A long steep slope (triggering)

[longwaydown]

My story starts at a young age. When I was 8 my father started physically abusing me. Beating me till I couldn't move. He seemed to me to find anything any excuse to beat me. His hands where the things I feared the most. When my favorite uncle died the abuse got worse and on most occasions also included emotional abuse. One phrase he like to say was no one would love me no one could love someone who is worthless. The only ones that got to view this was my younger and older sister. They tried to stop it once and he hit them once across the face which ended their courage. I didn't think he was right my mom who never knew till 3 years of what I saw as punishment for something I did. I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc...

Well that was until the first guy I ever liked beat me up with a hockey stick leaving me in the middle of the street with a car coming down it. My uncle used to say he was the only one who loved me not my mom or my dad, only him. Maybe he was right. After the incident, the people I saw as friends took it upon themselves to show me how they truly feel: Rocks in snowballs, name calling, throwing sticks and rocks as I pass, hitting me with a belt holding the end so as the belt buckle would hit me. I started to believe this is how people just treat other people. My sisters would join them by hitting me and looked as if they took pleasure in the act.

Then walks in the guy to seems genuine, loving, caring, and he says he loves me. I couldn't believe it I had finally proven myself worthy of love from another human being. Everything is great I experience my first day of complete happiness in a long while. He then tells me he is polyamorous. That means he sleeps/ has relationships with multiple people. I'm willing to accept this and stay with him. He makes me feel safe, loved, cherished, and everything I imagine someone is suppose to feel everyday. Nothing changes really I meet the others and most of us get a long except with one. He decides to make two of the girls his girlfriends. I don't make the cut, again the thoughts of what did I do wrong pops up in my head. Though he still comes around, says he loves me, says he cares...

Many things go wrong in relationships I'm not blind to that. He becomes emotionally abusive to me along with one of his girlfriends. This continues for three years till one day he says he hates me I'm always coming between him and his girlfriend (the other one left the nice one). Yet he still talks to me and wants to sleep with me. I, the fool, still in love with him forgets he even hates me when he smiles and starts to convince me to sleep with him. I thought maybe if I just forgot everything would be all puppies and kittens...I was wrong. A few months later he told me everything positive that happened was a lie. He never loved me, cared for me....nothing.


Yet when he sees me now when I hang out with his brother a good friend of mine. He is all smiles and tells me he still has fantasies about me. Now he has become a father with that girlfriend of his.

What is so wrong with me that I can't be loved? What makes it ok to abuse me? I can't take it any longer the sadness has over come me. I feel bogged down and on my last straw.... I've been abused, lied to, and have to my fear become unlovable. Is there no happiness out there to spare? No love?

[doodlebug1234]

So sorry to hear such a sad story Have you gone to counseling You need to speak to a professional aboout your feelings and abuse Keep me posted I care

[Obayan]

When we hear how worthless and useless we are often enough, we begin to believe it. Once we believe it, we don't have to hear it anymore. We say it to ourselves. After time, it becomes a way of life.

This is one of the things that Cognitive Behavior Therapy addresses and can help with. It helped me a lot. I had to take it twice for it to sink in all the way, but it did help.

These mind sets that people inflict on us, they influence the person we become and how we see things. We have to fight against that.

You do not ever deserve to recieve pain. You deserve and have the right to have love in your life. You are a valuable person. You have rights and deserve the respect we give to all human beings.

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you in your life. Fight back. Seek out the help you need to overcome this. And don't give up. Ever.

[balcony]

Longwaydown, I am sure it was painful to write that story. Professional help and counseling, CBT, as Obayan suggested, would all be things to look into. Your life thus far seems to reflect a pattern of negative and abusive things. We tend to believe these patterns when we live them. In your case, these patterns are false, wrong, and destructive. You are lovable, worth as much as any other person, and you should never accept someone telling you otherwise. I hope seeking some professional assitance will help you believe this too. I am sorry for your pain.
Feel free to check out our chat room at DU, there are many nice people and you might like it.
Good luck and take care