I am a new member, old victim of depression, newly suffering yet again from this cyclic disease, feeling older by the moment that I can't get on top and stay on top...
Confusing enough?
Yeah, me too.
I was diagnosed (by myself and then followed up by my doctor) in 2009. My husband of 19 years and I nearly divorced that year. I was deeply depressed and nearly out of controll. He had lost a friend to depression so he was very supportive in the beginning after we figured out why I was so out of control.
In early 2010, when he was layed off, I was off of my meds and becoming depressed again. He got mad at me but without money and insurance I couldn't see how I could go to the doctor when there was an existing bill I couldn't pay. I did get back on my meds again and things went better.
It seems early every year my depression cycles up again. After the initial diagnosis and getting the drugs under control it seems my husband was no longer connected to me, no longer understood or tried to understand the issues the depression brought to our marriage.
Our life together has always been difficult financially. Last December 16, 2011, our pick up truck was repossessed. We had been doing well as a couple, but when they took the truck he demanded a divorce. No explanations at the time. He has since told me it was the last straw, my inability to manage the money, and he wanted out. Still not a great reason, considering he never made any effort to help with paying the bills, but it is his excuse. After 22 years together, 21 years married, he has all the divorce papers and can file them at any time. I have left him asking for no maintenance, what's the point of taking his money?
So, now at 45, I am on my own again. Living with my parents, sharing a room with my 19 year old daughter, and completely and utterly lost.
I do have a man I am involved with, I won't live my life alone. I am however sinking into depression again, I feel it, I see it, and I am trying my best to not let it take over. I stopped taking my meds, but now know I can not manage my depressive episodes with out them. I HATE the fact that I have to have medication to be a "normal" person.
I have come here in hopes of finding people to talk to. My current "friend" feels he can help me manage my depression. I feel I have let him down by making him think it was manageable without meds. I feel things spiraling out of control again. It's like being two different people, the one depressed and the impassionate by-stander analyzing and fully aware of where I am headed, the train wreck waiting to happen.
I did start seeing a therapist after my husband demanded the divorce. At my last session I had told her I didn't think there was any ground to be gained with understanding why I am being divorced and therefore was going to discontinue therapy. However, we decided it wasn't a great idea to be off the meds and NOT in therapy. I am glad the dispassionate by-stander was there at therapy that week!
I do need to see her again.
I hate that this wonderful man is now seeing the me that I can't fully control. I found myself over the weekend trying to distance myself from him, typical depression reaction in me. Push the people away that may care.
So, yeah, long rambling introduction, but that is me at the moment.
