First time I've had internet at home in a long time, and I guess the first thing I did was check out if there were any communities/helpful sites on depression.
When I was about 13 I started understanding I had been abused sexually by my brother. I had a violent mother on top of that. I couldn't stand being with anyone till I was 26, then got married too soon and it ended badly. (Unsurprisingly I seem to attract abusive types...) I have been terrified of trying again since breaking up with my husband. I have extremely low self-esteem and I've always hated my body, or more like, it has made me cry more than once.
I turned 30 a few days ago and looking back my life has been quite the train wreck, struggling with a part-time job ever since my return from my US marriage, not making rent, always worrying... Over the past few months I've begun feeling like I can't take it anymore, thinking about suicide a lot.
In a way, I know I'm not gonna do it (now.) But I'm afraid that the downward spiral will continue and then who knows.
I don't talk to ppl about my condition, my Dad and my best friend know technically, but we have never talked about it and they have always seemed a bit helpless in that department. (Who can blame 'em after all.
)
I always used to be a shy person, but enjoyed going out and engaging in various activities.
Nowadays I just hide. I stay inside and watch my tv shows, they're like medication in a way.
I'm scared to switch off the TV at night, because it makes me realize how lonely and terrified I am.
I haven't slept through a whole night ever since I was a kid.
Hm.
Sorry. I guess this introduction forum is for other things than whining, I guess I've kept it inside for so long all this just burst out of me.
Just hoping to find another reason than holding on because I haven't watched all seasons of show "X" yet. (Yeah, I'm pathetic.
)
