my success story... sort of....

[fallen_angel]

so simply put i have been unhappy my whole life. I can honestly say i have not had a good solid stretch of happiness. It seems to be the case that anytime i try to get my life back on track and motivated to do things something horrible happens and sets me back. My life has always been "hard" rife with disappointments and every time of abuse you can think of. I feel like i never fit in, people constantly judging me and putting me down throughout my whole life both family coworkers and school mates. I feel stupid and out of place where ever i go. I started to experience panic attacks in my late teens and during university and i just chalked it up to being overly stressed and did not seek help. A few months ago i began to experience panic attacks again over the stupidest things! the first occurred when my husband was driving in the rain and i became obsessed that he was driving too close to the "lines" and we were going to hit something and crash. the second occurred at the mall the following week when he gave me a weird look. I decided right there that i was sick of living this way and decided to get help.

What did i have to lose by going to see someone about this? I'm not going to get any worse, so i might as well give it a shot. i might add that the energy that it took to simply start the process was the hardest part.... when your so unhappy the last thing you want to do is get out of bed let alone deal with this garbage head on!!

so I am finally dealing with this.... I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (duh) but surprisingly severe post traumatic stress disorder and mild bipolar disorder. I didn't think what i've been through is all that traumatic but apparently NO ONE thinks so. my doctor told me about a lady who would check and lock all the knife drawers in her house and that lady believed that was completely normal and she was not tramatised at all. its nice to get some perspective on this.

simply put i am just beginning my journey, i have not even really begun treatment, and i refuse to take any meds but my hubby and friends are noticing a happier change, and i do too. Maybe because I am finally working on getting this monkey off my back, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but most importantly and i don't feel like a baby for wimpering over the smallest things anymore.

Someone agrees with me, hey you've been through some heavy shit and now it's time to mourn it and deal with it..... not even let it go!! just stare it in the face and be sad about it freak out about it and it feels good to have someone giving me permission to be sad about these stupid things in my life.

So simply put this is my story, i can relate to everyone on here who feel helpless and hopeless and who don't care what happens in their life. I just felt like writing this, I'm so used to being miserable, alone, stupid, over dramatic and a baby but I'm just in a werid place where i don't feel so shitty about being all these things anymore.

[DapperDan]

I may be able to relate..I too am in my dark place. I am a believer that meds and therapy work but ultimatly it is YOU who has to face yourself in the mirror. I am two weeks out from losing my family. I had to leave my (now EX FIANCE) and illegitimate child (who I thought of as my own) after two years of being together. I know pain especially as the holiday grows nearer. Its hard to know for a fact what is wrong and how to deal with it but its those mental blocks. The ones where you freeze in front of your family day dreaming about some distant memory. It all builds upon your character. At the end of the day its the ability to CHOOSE who you want to be. Hell I havent even figured it all out yet. I have a number of tattoos but one states "If we spend our time with regrets of yesterday and worries over what might happen tomorrow, we have no TODAY in which to live"