FALLING TO PEICES (Triggering Material)

[xken728]

Ive fallen to my knees ,and desperatly scramble around with my bleeding
hands trying desperatly to pick up the peices of my broken mind .
Slowly they tumble towards the gutter and i screem in panic as i struggle
to gather them back together .
Knowone takes any notice of me ,as they pass me and walk by,
i look up with pleading eyes ,but knowone looks back .
Of course they cannot see this world ,it remains hidden from them they only see
the near normal me walking in the street with his wife .
but inside i cry as the emotions escape me and remain out of my crasp ,
all i have, scattered and confused, love , happiness ,fear anger, all loose and
out of control .calmly stood in the super market shopping for food ,
My mind telling me to run ,cry , but i must remain calm ,and of the many masks i must
wear to get through another day,today i will wear the loving husband mask ,
and of course i do love my wife deeply .
but if the demon of deppression would have its way i would only have the mask of sorrow
So in this hidden world i have many disquises ,only to protect those who love me ,
and those who i love dearly .As weak as this vicious dark predator makes me i will never
allow its shadow to touch my family .
Ive been down here for weeks now and im hurting ,ive prayed for something to help me pick up my life
but nothing happens ill just keep grasping for the peices of my broken mind,there only just out of reach
but i just cant touch them ,
Ill rest a while now ,the long summer days are here now ,and its hard keeping up appearences during these long
days ,maybe when the winter comes again and i can find quiet comfort in the short cold dark days
What have i become. XN728

[xken728]

20 odd days now ,since i crawled my way in here and wrote this thread ,the ups and downs are hard to take ,the sunny days weve had here have been warm ,but when i open my eyes in the mornings i see only darkness and fear ,my wonderful Fran loves the sun ,and even at this early stage of the summer she is so tanned ,the only tan i have is the shadow cast by the deppression i carry everyday at my side telling me ,things that are lies ,but i still believe them ,you know the power it holds as you read these words ,you must i know you must feel the same or simalar fears too,We all have our demons ,they hide in our minds and they take away feelings we have so that we cant enjoy our lives ,i have so much ,and i know it ,but no matter how hard i try ,i cannot find a reason why my life is so full of negative thoughts ,reactions and fears ,
And here right now ,im thinking how can i find the strength to wake in the morning and complete another day ,Oh i will do it of course not for me ,but for my family and here at the same time tommorrow i,ll be sat thinking the same thing again .
Oh please the force that is life ,let me rest of this i beg of you ,i must have paid by now XN728

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))))

I wish I had the words, all I can do is send a hug your way.

Warmie

[xken728]

Its ok Warmie ,there are no words nothing can touch me now ,
Today the darkness washes over me worse than ever before and hiding it is very hard ,poor Fran i can see the pain in her eyes she knows theres nothing she can do to help me ,and i know that must be very painful for her ,i wonder if she understands that i shut myself down ,and become withdrawn to try and protect her .Im tired its dark outside ,9.10 pm ,here
Fran will come to bed soon and watch a little tv ,around ten she,ll fall asleep .i will listen to some music and try to stay awake ,but eventually i will drop off to sleep .
It will come then ,i will awake to see it in the doorway ,then in an instant it will be gone ,i will feel its cold sharp talons tear at the skin on my legs as it drags me from the bed ,i will call fran and try to hold on to her ,but
she will not stir or hear me ,because this is another world were she must never belong ,out into the empty cold darkness it will carry me ,to were the demon and its cohorts will torture me another night ,till i can force my eyes open again , A never ending circle and all i do each day is look for a way to break that circle for to many years ive looked for answers ,how many times have i sat and tryed to find a reason for this pain ,and you know what i just go round in circles ,,ironic ! so dont worry my good freind about finding words ,im beyond them now .having said this you may wonder my freinds why i bother to write these things here ,we,ll it helps me to get these things out ,to put them in print and leave them here .your kind words are always welcome but i know i cant be helped here ,you know when i first came here i would be replying to most users i became so concerned for everyone else i made myself poorly ,i dont read others posts now ,i cant take on any one els,e pain ,i think i did my fair share here for a year or so ,and i have many good freinds ,so if it appears im being selfish here im sorry but i must look after myself .you may see my suffering here but i cannot allow myself to share anybody else,s .
I do care of course ,but as you may have gathered im fighting for my sanity here . Ken ,,,,XN728 best wishes Ken and Fran

[crystalgaze]

I have been falling to pieces as well.... The ups & downs have been surprising. Just been trying to be strong for myself...

One of the latest things that happens to me now is that I jump out of my sleep.... It's a tad stressful. Before suddenly waking up, whatever it is I'm thinking of in my sleep is very vivid.....

Normally, I would not be concerned about jumping out of my sleep, but my pulse ends up shooting through the roof....

Take very good care; just a thinking of you.... I hope you recover.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( crystalgaze and ken ))))))))))))))))))

Best wishes and hugs to both of you.

Warmie

[xken728]

Hi there my dear freinds thanks for your kind words ,ive been a little better over the last few days ,dont like saying this but ,what the hell im always frightened i might but a hex on myself and feel crap again ,
im not one for reading things about deppression ,and as you know ive tryed just about all treatments ,but i found a site ,that i found interesting its about self help ,ive been reading about changing thinking patterns and trying it out ,and it does seem to help ,so fingers crossed ,its all about me
and will power i suppose ,i,ll let you know how it goes ,OK i have got some funding to see a private therapist ,had to jump thru hoops but got it in the end ,it will be a few weeks before it starts so i,ll keep you posted ,
ah we,ll hope everyone is well ,take care for now ,
Best wishes Ken and Fran , Goodnight all

[xken728]

ive been feeling ok for a few days now ,i dont fear the next day coming anymore ,if i feel crap i just take it on the chin and get on with it ,im trying to enjoy the good things i have ,myself and Fran both have bad days and support each other ,it may sound bad but when she,s quite ill and my time is taken up looking after her ,i dont have time to be depressed (Sorry Fran )i suppose it was like that when we were younger and the kids were born ,all those years bringing them up and the door was closed on depression ,and now i cant work full time and the girls are grown up it creeps back in ,Fran understands more about how i feel and it does help to know she knows,i was keeping a diary about how i felt ,but it didnt do me any good ,i find putting it here helps ,even if no one comments i know it will be read ,and it does make a differance ,
ok thanks for looking goodnight ken And Fran

[xken728]

you know i believe the same force of life that ran me off the rails when i was young ,and the same force that gave Fran her trauma as a child ,and she did suffer badly at the hands of others ,and now she has her panic and anxiety ,and copd ,so much badness in two seperate lives when so young ,but we were brought together by another force ,the opposite of bad ,something so good i can look at her and cry ,i feel joy when i hold her ,she is all my good ,and the only bad is in me ,just loud and vivid memories that try to break me down ,but im on top just now and i can see so far ahead there are no dark clouds ,so i.ll just stay here a while and enjoy the veiw ,a wonderful life i can see once again ,I love you Fran and tommorrow we shall have a good day ,,love Boo x
goodnight my dear freinds best wishes Ken and fran

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken and Fran,

Remember the days, the memories, the good and bad. But you do it together. You gave of yourself to each other, no hidden reason, no promises that you couldn't or least tried to best to carry out.

Good to see this honesty in another.

(((((((((((((((( Ken and Fran )))))))))))))

Warmie

[xken728]

Thankyou Warmie ,
you know Frans always happy even when shes not well.she knows its puts me under a strain ,but she also knows ,i will do everything to make her as comfortable as possible ,my illness effects her even though she never really says anything about ,she knows i must deal with it in my own way ,while im good as i still am now she has that little extra sparkle ,
i wish i could stay well forever ,and she would never lose that sparkle .
but the shadow is always close by ,but im working on that ,maybe one day i,ll leave it behind and feel happy forever ,fingers crossed the private therapy will work ,when it starts ,thanks for your comments Warmie ,
enjoy the rest of your day ,,goodnight Ken and Fran

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((( Ken and Fran )))))))))))

All the best with the therapy, having Fran standing strong beside you has to help.

Get the sleep you need. Take care.

Warmie

[xken728]

Its only fair to mention here that Fran has been quite well since she had her new tablets ,they help her to breathe ,a preventative of sorts ,her only upset now is the great strain im putting her under ,
Im increasingly having feelings of being on the edge of insanity ,its frightening and i dont know how to cope with it ,ive been given a crisis number ,but i feel there must be those who need it more than i .Its Frans birthday tommorrow ,i pray the forces that steer my life allow me at least a day for her tommorrow...Please
youve been very kind in your concern over Frans illness and its a comfort to know there are people who understand out there ,my not feeling comfortable here is no fault of anyone here you have all been very supportive ,I just have not felt the same since returning from my seven
or so mounths of absence from here ,Best wishes ,xn728 ,xken728,,ken and Fran

[Ahorse]

Hi Xken,

You sound like you are truly in the depths. Nasty place to be, I've spent time there and found it terrifying but seemingly endless.

I think you said nothing can touch you. In the end mate, only you can do that. It's your mind, your thoughts and your life experiences that have created this nightmare for you.

I note you mention a self help site where changing your thoughts is the topic. That's called cognitive behaviour therapy mate and it is most definitely a solution for us.

It sounds excellent when you are in a course or doing one to one with a psych and it seems easy. But once I walked out the door of those sessions I was alone, with only me to count on and I could not practice it. I hated it because it made me feel like a failure, thus worse. But after some time I found myself starting to use it. The teaching had stuck and I had absorbed it, thank God.

This is going to sound dumb to many but it was only then that I realised I had control of what I thought. Truly. Yes, I worked a whole career and somehow tuned into that but outside work I could not do it. Discovering I could just change those thoughts at a whim was staggering to me as I had always thought thoughts controlled me, if you like. Not in any overt way, I just assumed thoughts did the work and I reacted. And that's what I did and why I was so depressed for so long.

A word of caution with CBT and self learning. If you are deeply depressed it cannot work as your negative thoughts are too strong. In my case I needed meds for quite a time before my mood lifted enough to allow me to use CBT. Now I can do it I no longer have bad times as I used to. A depressive thought may last a few minutes, maybe an hour but then it's gone.

Almost normal really.

And doing it by yourself is damned hard. It sounds easy on paper but it sure helps to have a psych walk you through it over a number of weeks, giving you things to practice etc. Yes, homework.

SO, mate, it really is a matter of how hard you want to work, how disciplined you can be and how determined you are to recover. If you can't be honest with your medical advisers then it's no go as you would be lying to yourself. You must be able to dig it out, whatever it is and say it. Sometimes we don't know and never do, that happens. But going through the process allows you to accept that and look forward instead of back all the time.

Apart from having an excellent shrink the secret to me becoming stable and maintaining that is to only think about today. Forget yesterday, the past and forget the futre, that will arrive anyway. I'm on meds too by the way, long term.

Sure there are some things we need to plan ahead but make them "normal" things only, like where are we having Xmas and do we need to book flights or not. Don't think about the actual day though as it's a bad time for many.

The past is always in your memory but as you improve it moves to the back of your mind and rarely comes up unless you choose it. SOmetimes triggers will cause it to jump back but you can simply put it back once you have conytol of your mind.

Good luck mate, it ain't easy but if I can do it you certainly can.

[xken728]

Ahorse ,i will thank you for your comments ,at least you treid ,but you should have read a little more about me before leaving your comment ,or i must say it sounded a little like a sermon really .
Its up to you if you read any further ,im nearly 53 now ,have suffered from severe deppression for over 40 years ,have post traumatic stress disorder too,ive had cbt didnt work ,,ive seen a phycologist ,ive been under a phychartrist for 20 years ,ive been on a cmp course ,and ive just had 160 quids worth of private therepy including hypno ,not working ,all my life ive looked for the answer to help me out of this hell hole ,daily even though i suffer i search inside my soul for what it is i need to feel happy ,so please dont waste anymore words here ,there are many users here would benifit better from your kind words ,
You know im really glad your feeling good ,and i hope you continue to do so , just listen quietly just for a few seconds .Did you hear me screeming
I,ll return to the darkness now ,theres no pain there ,oh i almost forgot ,,,
Im not your Mate You may all hate me soon ,its ok i cant feel it !!!!!!!!
xn728