Daddy issues

[ADarko]

My story?

I am 24 years old, and it wasn't until a couple of years ago I realized that my father is a flaming alcoholic.
That combined with a really bad temper (even when he's sober) created a really hostile environment for me as a kid,
bur more importantly as a teenager.
He's put me in a deadly situation once, where I had to protect my younger sister because he just left us.
I've been afraid my whole life that he will beat me. So far, the only abuse has been verbally.
Hard, evil, breaking, around the clock verbally abuse.
I, therefor, have taught myself from a young, young age to crawl inside myself whenever bad things happen,
when I get scared or nervous. Which has now left me with incredible trust issues and issues.
I still crawl within my own mind, putting up walls. All the time.
I don't dare to speak to people, because I'm afraid.

It's also just recently I've really realized exactly how messed up I really am. Even more so than I dare admit to myself.
I'm crying as I am typing this, because it's not easy for me to say all of this, even though it is on a anon site,
you can't look me in the eyes or judge me.
I never talk to people about this, not even my nearest and dearest friends.
They have tried to make me talk about it, and one of them even said
(she was semi-drunk though so don't hold it against her)
"What's wrong with you? How the hell do you think it make's us feel
when we come to you with our troubles, and you never share yours?!"

This got way longer than I intended.

[balcony]

Adarko, I am very sad to read that post. I am glad you took the time to write. Substance abuse is a terrible problem and it hurts the addict as well as everyone around him. I am sure you suffered greatly in many ways. I would encourage you to seek counseling and discuss all that has happened in your life. While you cannnot change the past, you can learn ways to cope better with the future. If you have not looked at the chat room here at DU, you might give that a try too.
Please continue to post and look forward to hearing for you again, take care