My girlfriend has a depression :(

[My girl]

Hi,

First of all let me say "thank you" for reading this. my girlfriend really wanted me to talk with someone, as you will see down below i dont really believe in shrinks and the like, so here i am.

Oh, and if it matters we are 24 and 22 years old and we have a long distance relationship for about 14 months now. we are usually together for 1-2 months and then away for about the same amount. when we are together we stay in each others place, so its just us 2. sleeping, cooking, eating, all of that, we are basically living together for that time. And we loved it.. at leats until the last time, when the depression was already kicking in

The thing is, it has been super hard since she got this depression, and it made me question a lot of stuff.

I cant get out of my head that my girlfriend is just weak minded, and i feel a bit guilty for doing so, but i cant stop thinking about stuff that happened, even before she started talking about depression..

Because the depression, i cant really understand how it works.. my girlfriend seems so conscient of what is happening.. i keep thinking it would be much easier to understand if she didnt have such a good perception of things. She can talk of the "depressed self" and the "happy self" and i cant understand why she cant just send the other one away..

But anyway, back to the things that happened before..

First time she was with me, i took her mountainbiking for the first time. She bikes a lot in her home country, but mountainbiking presents diferent challenges.

I still remember how she barely tried to do this climb i took her too. she blamed it on the bike, not being confident on it, the rocks, everything, and she didnt really go for it, she didnt really try. it was not about doing it or not. it was about trying, give it what you got!

Another thing was the "trust me game", asking the other person to face away from us, and falling backwards into our arms. its unbeliavable how "bad" she is at it. she will barely move past vertical position before she steps her foot back. and we tried it at least 5 or 6 times at one point. and I asked her to do it at other times too, she just cant do it.. she cant trust me with this.


The other day she told me she cant bike to her dancing class. And i couldn't stop myself from asking her "you cant sit on your bike, get your feet on the pedals, and go?" to which she got really pissed, said she is trying, its not her fault, its the disease, which brings me to the "other diseases"

She discovered a few months ago that she is word blind (dyslexia), and does that give good excuses. she cant study for that long because of it, she needs more time on the exams because of it, she needs her mom help with ALL the works for school because of it. All of them really annoy me, needing more time, needing more help just feels so weak. JUST DO IT. Everyone has problems, maybe her friends in class arent word blind, but maybe they have other problems, and i doubt anyone has a mommy that reviews their works as much as she does. Its insane, one time she sent her mom the wrong word text file and it was the biggest crisis ever (well, before the depression anyway).

She shouldnt even need her help to begin with. I just wish she could do things herself.

Oh, and after the "word blind" now she has ADHD (atention deficit disorder..) too, just great, one more thing to blame stuff on. and she somehow thinks i have it to, i told her something like "so what?", i'm not going to go and get extra help because of it..

And its not just school, its about leisure time aswell. Her favourite line while playing games is "oh, i thought about that but.."

There is always a "but" or something. The last time she was here i managed to beat her in this game in a way that never happened to us before. It was super easy to blame it on luck, and i'm not being ironic. but as usual. she blamed it with herself.. but with something that WASNT HER FAULT, like being hungry and distracted because of it (we were just about to go eat lunch)

And now the depression, that is just an excuse for everything. "i'm really trying, but its the disease"

Its really hard for me, because i'm not like that at all.

I go for it, even more if people tell me its hard or impossible, i say "Oh yeah? bring it!"

And i hate to have the advantage over someone, i want to do things myself, for what i'm worth. The concept of having extra time on exams and pappers just feels wrong to me. its like she is admiting to herself that she is inferior to everyone else. which is not true.. i know she could do it all without the extra help if she got her mind into it


............


Whats wrong with her life?


when i read about depression, to try and understand it, the causes that pop to are people dying, bad relationships, losing a job, alchool and drugs problems, etc

She is studying what she wanted, and its not that demanding trust me, my sister is studying medicine and the diference between work hours, number os exams and regular stress is soooooooo big!

She lives near her family, and they love her. Not many people are that lucky..

She loves me, right? and i try to support her as much as i can. We even talked about having kids and moving in together.. but this thing just scares me so much. How will she be able to deal with kids if she cant handle herself?!



She did mention before how sometimes she feels like a failure in school, even though she has good grades, i think the way she relies on her mom's help and now the extra times in exams and "word blind" counceling might led her to think she is inferior.

She also had a fight with one of her best friends a few months ago, but we had a really good times when we were together after that, so i hope thats not it

[Obayan]

These diagnosis that your girlfriend has are very serious. They cause major hurdles in life that she has to find a way to deal with and belive me, it isn't easy. Nor is it a sign of weakness. Imagine you are told from now on you have walk everywhere you want to go. Work, the store, friends homes, etc... walk everywhere. Now take one leg and tie it to a cane. A big thick heavy cane. Now walk. It takes time to adjust but it is possible. And it makes it easier to get help from those that love and support you. After time, you will get frustrated at this cane you have to lug around with you everywhere you go. You try to hide it because people stare when they see it. You try not to talk about it because then people see you as being weak and a failure. But eventually, you will learn how to walk with it. And yes, sometimes you even use it as a reason on why you have to walk differently. It's not using it as an excuse, it's acknowleding your new limitations and learning how to adjust to life with it. You will learn to walk. You will be able to go to work, go to the store, go see your friends, and in all outward appearances have a normal life. But it's still there and it still at times makes itself known. That's how it is for your girlfriend with her diagnosis.

[My girl]

that was an interesting comparison.. but are you saying it wont ever go away?

[Obayan]

That depends on the cause, the patient and the treatment. Having a good solid and strong support system in place is essential as well.