Not really sure how to start this....

[S.W.A.T_24]

look, I don't want anyone to think I have had a bad childhood or a bad life by any means. I have had the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I have a great girlfriend and I just received my undergraduates degree in exercise science. I was a college football player and at one point in time all the friends in the world.... I just don't know what happened. Now I sit at home every single night, I don't go out because of an arrest due to a drinking incident that has me on probation pretty much for life. So it seems like I get pushed to the side by people my age because I don't drink anymore, and really if anyone has ever gone to the bar and not drank its rather annoying and not really that much fun.

All of my old friends have moved away from my home town and gotten on with their lives and at 24 I get major anxiety of even moving two house from the house I grew up in. I have a constant body image problem where I make myself work out even at times where I am completely exhausted. I wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror completely disgusted with my body (even though I sit at 5% body fat) Also right now I am injured (torn rotator cuff) that held me back from perusing my dream job, but you know what? I wanted out of that job because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving home. I have a major anxiety about making new friends and being on my own and it kills me because I am so used to being able to make friends (mainly through sports) and I have been unable to harness that ability outside the athletic facility.

I never trust anyone, I still check up on my girlfriend of two years and I have a hard time letting people into my personal life. I always feel like someone is judging me or out to get me so I just push people out. When I get depressed I completely shut down and push anyone who cares about me away. I don't know why I do this. All of the things I used to enjoy, the outdoors, sports, cars I just don't find much interest in. It seems like even when I'm working I just wake up work out go to work come home work out n go to bed.

Currently I fill my free time at night with smoking marijuana, it seems to be the only thing that keeps me level and out of my own head. I never smoke during the day or smoke and drive ect. When I do its just me sitting in my home or my girlfriends home. Even though I know it is illegal its really the only thing other than working out that can put me in a good mood.

Here lately (over the past 6 months or so) I have been completely depressed, sometimes shutting myself off from the whole world because I feel like there is no one out there struggling with leaving home, body image and self image the way I do. I am constantly inside my own head and the only time I'm not is when I'm under the influence. Right now I am not working because of the injury but other than the dead end job at the steel factory that I had prior to this I'm not sure I would leave because of my constant sick feeling when thinking about leaving home.

I know I don't have major problems compared to a lot of people but these past 6 months have taken their toll on me mentally and physically, I don't eat much anymore and over the past 2 weeks I have gone from 185 lbs to 169 lbs. I feel like I'm constantly running in place and fighting myself with every single stride. I want to get on with my life and fulfill the passions I have always wanted to do but I feel like I'm trapped here because of myself. If I could shake just a few of these I feel like I could get on with my life. If anyone has any advice feel free to pm me or e-mail me and we can talk, even if its just to vent to someone, I'm here because I know what being prideful is like and not wanting to bother your family and friends with your problems.

Thanks for listening, sorry it was so wordy.

[Ahorse]

Hi Swat,

Right throughout your post you essentially describe what are symptoms of depression. All of what you write is showing that.

Are you or have you seen a doctor about it? If not then what do you expect to happen? Thye obvious result of not seeing a doc etc is that this will get worse as you cannot cure it on your own. Especially when you won't talk to anyone about it.

It will continue eating at you until you reach a major breakdwon and at that stage it is terrifically hard to recover.

Which all adds up to "act now". Do you understand? If your leg was broken would you refuse to discuss it and not see a doctor? No, you wouldn't. This is the same but can lead to worse results I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter what you think about your childhood and all the rest. One issue is important. You are very depressed, right? That's what you need to focus on.

The weight loss you state sounds a bit more than reality to me. But you say you do a lot of exercise and have body image issues. Sounds a lot like an eating disorder to me. You know, the one usually experienced by teenage girls due to the media pressure to conform.

I too, at one stage, lost a lot of weight. 4 stone over 3 months. Why? I was suicidal, thought of nothing else and forgot about eating. That was my extreme and it shocked me. I've never lost weight when I'm OK and never really felt a drive to do so. It doesn't matter much to me normally you see.

Smoking dope is certainly a way to isolate yourself. When do you see your girlfriend? Does she smoke too?

Many will say that smoking dope causes depression but the science actually proves that to be true if you are under the age of maturity. IE the age at which your brain is fully developed. That age is abut 22. So, if you smoked a lot before that age that could be the cause.

Smoking now should not hurt you really but it will make you not want to do anything much. I found it helps me concentrate these days but I'm 60 and don't smoke regularly.

If you do keep smoking it will stop having much effect and you will just smoke more and more to try and get the effect you seek. Doesn't work, it's a waste of money and time to try that. The answer is to give up for extended periods and then if you smoke you will get that effect again, but not by continuous smoking.

Smoking with other people is fun too but it sounds like you do it alone. WHich is just as destructive as someone who drinks alone, at home. Don't do either. These are things meant for casual use, not regular.

An arrest due to drinking that has you on probation for life? Must have been extremely serious and that most certainly would be a major place to explore with a therapist as it has changed your life and you don't enjoy your life any more.

It's good if you don't drink. I drank for about 25 years to avoid treatment and had a lot of fun but eventually I became violent so I stopped that morning when I woke and realised it. It's actually not hard to give up if you really want to and I did. Your comment about being at a bar not drinking and not having fun is a normal comment. When people get drunk they think they are funny but when you see it sober, it's actually quite disgusting. So don't go.

The doctor issue is what you need to consider and act on. You don't have to reply about that here if you don't want to. You may be seeing a doc already, I don't know.

It's very hard at first to go to a doc and tell them what's going on and most of us are scared to do so. In fact there's nothing to be afraid of as docs have heard it all before and have one interest only. Helping you with treatment.

I'd suggest that you do not accept meds as the first line of treatment but ask for a referral to a therapist, talk therapy. That sounds like what you need to do first. If it persists or deteriorates then meds may be relevant. Many of us do both.

Good luck but do something. Don't just sit at home fretting.