I dont know what to do...

[cawille2]

This is really hard for me to write because I'm not one to express my feelings openly. To hide my feelings I go to the gym and release stress...but I need too tell someone...I have too. I am a female whose a sophomore in college and live in a sorority house with my sisters. Im a pretty outgoing and fun person on the outside..but on the inside, its a whole different girl. Two weeks before I left for my freshman year of college, my dad and I were driving to Walmart when he told me that he and my mom were getting divorced. At the time I wasn't shocked by what he had said because I knew it was long overdue. After today however, it has really hit me. My life is slowly spiraling into a deep, dark whole. My parents almost force me to pick sides sometimes...I can't handle it. Not once throughout my whole life up until the divorce did my mom tell me I love you. Never. A month after my dad told me she said it too me. I couldn't say it back...not because I don't love her...I just couldn't. During my life, my mom was always gone with my sister...it was always about her so I grew really close to my dad. I would do anything in the world for him...he is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him. It made me really upset that now all of a sudden my mom is trying to come into my life after 20 years...its hard. I've also never had a boyfriend before and I've cried numerous times and thought well Im just too ugly or not smart enough or my teeth are straight enough...every possible negative thought... I've got them covered. The divorce of my parents has not only taken control of relationships with boys but also with my friends. The past month or so has really gone down hill for me and today was my absolute breaking point. My "best friend" and I had been planning to live together next year in a house close to campus with another girl who also lives in the house with us. There is just so much to tell I don't even know where to begin...Lets start with the past two months. This semester I am taking harder classes and have had more hw than usual so I've been hiding in my room and haven't been going out as much. Because of that, my "best friend" has been growing closer to two other girls that live in the house...right next door to me actually. Before, my "best friend" would always come into my room and check to see what I'm doing or just to talk but I can't remember the last time she did...oh wait actually today when she threw me to the curb (so to speak). My "best friend" barely talks to me and when all four of the girls (my "best friend, the other girl I was going to live with, and the two new best friends) go out, they rarely include me. A couple times all four of them went to a fraternity's function and I would be left all alone...thats when I would cry myself to sleep. Gosh I have just had this bottled up inside me for too long...okay so today after I had gotten back from a field hockey game, my "best friend" and the other girl I was supposed to live with came into my room and told me they didn't want to live with me anymore. They said they wanted to live with the two new girls next door to me instead. They said they would rather live with people who are the same age, have the same majors and interests as them. I agreed but right after they walked out of the room...I burst into tears. I am writing this because I have been crying ever since and cant stop. My head is pounding. How could someone who claims to be my best friend just say pretty much hey were throwing you out of our living situation because we found two people we like better and want to live with them instead?? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!?! I am now left all alone sad, confused, depressed, everything. About an hour ago I literally thought about walking into the middle of the main road so I could get hit by a car. I want to go crawl into a hole and die. Today has really made me realize how much the divorce and having all these emotions bottled up inside me has changed my life and made me depressed. I want to get help but I dont know where I should go or what I should do and thats why I'm writing. Theyre are counselors at are school but I dont know if I can trust them or anyone to hear my feelings....PLEASE tell me what to do:(

[balcony]

Cawille2, Hi.
First, I want to welcome you here and say how glad I am that you came. Your story sounds very difficult and one which has caused you a lot of confusion and heartache. Several things are important for you to remember: it is ok to love both your parents but in different ways, their marital issues are between the 2 of them, and they are grieving too and trying to figure out the next phase of their lives. I am happy to read that you and your Father are so close and I would take comfort in that. Your parents are adults and mistakes they have made or continue to make are not your fault or responsibility. Love them as best you can and hope that the situation stabilizes in time.
Do not feel bad about your classes and your decision to study more. In the end, that will become a great asset. A friend who does not understand your academic priority is not being a good friend. Do not blame yourself. Yes, taking time to nurture friendships is important and you should take breaks and spend time with people that you enjoy, but, school is school and you are correct to focus on your studies. Roomate situations are always tricky. I once left my house ( a house with 3 girls) to spend a few weeks in an internship and when I returned they had moved out and packed my stuff up because a "better" house had become available. I was homeless. I remember feeling very hurt but I went on to find another living situation. In the next few years, you are going to encounter many difficult situations both academic and social. You are not alone in that. Yes, I would suggest you take advantage of the counseling services on campus. People are ready and willing to help. Often times, colleges and universities have an 'action plan" in place to help students who are experiencing emotional or mental upset but you must identify yourself to them. Take advantage of what they might be able to offer you.
Welcome to the forum, feel free to post and tell us how you are doing, many hugs, it will get better.