I am a melancholy man

[Dan]

Hello,

Its difficult to say for how long I have been with melancholy, all that I can say with certainty is it is getting worse. For as long as I can remember I have managed to keep it hidden from others by using small jokes and sarcastic remarks, and a forced smile or laugh. But I can only keep the mask on for so long. Its strange to feel utterly alone in a room full of people, and yet I feel that and left out or ignored. What is with that?

There are things that people saythat trigger my melancholy and cause me to become irratable, angry, confused, overwelmed with worthlessness and sadness and finally hoplessness.

I have very low self-estem and a high degree of worry, particaularly about what people think of me-- It has kept me from expressing myself openly. I have tried to break through these barriers before, but the result seems to be the same. I get scared and say anything or I end up in a fight with friend or someone I care about cause I feel that are not really wanting to understand me, and then I lose them. What am I doing wrong?

I can't seem to escape my bad thoughts and dreams. Because of this I end up staying awake till the early hours of the morn. Then I either force myself to sleep or my body just tells me too out of exhaustion.

[Eric0620]

Hi Dan,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Yeah, there is nothing worse than having to put up a front to hide how you're really feeling. An extension of that is that often times there is an expectation of our gender to be nothing but strong and not to let on if we're hurting, or else we're "weak" or "not men". That's a bunch of garbage, I think --- I know NOT everyone feels that way, but often it's an unspoken rule. I don't go to pieces at the drop of a hat, but if it builds-up enough it's hard to deal with it. The changes in season to fall and then winter don't help, either --- it's definitely depressing saying goodbye to summer for gloomier months. Somehow it seems perfect that I was born in November since that is the bleakest month of the year, and I often feel that way.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong --- you're just embroiled in a battle with depression and it's not your fault. Do you see a therapist and/or are you on meds, if you don't mind my asking? I see a really good one here and am taking meds for depression. If you aren't, I'd like to encourage you, one depressed man to another, that it would be the right thing to do. The medicine I take (Amitriptyline) helps me sleep pretty soundly, so if you are fortunate enough you could take one that helps with that.

Hang in there, Dan --- you and I will both make it and so will everyone else here.

Sincerely,
Eric

[Dan]

No I do not see a theripist yet and I am not on any kind of meds. I haven't the funds to afford either.

What I need, what I want is some support.

[Obayan]

Dan, welcome to the forums. I'm very sorry there is so much pain in your life right now. I agree with Eric, talking to a doc is a good thing. It can help a lot. If you can't afford one, call your local ER and ask for the address/phone number of the nearest free clinic. Being in need of help is not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign of being human. We all need help sometimes. One of the most responsible things we can ever do as adults is recognise that need and be responsible enough to do something about it.

we also have a chat room here too if you need some more immeidate help.

[Dan]

Thanks for that welcome Obayan.


I get really frustrated with people when they pressume that I don't care about them or there problems.

[Obayan]

I get frustrated sometimes too. I call it the "me" factor. It's where everyone is so wrapped up in "me me me me me" they forget there are others there helping them and supporting them.