cut out all the sodas I've got back in the habit of drinking and cover the $20 for my gym membership.

From St8arrow

Once again, --- GO FOR IT!!!

From Defeated2012

Now that I'm thinking of it--I know my husband grows tired of my irritability, negativity, and extreme mood swings-but I wonder if on another level he doesn't WANT to see me doing something for myself because he thinks I will "need" him less? Who knows.

From St8arrow

I'm not going to tell you that you are correct with your above ideas about "another level", but I will tell you that, in my opinion, it qualifies as an educated guess.

From SUCCESSFUL2012 --- okay --- okay, Defeated2102

Thank you for your compliments on my writing. I do enjoy communicating with people and have always found it easier to do so through writing. It is something that I have often gotten compliments on. So again, thank you not only for your thoughtful replies, but also helping me to remember that there are POSITIVE things about me that are worth taking notice of!

You are more than welcome. While I would prefer that our communications remain on the forum page, on the assumption that others might learn something from these words also, if the dead-ending situation on this forum site proves to be overwhelming, you could always send me a PM and we could go from there.

Cheers to you and your loved ones.