Depression found me at the age of twelve. I wondered the vast hallways of my new junior high and I expected to make as many friends as in elementary. My class was very tight in elementary and it was great. I soon realized that something was very wrong with me. The trouble was that I didn't know what. I was nice, polite, average intelligence and all around your average Joe. It seems Joe left a long time ago. Grade seven through nine I made very few new friends but plenty of enemies. I was bullied and made fun of for no reason at all and school went from fun with friends to sorrow with my self. These three years I knew I was depressed but I didnt have all the other issues. Those would come later. From junior high I took away these lessons: history is my strong suite, people let you down very often, getting used will always be a part of who I am and finally, few people could love me outside my family. Grade nine came to a close and it was now time to get thrown into what we get bombarded by on television someway or another; high school. Drinking, sex, parties, friends and good times. That was what was on my few friends minds. I knew better. I remembered what the last change yielded and I knew what was coming was going to be even worse. I would soon learn that I hadn't the slightest grasp of what "worse" was. Everybody found their place in grade ten. Even me. Alone in either the computer lab or the cafeteria. Their were times when I hung out with people but it was just me a lot of the time. My friend introduced me to one of his ex's who apparently liked me. I liked her as well and my friend gave me the green light and away I went. Right into a brick wall... Things quickly changed from new and exciting to awkward and misery. She asked me questions that made me feel very uneasy and did drugs and thought it was funny to call me while "high". I was desperate though because I thought someone saw something in me so I stayed with it and invested all I had. It was this or nothing and I got nothing. I remember when I developed my genophobia and erotophobia (fear of the opposite gender and fear of sex). It was roughly four in the afternoon when my lady friend called me. The conversation was alright until she said something. I will not put it here. I was fairly smart by then as I had a lot of time to myself to study and after she said her seemingly innocent statement my mind broke. I heard a mental snap like a twig and that was it. I new that traumatized me and the feeling made me feel ill. I came up with some trivial excuse and got off the phone. The feeling I had after that has no word or explanation. It is one of those things you have to feel to know. So, I stuck with her. No I am not clingy but I am a doormat. A few weeks later sh told me that I was her "safety net" and that she was using me to get back at my friend. Darkness, loneliness, hopelessness; the recipe for my emotional state at that moment. I wondered to an empty baseball diamond and sat on the bench alone, stunned and hardened. If you saw me you would think i was posing for one of those corny depression pictures. About a week later she asked me out again. "Stupidity alert" I said yes and lets just say that history does repeat itself. Well I was being used yet again and my emotions began slipping away. Hey, I know!!! I will try to ask someone else out. Maybe everyone isn't like her. Maybe I can be happy. The was a golden opportunity right under my nose. Apparently a girl was telling all my friends that she wanted me to ask her out. I was game. I got right back on the saddle and asked her out. She said yes. I was greeted with a text the following day that said her mom wouldn't let her have a boyfriend. I am not even worth a believable excuse. A few days after the text she was with another guy. I was just to carry her to her actual desire. Done....After that everything changed. Clothing went from fairly diverse to all black. Answering questions in class was near zero. Interactions with anybody was set to a minimum and I began to hate women. Now, I do follow a faith and I feel bad hating people but I did and still do. I despise them with all that is left of my heart. I can stand their voices, their laugh, their appearance, their anything. This of course brought on suspicion of " are you gay?". In a word, no. I don't like anything about women but I am attracted to them. Yeah so that is a whole bunch of fun. Something I have told people that they cant understand, and I barely understand, is that I really love women a lot. I grew up in a neighborhood with two girls who could easily be called my sisters. But through the years their gender shattered my heart. "Fool me once...". I tried to remain in contact with them but it made me ill to be around women and I was just an awkward guy to be around. So, I disappeared out of their lives. I left through their front door and they gave me a hug. I know they thought I would be back. I wouldn't be back... When I was young I dreamed of having a wife to come home to and watch a movie, someone to go on trips with and start a family, somebody who knows me better than I do and I her, somebody to fall asleep beside, somebody who loves me. My idea was gone, my hopes were gone, I was gone. High school was tough, everyday was an uphill battle. I graduated though. I applied to a college and got accepted. I suppose prom should be mentioned. I'll save you some time. I had a crush who looked like she liked me but used me and left. Summer of grade twelve I was speaking with my psychologist and psychiatrist and they got the idea in my head that I could try online dating. I did with no intention at all. Just simply to see what passes as normal. Not me. But that was expected. No harm, no foul. I did find out that what women my age want was someone tall, slim, someone who owns a car, parties ect... That wasnt me and it never would be. Time to do some research. I often wondered why Mr.Niceguy wasnt the catch he was a long time ago. I found out something that really disturbed me. Apparently, according to a source which polled a lot of women across North America, nice guys are boring and not a challenge to get. So guys who act like they dont care or just plain dont notice people are the guys to get. So the old picture of chocolates and roses is replaced by money and status. Well then, i'm done for. This article basically said that nice guys might like you and are willing to do anything for a slice of attention but who cares? Go for the guy who clearly wants nothing to do with you. I dont engage in social circles so this seemed fairly accurate to me. After my research I got a message on the online dating site. Someone interested in me, ridiculous. We messaged anyways and got to know each other through texting. Finally we set a date for a date. I have the relationship experience of a block of cheese so I new this wouldn't go well. I dressed up fairly nice and found my texting buddy. First thing I noticed was that her profile pictures were not her and her weight was much more than she said. Did I care abut this? Just the fact that she lied, besides that I know looks arent everything. We walked and talked and saw the new Harry Potter movie. I offered to pay for everything and after a heated debate I won. We had a great time. I text her after our date and got no reply. What ever, I thought, she doesn't need to reply right away. after numerous texts, calls and emails over a three week period I got the message loud and clear when I saw she was back on the website like nothing happened at all. Something has to be horribly wrong with me. I dont know what but it has to be so repulsive that people who dont know me can not be in my presence for more than a few hours. Im not a jerk and I try to be chivalrous so I dont think it is that. Summer was over and college began. Nothing significant as I met and spoke to as few people as possible. The year ended and here comes summer. Time for me to work. We recently had a management overhaul at my work and that sure dint work out. My direct boss is an arrogant, unappreciative, micro-managing, oblivious jerk who has his job for reasons unknown. My boss above that level is a perfectionist who counts the minutes you take to go to the washroom and that is not an exaggeration. My hours were cut by the new boss and everyday I get stressed out over the mere thought of going to work. Most recently a coworker and I had to do a days amount of work in roughly two hours. He left after he was done his shift and there was still more to do. I skipped all my breaks and took no time for myself. I slaved away like a crazy person and I got it all dont with two minutes to spare. I was tired, sore and mentally exhausted but I did it. Somehow, with my coworkers help, I accomplished a task I dint think I could do. I actually thought I did really good. The next day I wwasnt greeted witha thank you, a smile or any type of recognition. I was greeted by my manager asking why something wasnt done even though it was one-hundred percent impossible to do with in they time. He knew the task was difficult because he tried and failed miserably and here he was questioning me on something I could not do. I dont ask for much at my work. I get whats asked of me done and I get paid. But when I get a task so enormous that it is almost comical, and I finish that task, I would at the very least like a simple thanks or nice job. It might sound greedy but respect is a big part of me and i dont get much at work anymore. Well, that is this nutshell in a nutshell. I would like to thank anybody who made it through my rambling and I hope you all have a wonderful day and life. Until next time.
