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[forgiven]

I'm just some how trying to reach out,I'm a 53 year old male retired,I have lots of Health issues that caused me to retire and I have severe Depression and now that I think I have had this Depression sense I was a teenager,I am also in a very unhappy Marriege and there just seems no way out for most of my issues,I am very lonely and I'm just tired of hurting
emotionally and pyhsically,I keep hoping that some how this black Cloud will disappear and I will be able to find me some day.I do take Medication that keeps me from having a meltdown,but I rarely talk to anyone about this,I would so like to find happiness before my time in this World has ended,sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time,due to my age and Health issues.

[Helicon]

I'm right there with ya. I'm 47 and in an unhappy marriage as well. My health has slipped after age 40, although it's nothing that's going to 'do me in' in the short term, but between thinking about that and being in this miserable marriage has really taken it's toll on my mental and physical well being.

[forgiven]

Yep Helicon,I have struggled for years with the loveless,sexless Marriege for the most part,I've always thought about my Children growing up in a Home
without there Father being there and I didn't want to be a part time Father,
along with that there's no dout in my mind that my Spouse would have been so nasty in a Divorce.
Now my Children are grown,I'm afraid there is nothing really keeping us together other than money and convenace,neither one of us can afford all the debts We have alone and in addition I do have some real severe health iusses.
All this said,have have such poor self-esteem and that feeling of worthlessness and failure,sometimes there seems to be no way out,but somehow I must pick myself up and dust all the dust and dirt off.

[forgiven]

Anybody know how to get in the Chat Room with a IPAD?

[Obayan]

Hi forgiven. I'm 50 and pretty much in the same situation as you. I'm a widow with kids all grown. I know it's hard but we aren't alone in this.

[forgiven]

Obayan,It's just that with all my issues I feel so worthless and it's like there's no hope,I know this is really not the truth deep down inside,but in my Mind when the Depression seems to take over without notice,it feels so
lonely and it feels like there's no way out.
I have tried to reach out,Church and Mens group,but Know that I put my Mask on most of the time and sometimes even going there triggers an episode by seeing people and couples appearing to be happy,this site I hope will help,I really need people who have this issue in common to talk with,I'm really afraid,I don't know how to deal with this or if I can,I'm tired of hurting inside and really want to be a happier person,I have never seen a Mental Health Professional and I really don't have the finds to do so and honestly I would probilily just tell them what they wanted to here,I do however take Medication that was prescribed by my primary Doctor several years ago,He's for the most part one of those Doctors who keep there hand on the Door Knob the whole time your there,I did talk to one counselor once and he let you know right up front if you told him you were having feelings of hurting yourself He would have to call the Police and you would be locked up in a Mental Health Facility,so if you were you couldn't tell him,right? Being a Father and Husband and the provider of your Family.
Sorry for going on and on,but just needed to vent,talk reach out,
I've just got to keep reaching out and UP.

[Obayan]

Forgiven, you aren't alone. So much of your pain is well known to me as well. You can call your local er and find the address and/or phone number to the nearest free mental health care facility. Just keep trying hon. This is one battle worth winning.

[forgiven]

Obayan,OMG all your Health issues,I have some of these issues too,how do you deal with it? It's seems with Me the Health issues just add to the cycle of Depression that I'm in,around and around I go,along with that I had to retire due to Health also,then there's the stress of money issue and the really BAD Marriege,like I said " it really feels like there's no way out"
no money,no Family other than my Spouse and Children who are grown,no where to go.
I just can't go to E.R,I know what will happen,I really don't want to harm
myself and don't believe I am in immediate treat of doing something to myself,but it's like I can't fix this,that's what I mean by no way out.

[Obayan]

first, you have to realise you didn't suddenly wake up one day in this much pain. It took time to get to where you are right now. And it will take time to heal from it. Second, you don't have to say any more to the er nurse than "i need to get the number to the nearest free mental health care clinic". That's it. They can't do anything to you just for asking for a phone number hon. And it will only take two seconds on the phone to accomplish this. Third, realise you aren't perfect. You are human. And that means mistakes have and will be made. I don't think there is a day goes by that i don't think about takeing a drink, or hurting myself in some way. But thinking about it and doing it are two seperate things. It's ok to think it sometimes. It's not ok to ever act on that thought. I made a promise to some people i care very much about. If the thoughts ever get to be too much and i decide to act on it, i will call them first.

[forgiven]

Darn,it's been such a rotten Week,stressing about money issues and Spouse OMG she just want let up,sense I'm retire due to Medical issues and basically a House Boy,at least that's how it feels,I can do chores most of the day and if she comes Home and see's something I failed to do,she makes sure She points that out.
This has been such a unhappy Marriege for years,no love,no Sex,not much of that anyway and She almost makes Me feel guilty for having that kind of desire,My Depression tells Me no one would ever want Me now that I'm getting older and out of shape,understatement and along with that I have no family other than My Spouse and My grown Children,NO where to go and the truth is as much as I hate to admit it,I don't want to be alone the rest of My Life,I'm soooo lonely even though I am Married.I just don't seem to have no where to turn.[/u]

[Obayan]

I know how scarey it is thinking about being all alone, but are you really better off being with the wrong person?

[forgiven]

I know the real answer is NO,but when you've been staying married for your Children mostly and you've been been telling yourself for years that no one else would want you,and with the very poor self-esteem,I guess having a bad room mate is better than being alone,at least that's how it feels right now,We aren't even good championship to one another,I do accept my part
of this mess or even more,because I do realize that I'm looking through depressed eyes and perhaps I don't see things clearly.
Thank you for talking to Me and if you pray please pray for Me.

[Obayan]

Is this really the lesson you want to teach your children? That it's ok to accept being treated badly and this is acceptable behavior from a spouse when you get married? That it's ok to settle for less?

[forgiven]

No,I really don't want to teach them to settle or to be treated badly,I have managed to hide this for many years,I have never spoken to anyone about these feelings ever! I accept more than my part in this and like I said I feel there's no way out,no money,no family,no where to go,so what can I do after twenty six plus years,yes and this makes Me feel like a failure too.
honestly I have no where to go,no family other than my Spouse and grown Children,no one,she doesn't treat Me bad all the time,but not good either,
I so desire to be chariest,I've never had this,I know maybe guys shouldn't be all warm and feely,but as you get older this seems to matter lots more,I'm going on and on again,tell you what's kind of funny,I sometimes text myself just to have someone to speak and share,that's a little sad too.

[Obayan]

You are not a failure. Never ever think this. We all make mistakes at one time or another. It's human. We learn from them. We try our best not to repeat them. And we survive them. I'm so sorry there is so much lonliness in your life. I hear the pain in your words. I'm a widow. I sit here in my house day after day with nobody's words to be heard but my own. I know how hard it is to be alone. But to be honest, I'd much rather be alone than have to feel the pain of being with the wrong person. I know it's hard. I know the pain you feel. You aren't alone.