Where I'm at right now....Triggering words

[ArtGirl]

I'm 38 years old. I've had ups and downs through my life.....none of which compare to the down I'm on right now....and this time I haven't come back up for air. I'm drowning.

I wake up in the morning, almost every morning....with a very negative attitude. My depression is the first thing I think of. I have tried many mornings to 'hit the reset button' and try to force myself to see positive, happy things, joy in my life. This used to work for me. It would start my day out the right way...the rest of the day would be ok and I would fall alseep that night feeling like I defeated my negative monster.

As of lately, that stopped working. I wake up thinking thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness, and I have no energy even to take a shower most days. I ask, what for? The thing that made me decide this is a 'triggering post' is, I always thought I could never end my life. Too much to live for and love. Lately, it's on my mind too much and I need help. I can't live with this on my mind all the time. It's terrifying. To me having those thoughts are the last straw and I won't let myself get sucked in anymore. I apologize for bringing it up, and I hope I'm not breaking any rules by talking about it, but I figured if I talk about it, I might feel a little better and maybe not so alone. I feel very much alone.

Ok so there's that.

I've also noticed, It's becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything. Work, chores, paying bills, things I HAVE to get done every day stopped mattering. I'm exhausted. Everything takes effort.

Socially I'm an idiot. I can't seem to interact with anyone without getting so nervous that I talk a mile a minute or say stupid off the wall things. I can't make eye contact with people which cause them to react to me in a strange way...usually rejecting me. As a result of that rejection I usually over react and end up in tears. You have to drag me out of the house to get me to get out and do anything lately. It's easier to just avoid people.


This is just a handful of things that are on my mind. There's so much more. These are the things that bother me the most and I recognize them, but I don't know what steps to take to change. I want that so much, i can't even describe to you how much i want to be happy and to function normally again. I used to be able to handle life in general. I've lost all control over it.

What do I do now? How can I start on the right road to getting better besides what I'm doing now? I feel like I'm just going crazy.

[hollyann]

Hi there. Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Are you in therapy or on meds? Either, or, both may be able to help you. You're not alone in this, there are people that come here that have social anxiety, or people that struggle leaving the house as well.

Sometimes lookng right above a person's eyes or above them gives them the impression you are making eye contact when you are actually no. This can sometimes be helpful.

Thank you for labeling your post triggering. You didn't break any rules. Its acceptable that you mention having the thoughts, we just ask that you don't go into details or methods, which you haven't. We arent a crisis service, but we are here for support. You can get through this and find joy in things again.

holly

[ArtGirl]

The looking above eyes....I never thought of that.

I've done counseling, and so many different types of meds, I can't even tell you. I've always been medication sensitive and those precautions you see on most commercials...usually geared towards people like me :\

I'm thinking about getting back into seeing someone again to talk. Thinking this place may have been my first step.

Thanks for clarifying .... I just never know where the limits are on these sites, ya know?

[hollyann]

Hi again. Sorry you are so sensitive to meds. Therapy might be a good idea to try again, with someone you can really open up to, and more geared to what you are dealing with now.

Thanks for asking for clarification and for understanding.

hollyann