I am so angry with myself for regressing.

[Marie]

Last year I went through the worst depression episode of 3 in my life. I finally got a great psychiatrist, got on the right meds and after three months, I began to see the joy in everyday life again.

I met a wonderful man, my career was going better than ever, I was happy. Then in October, I noticed the signs. And I fought them. I tried to be social, I took my meds everyday, I used my seasonal light; nothing was working. I could no longer drag myself out of bed in the morning to work on time, I stopped accepting invitations to go out, I stopped answering the phone. I thought it was just winter blues.

December came with a vengeance. My brother has become a full blown addict and no longer will speak to the family, work stress became unbearable, I couldn't string sentences together or concentrate on presentations and my work. I started being unable to monitor my bills and finances and then the last straw, my boyfriend and I broke up because he does not want a family and I do.

So I snapped. I am the most career-oriented person I know but on a Mon morning, but I started crying and couldn't stop and told my boss I needed a break and left. I have been on a leave for four weeks and my meds have been adjusted but I am so angry that I am here again. I worked so hard to get out of dark and I am here again. Unable to see a purpose in waking up everyday. Time feels like my enemy. I hate being awake. I hate that I can barely get dressed let alone try to see my friends or buy groceries. I know the meds take some time to adjust, but I am just so sad. I feel so alone and that no one understands. And I hate that the odds are that this will happen again because this is my fourth episode. Why try to get better when you will probably just end up back here again? I am so tired. And so sick of crying and when I am not crying, so numb from sedatives that I can't feel. I just needed to get that out. It's Sat night, I am on my couch and I hate the thought of getting up again tomorrow.

[45&counting]

Hi Maria,

I just want you to know that your post helped me understand what my wife might be going through. We both struggle with depression, but hers is more chemical, I think, and mine is more situational.

I'm sorry for your struggle, but I sure can relate to finding myself back in a place I thought I'd left forever, emotionally.

Best to you,

Kory

[Obayan]

HI. I'm really sorry that you have so much going on right now that's causing so much pain. But you have been here before. You know how this works. We all have setbacks and yours is very justified with all that's going on. I wish you strength, hope and warm hugs.

We have a chat room here if you would like to try it out. Lots of really great people who do care.

[Idealsummerluvvv]

Hi Marie,

I also got an episode in December.

It's a catch 22 because one doesn't feel like doing the things that would make you feel better. I know how that goes.

"This too shall pass."

hang in there,

[gentleconundrum]

I know for me, and it might be different for you, but just a thought... when I finally felt safe to feel how I felt, when my external life was stable, that was when I started to get really unwell. That was 6 or so years ago, although I'd had difficulties before then. It is a painful paradox that the mind does this. It can stir up lots of anger. It can help to be with, rather than judge the feelings. This can take some work and time, but really is worth it.