My Story And Feelings - Advice Please

[Anonymous1]

I am a new member as of today and am not the best of writers but would like to share my story and hope at least one person can take the time to read it and give me a reply.

I have just finished my Junior year in highschool and am now going to be entering my Senior year at the end of the summer. I feel my story will be more clear if I try and sum up my highschool years because that's when these feelings of depression started to gradually begin.

At the start of Freshman year I started smoking Marijuana with one of my neighbors. The first time I had ever used was in my room when my mom wasn't home, he provided the weed and the bowl. I honestly thought nothing of it, thought nothing of how it could be the beginning of dramatic changes in my life, just thought I would do it every once in a while, no big deal.

My parents have been divorced all my life and have not spoke much at all until my life started to go downhill and they thought they needed to work together to do whatever possible to help my life get back on track. And as much as I argue with them, and get irritated to an extreme degree when talking to them, I love them for this.

I smoked Marijuana a few more times during the start of the school year/end of summer, but never got high. I didn't think it was a big deal and when people asked me to use with them I still had the power and control to say no.

Towards the beginning of second semester, still Freshman year, I started becoming very popular. I'm not quite sure how it happened but it happened at an alarming rate and I began to hang out with the "coolest" kids in my class everyday after school. I never wanted to be home because of a new fiance my mother had met only about 8 months before at the start of a new job. He had two kids, who I did not get along with. They were already moved into my house at this point I still did not get along with any of them and I started fighting with my mom because of it too. I would stay out fairly late on school nights and my mother slowly began to not call and ask where I was, it was pretty much free reign for me.

The "popular" kids I put myself around smoked a lot of pot and when I put myself around them I began to follow. My first time getting high was with them. We were in the woods over-looking a water fall and when the effects of the Marijuana set in I noticed how much I enjoyed the scene. I was laughing and having a good time and all I could think about was how great of a time it was. This continued to the end of the school year.

I had lived with my mom all my life up until that year. There was too much going on at home for me to handle. I ended up moving in with my dad.

Sophomore year started and I was no longer too popular. I still had many friends but was not hanging out with the same group. Sophomore year was a very tough year for me because I continued to smoke Marijuana but every time I enjoyed it less and less. I started becoming very paranoid and entered deep thinking patterns about what others thought about me, or what they were saying about me. My parents found out I was smoking and this is when my life really started to snowball at an extremely fast rate. I became defiant, and kept smoking, not caring about anyone, or anything, including myself. I got arrested for the first time that year for hosting a party at my moms house while she was on a business trip in Arizona. I had a job so I paid for a court prevention program that lasted for three months to get the charge off of my record. Second semester started and this is when I began to see some hope in my life, very little but it was there.

I met a beautiful girl in one of my classes, biology. We'll call her Alyson. I swear the first time I saw her I fell in love with her, I know its cliche but I believe in it. I had a couple friends in the class, we'll call them Mike and Charlotte. I knew Mike since first grade and we've stayed pretty good friends over the years, playing on the same basketball teams for middle school, and high school. I met Charlotte Freshman year and didn't really know her too well.

When we got all over the humbo jumbo at the beginning of the semester and the class actually began, we were assigned to lab tables, 4 per table. My table was me, Mike, Charlotte and yes, Alyson. I guess she had been friends with Charlotte since middle school, so it kind of all worked out. She was a shy girl at first but I loved everything about her, haha, I smile just thinking about it. After a while we began to talk and sparks just flew and you could see it. Charlotte and Mike would always tease us asking when we would just date already. Sometimes we would seperate ourselves from the lab table, just us two, and talk for the whole class. I could tell she had strong feelings for me, and I felt the same way about her.

On the second to last day of school, I was at the gym and when I picked up my phone out of my locker I had a text from her. It was the first time we actually talked to each other about our feelings even though they were quite obvious.

July 4th, 2011 was my day. We went to a local stadium with friends to watch fireworks. It was our first time hanging out, and our first official date. Our first kiss was under the fireworks that evening, and it was the best day of my life. We hung out everyday we could for the whole summer, she got her license and had a car. I felt so happy that Summer, nothing could bring me down, I felt like there was just nothing to worry about, it was utter joy.

She got a job that July and began working. When Junior year started we were still together and planned on being together for a long time. She told me she loved me for the first time and said she never wanted to let me go.

I go on vacation Christmas break, every year, my best friend and I, to visit our other childhood best friend who moved away. It was the only time we got to see him, once a year for a week. We got there and like always we had so many stories for him, and he had even more for us. All I could find myself talking about that week was her, both my buddies told me they'd never seen me so happy.

We went back home after New Years day, January 2nd, and always had school the day after we got back. It always had been the most depressing day of the year for me. I've always had trouble with Sundays, and especially when I've had such a good week to look back on. My friend lived in the boonies, so we got no cell service, I tried calling Alyson as much as I could though, really, I did the best I could.

I called her right when I got home, I missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her. When I called her we started talking and she was acting strange, not her normal self at all, I asked what was up and she said she couldn't say, it had to be done in person. I might make dumb decisions, but I'm not a stupid person so I bet you can guess the words that followed, "Are you breaking up with me?" Her answer, "I think so."

Right there, those words were like a dagger straight to my heart, I've never been so crushed in the matter of seconds ever in my whole life. She told me she would come to my house to talk about it after work, which was 7 hours from then. I honestly can't remember what I did to keep me from going insane. She finally got to my house. I kept asking why, why, why? I was her first love, and she was mine. So I was naive and just never thought it would end. Our six month anniversary was in 2 days. She explained to me that she had feelings for someone else. A kid she worked with. I didn't know what to do so I said goodbye and that was that. My heart was broken.

The funny thing was, the night before I left for vacation I had a dream that when I got back she would tell me she liked this kid, we'll call him Bob. And that is no lie. Everyone I tell it to calls BS on it but I swear on my grandmothers grave it's true. But me being with my best friends for the week, it slipped from my mind.

Now this kid, Bob, it was not the first time I'd heard about him. Alyson's best friend, who I was good friends with too, told me they would hang out before work sometimes, and he would pick her up and give her rides other times. Obviously I didn't know what to think and it kind of hurt, but I didn't want to call her out on it, I trusted her and had no reason not to, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I found out Alyson was at a New Years Eve party with Bob's best friend, who she also worked with, and said that she didn't invite Bob for a reason, because she liked him "so much" and would have hooked up with him.

During that month I got arrested for possession of Marijuana. I was helpless, going no where. (I have recently quit using for good.)

At the end of the month Alyson ended up making things right with me and I gave her another chance. We are still together today. I guess my real feelings of depression come from what she did to me. I love her so much and couldn't imagine myself without her, I'd be even more depressed than I am already, alot more. But I can't get over what happened. I still have re-accuring dreams about it, and I think about it everyday and sometimes over analyze everything that happened, and breakdown into an anxiety attack. And since the school year ended, I've just been even more sad.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how I should approach things from now on, I don't want this to keep popping up into my head, I don't want to feel this way. People tell me it was so long ago and I need to get over it, I wish it was that easy for me but I've always been this way with devastating things that happen in my life, and this was by far the worst.

Any advice would be helpful to me. I would appreciate it so much. And if you have had a similar story, I'd like to hear about it too, and know what helped you get through it. Thank you so much for reading this.

- Anonymous1

[St8arrow]

I am a new member as of today and am not the best of writers but would like to share my story and hope at least one person can take the time to read it and give me a reply.

--- I met a beautiful girl in one of my classes, biology. We'll call her Alyson. I swear the first time I saw her I fell in love with her, I know its cliche but I believe in it. She was a shy girl at first but I loved everything about her, haha, I smile just thinking about it. After a while we began to talk and sparks just flew and you could see it. --- Sometimes we would seperate ourselves from the lab table, just us two, and talk for the whole class. I could tell she had strong feelings for me, and I felt the same way about her.

--- July 4th, 2011 was my day. We went to a local stadium with friends to watch fireworks. It was our first time hanging out, and our first official date. Our first kiss was under the fireworks that evening, and it was the best day of my life. We hung out everyday we could for the whole summer, she got her license and had a car. I felt so happy that Summer, nothing could bring me down, I felt like there was just nothing to worry about, it was utter joy.

She got a job that July and began working. When Junior year started we were still together and planned on being together for a long time. She told me she loved me for the first time and said she never wanted to let me go.

--- I called her right when I got home. (from holidays) I missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her. When I called her we started talking and she was acting strange, not her normal self at all, I asked what was up and she said she couldn't say, it had to be done in person. I might make dumb decisions, but I'm not a stupid person so I bet you can guess the words that followed, "Are you breaking up with me?" Her answer, "I think so."

Right there, those words were like a dagger straight to my heart, I've never been so crushed in the matter of seconds ever in my whole life. She told me she would come to my house to talk about it after work, which was 7 hours from then. I honestly can't remember what I did to keep me from going insane. She finally got to my house. I kept asking why, why, why? I was her first love, and she was mine. So I was naive and just never thought it would end. Our six month anniversary was in 2 days. She explained to me that she had feelings for someone else. A kid she worked with. I didn't know what to do so I said goodbye and that was that. My heart was broken.

--- Now this kid, Bob, it was not the first time I'd heard about him. Alyson's best friend, who I was good friends with too, told me they would hang out before work sometimes, and he would pick her up and give her rides other times. Obviously I didn't know what to think and it kind of hurt, but I didn't want to call her out on it, I trusted her and had no reason not to, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

During that month I got arrested for possession of Marijuana. I was helpless, going no where. (I have recently quit using for good.)

At the end of the month Alyson ended up making things right with me and I gave her another chance. We are still together today. I guess my real feelings of depression come from what she did to me. I love her so much and couldn't imagine myself without her, I'd be even more depressed than I am already, alot more. But I can't get over what happened. I still have re-accuring dreams about it, and I think about it everyday and sometimes over analyze everything that happened, and breakdown into an anxiety attack. And since the school year ended, I've just been even more sad.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how I should approach things from now on, I don't want this to keep popping up into my head, I don't want to feel this way. People tell me it was so long ago and I need to get over it, I wish it was that easy for me but I've always been this way with devastating things that happen in my life, and this was by far the worst.

Any advice would be helpful to me. I would appreciate it so much. And if you have had a similar story, I'd like to hear about it too, and know what helped you get through it. Thank you so much for reading this.

- Anonymous1

You are suffering from the fear of rejection. All of us have such fears but yours are distorted because you cannot deal with the uncertainties of life in this situation. All of us must somehow come to grips with uncertainty. If we don't, we would never venture into any relationship or achievement whatsoever in life.

Since your partner chose a man to be with, it behooves you to ask her if she wants to become a Mother someday. If she wants this to occur naturally, then you might as well give her up. If she would be willing to adopt or have a child by a sperm bank or something of that nature, than perhaps your life together will work out.

The main thing is to try to end the uncertainty that is driving you, literally, up the wall. Good luck and good skill in your journey through this incredible miracle that we call --- LIFE.