Fear... the most evil, powerful, persuasive, manipulative feeling there is.
I am afraid.... Afraid of everything it seems. All my friend’s believe I am this independent, strong, intelligent, hard-core woman - They have no clue that FEAR rules my life. FEAR consumes my thoughts and imagination. FEAR controls my actions and reaction. FEAR inhibits me living the life I want. FEAR manipulates me to believe things that later I realize were untrue. I hate it. Yes I have gone to therapy, and most of my fears subside. Or maybe I should say creep into the dark corners of my inner being, where I am able to believe during that time I am “doing better”; emotionally stronger, fighting the “depression”…. but FEAR always rears it ugly head after a while (usually about 4-6 month after I stop going to therapy). The more I believe I am doing better; facing my fears…. the more FEAR consumes me, trips me up and starts manipulating my mind, feelings and choices.
After all my responsibility are done for the day – kids, school, homework, dinner, etc. etc. All I do is hide in room; only my children and boyfriend are allowed (or I should say I am comfortable) to see me – everyone else I avoid like the plague. I feel safe in my room and around my children.
I don’t want to be in therapy for the rest of my life. I want to take the skills I have supposedly learned and live a “normal” life
…Not afraid of my family (I’m 37 and yes I am still afraid of my family and what the think and expect from me.. like I was 12)
…Not kill (overwork/burnout) myself physically and mentally to please my boss and co-workers
…Not feel obligated to help ALL my friends, when I know deep inside only a handful of my friends truly care for me and would help me back.
Fear dictates these emotions of I can’t let anyone down. Ironically I am letting everyone down _ INLCLUDING MYSELF.
It all sounds stupid I know, its sounds pathetic. But even now while tears roll down my cheeks – I can feel the FEAR run through my blood, crawling under my skin and chocking my throat. This internal, gut wrenching, uncomfortable, piercing silent scream resonating through my body.
Anyways I know what one of my problems is....FEAR. I know going back to therapy will help. I know I need to "WORK" the steps in order to have this normal life I so desperately want. I know I need not care so much if my family doesn't approve of me. You know what is even more pathetic…. I really have nothing my family can truly disapprove. I am college educated, work full time, have an amazing job; my children are well-mannered, funny, intelligent, creative, and talented. I pay for my own things - I give them money – for rent, grocery, household bills, take care of the house, yard work, help my grandparents, run errands for them, wash my mom’s dogs, etc. etc. etc.. I am not a bad person; I am not in trouble with the law, or have a drug or alcohol addiction. I don’t party and leave my kids with them. uGGGG !!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have some issues, I am far from perfect– I have crazy ex-husband, I am awful with saving money, I am EMOTIONAL and Moody and lots, lots more!!!
Anyways now I am venting. Ultimately FEAR is slowly killing me and I need to make things right with my life. I need to fine some happiness and damn serenity. I have to have faith I will have it again. But I am just so afraid.
FEAR.......
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
Me SOOOO Too! Triggering?
Well, for whatever help it may be (((( BeautifulDisatr )))), I feel very much the same as you do. It feels like fear is something I have to watch and constantly be wary of, so as to keep it at bay, to stop it from totally overwhelming me as it came all-too-close to doing before.
I'm going through a particularly depressed and scared time at the moment, and I can feel my fear of being overwhelmed by my job, some cash-flow worries this month, ( Having just paid a utilities bill about the size of the GDP of Peru!
), my lack of confidence in myself or my future, and what feels like a whole series of what are probably actually minor problems, but are feeling at the moment more like a tangled, unsolvable mess that is getting soooo on top of me . ( EG. I had, what was actually a fairly minor disagreement with my landlord on Saturday. And, I just felt this immense fear that I just couldn't deal with one more thing to be afraid of, to worry about. He was telling me what I: " had to do ", and I felt so lost and afraid that I almost shouted at him: " I'm suicidal, I don't HAVE to do anything! " But, I managed to be rather more diplomatic in the end! )
So, I know what you mean about fear, and the darkness and desperation of the thoughts that it can bring.
I've rather been avoiding my friends recently, because I'm afraid of my own darkness, desperation, fear and suicidal thoughts affecting them. So, I can identify with how you feel about wanting to back away from people.
However, I believe that fear is a bully, and like all bullies, it is itself afraid. Fear is looking to pick on us, but it doesn't want an actual fight. So, (((( BeautifulDisatr )))), let's you and me give fear a fight, kick it in the butt, steal it's lunch-money and send it crying home to it's mama!!!!
( It'll be back, of course, but we'll be stronger then ourselves...)
Or think of it this way. We talk about our fear. And, that's true. Our fear is just a PART of us, and being a part of us, it couldn't exist without us. We can exist without fear, but fear can't exist without us. We, as individuals are what is important. Fear is just a gate-crasher, causing a disturbance in the lobby of the important events of our lives, until it's kicked out by Security!
I'm going through a particularly depressed and scared time at the moment, and I can feel my fear of being overwhelmed by my job, some cash-flow worries this month, ( Having just paid a utilities bill about the size of the GDP of Peru!
), my lack of confidence in myself or my future, and what feels like a whole series of what are probably actually minor problems, but are feeling at the moment more like a tangled, unsolvable mess that is getting soooo on top of me . ( EG. I had, what was actually a fairly minor disagreement with my landlord on Saturday. And, I just felt this immense fear that I just couldn't deal with one more thing to be afraid of, to worry about. He was telling me what I: " had to do ", and I felt so lost and afraid that I almost shouted at him: " I'm suicidal, I don't HAVE to do anything! " But, I managed to be rather more diplomatic in the end! )
So, I know what you mean about fear, and the darkness and desperation of the thoughts that it can bring.
I've rather been avoiding my friends recently, because I'm afraid of my own darkness, desperation, fear and suicidal thoughts affecting them. So, I can identify with how you feel about wanting to back away from people.
However, I believe that fear is a bully, and like all bullies, it is itself afraid. Fear is looking to pick on us, but it doesn't want an actual fight. So, (((( BeautifulDisatr )))), let's you and me give fear a fight, kick it in the butt, steal it's lunch-money and send it crying home to it's mama!!!!
( It'll be back, of course, but we'll be stronger then ourselves...)
Or think of it this way. We talk about our fear. And, that's true. Our fear is just a PART of us, and being a part of us, it couldn't exist without us. We can exist without fear, but fear can't exist without us. We, as individuals are what is important. Fear is just a gate-crasher, causing a disturbance in the lobby of the important events of our lives, until it's kicked out by Security!
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Ahorse
Hey Tracking.
Fear is ever present in everyone with depression. It's also called anxiety and panic disorders.
I would suggest you need a thorough diagnosis from a shrink. SO you get real professional advice as to what it is you are dealing with.
Therapy can help but it you don't know what is really wrong then it's a waste of time. All the skills in the world won't stop an illness from dominating.
I don't know what you have done to date but clearly a lot of therapy. If you haven't seen a shrink I would liken what you are doing to having a broken leg and choosing a therapist over a doctor who can fix it. Theraipists obviosly can't talk you out of a broken leg. right? A silly example but it makes clear what I mean.
With and mental problems, which you are talking about, the normal process is to have a thorough physical first. Blood tests, X rays and anything else the doc reckons. Once you have done that the doc should be able to eliminate a whole host of causes etc or may find a solution through lacking chemicals or similar. Don't rely on that solution though, hope.
Once you have those results get referred to a shrink and take it from there.
I believe that most of us need all three involved to help us get back to where we want. The GP becomes less important after the initial period but is needed to get rolling properly.
Please don't accept this horror show as your life. Do whatever you can and don't avoid anything to recover. You family needs you but not as much as you need yourself to be well.
Much luck.
Fear is ever present in everyone with depression. It's also called anxiety and panic disorders.
I would suggest you need a thorough diagnosis from a shrink. SO you get real professional advice as to what it is you are dealing with.
Therapy can help but it you don't know what is really wrong then it's a waste of time. All the skills in the world won't stop an illness from dominating.
I don't know what you have done to date but clearly a lot of therapy. If you haven't seen a shrink I would liken what you are doing to having a broken leg and choosing a therapist over a doctor who can fix it. Theraipists obviosly can't talk you out of a broken leg. right? A silly example but it makes clear what I mean.
With and mental problems, which you are talking about, the normal process is to have a thorough physical first. Blood tests, X rays and anything else the doc reckons. Once you have done that the doc should be able to eliminate a whole host of causes etc or may find a solution through lacking chemicals or similar. Don't rely on that solution though, hope.
Once you have those results get referred to a shrink and take it from there.
I believe that most of us need all three involved to help us get back to where we want. The GP becomes less important after the initial period but is needed to get rolling properly.
Please don't accept this horror show as your life. Do whatever you can and don't avoid anything to recover. You family needs you but not as much as you need yourself to be well.
Much luck.
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