How I am where I am.

[DantiaX]

I want to make this simple, easy to read. But it’s also difficult to say “Hey, this is me. This is how I got where I am.” I suppose the best part about this forum is there won’t be anyone from that group that believes, if you’ve had misfortune in your life, that you are plagiarizing a lifetime movie. I think it is accurate to say that this all started when my father died, I was twelve and my younger sister was nine. My mother couldn’t cope with the loss so she started doing drugs and soon she was making meth in our kitchen. That time in my life is a blur, but one I know has shaped who I am today, and the events aren’t easy for me to recount. I’ll summarize as best as I am able and I apologize if you all aren’t all that interested.

We lost our house to my mother drug dealer; we were homeless until we moved in to a small poorly kept apartment. At this point I was taking care of my sister and my mother and her ‘friends’ were unpredictable. I would put my sister in our closet to keep her safe; it wasn’t unusual to be beaten by our mother or her ‘boyfriends’. I was molested and raped repeatedly. At the time I just wanted to make sure my sister was safe and I made sure to hide her and never leave her alone. We ate out of trashcans when there was no food and slept outside when we were locked out of the apartment. Eventually my school noticed that I was barely skin and bones and that there were bruises on my face and took us into DHS custody.

We lived in a shelter for a time and then were placed with my mother’s drug dealer. She was allowed to adopt us. Instead of just my sister to take care of I also needed to take care of her two children. She treated us all badly. She used to pit us against each other and whoever “snitched” on the other or fought the other would get fed. She would often beat us with what she called a razor strap if when she came home over strange things. Such as drinking some of the milk, or if a certain part of the house wasn’t tidy enough. The beatings continued but were more confusing because sometimes she acted like she cared for us. She was often angry if I did well in school or had any sort of achievement.

Eventually, during my senior year, she threw me out. I felt guilty about leaving my sister and my foster siblings and tried to make a life where I could take care of them. During my senior year I was raped by my boyfriend at the time and was deeply hurt when my friends stated that he needed help with is problem and they wouldn’t abandon him during his time of need. I did graduate valedictorian of my class and received scholarships but I ended up homeless and had to quite college and work full time. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Paranoid Depression about this time and I have had to work very hard to get where I am now.

I started talking to my mother again; she had gotten clean and complete
Drug Court, and stayed with her for the summer. Her abusive boyfriend stole my possessions and left me homeless again. My boyfriend (now husband) and his dad helped me find an apartment. Things went ok except that my foster mom and my sister, this saddens me the most, got my number and would harass and prank call me frequently. Eventually my mother was thrown out by her boyfriend and she ended up living with me in my apartment.

Now, my husband and I eventually got an apartment together and I let my mom continue in my old apartment. My sister called me and said she needed a place to stay and I let her move in with me. I had always wanted to take care of her. During this time period my husband’s father died in a hit and run and his mother started doing drugs. She decided that she hated me and would say and do terrible things to me. For a time my husband couldn’t believe what I said was true and didn’t completely believe me until I had a nervous breakdown and had to be admitted. My husband’s younger brother got a girl pregnant and she did drugs and her parents sold them and that’s where they started getting drugs. They all lived together. Eventually my husband gave them an ultimatum and now we don’t have any contact with his family. The blame everything they have ever done on me. I don’t really understand it. His mom even blames her husband’s death on me, which is impossible, and says that I’m “Evil and have stolen her son”.

Recently, my sister decided to join the navy, which is awesome. But to do so she decided she needed to hang out with our foster family. I refuse to even speak to them. We had a huge fight and now she sends me threatening letters and messages on my phone because I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I learned that my sister has lying problem and she has spread so many lies about everyone she knows that it’s a good thing she is in Chicago now because everyone she used to know is so very angry with her. She started drinking and recently married a man she has only known for two weeks. She blames everything on me; she doesn’t think I took good enough care of her when we were young. I was twelve and did my best. She continues to harass me and it continues to depress me.

My husband is amazing but I often feel like he is the only one I have. I worry if something happened to him I would be alone. I have a sister that hates me, my husband’s family hates me, and so does my foster family. There has got to be something wrong with me. My mom recently had to move in with me because she lost her job and her car. I helped her get a very good job and she is trying really hard to do well and get along. But sometimes she is very juvenile and I don’t understand it. This is long and rambling and I’ve left some things out. But this is how I am who I am and how I got here. It’s all becoming more than I can take. I can’t sleep anymore and I often feel worthless and alone.

[balcony]

Dear DantiaX, I am truly sorry to read your story, such heartbreak. You have showed amazing courage and strength throughout it all. NO, nothing is wrong with you or undesirable. The people who make you feel that way have been corrupted by their life style choices. Drugs and its lifestyle does change a person's perceptions and ability to nurture and keep loving relationships. You were just the victim of other peoples' bad choices. I am very happy to read that you feel loved by your spouse.

I hope therapy/counseling is a real option for you. Even though you cannot change the past, it is possible to learn coping strategies for the future. You might check out our chat room here as well. It is a place where you can further express your thoughts and have instant feedback from others. Take care, thinking of you

[Dina]

I know ur story has more detail but from what I have read so far I have to say u r one strong girl.
I don't know if I could last like u. Keep being the caring and helping person u r and just keep the negative ppl out of your life (even if they are ur family).

~Dina

[Emann]

Hey DantiaX... Your story is truely awsome and awful at the same time. Awful because of the burdens thrown at you since you were a very young person. Awsome in that you've survived your past to put you where you are today. Others around you haven't done as well.

You didn't mention what if any help you've sought out to deal with your depression. Firstly there's your medical system. There are "alternative" measures in addition to the usual treatments that include things like diet, excersise, meditation, counseling, pier group meetings, ...
Sorry if any of this is old news to you.

You probably know or have noticed that in a depressed state your perceptions about yourself are more negative than is really warranted. Your feelings of worthlessness are totally missplaced. Take a breath, then feel proud of yourself! If you stand back and look at your life sofar you'll know that you have reason to be proud.

... and about feeling lonely... yeah I know that it's more lonely to have family around you that rejects you than it is to be truely alone. But you have an awsome partner that supports you. You are very fortunate to have him in your life. Btw how is he holding up? He may be facing similar issues because of stress from his own family, and he may need your support. As for your respective families: you can consider reaching out to help them if and when they really want your help. Untill then, divorce yourselves from them; they are not your problem. Maybe consider a move out-of-state, a fresh start...

Wish the both of you all the best.