All that is left from my bizarre life.

[spinsugar20]

I dont even know where to begin. I think I just need to get a lot of things off of my chest. I talk with my family and it just seems like they are to close to me to understand. I do not feel like people understand me. I constantly feel like I am trapped inside of my body. I am just doing the motions of life. I do not understand life at all. I get confused at what I am suppose to be doing. Everything just seems pointless.

My biological parents, as I was adopted, were probaly the beginning of why I feel so alone all of the time. My mother was in and out of mental institutions throughtout my latent years. My dad was never around. We were broke and always living off of the system. I remember burning trash in the living room to keep warm. My father was neglectful and always calling me names. They ignored me. My mother was an alcoholic. I do not remember ever seeing her sober. My father staged his own murder when I was 9 years old. My mother fell deeper into her insanity. She started drinking hard core. There was never any food in the house. She be-friended a woman and they became lovers. Sandee was my world. She came in and got things together for us. We had structure. Soon after Sandee came into our lives her father died. He was struck by a drunk driver. Sandee lost control after that. My mother and her started drinking together. Sandee would beat her self up. She would hit her head on the wall that it would knock her out. They would fight all of the time and my sister and I had to come in be-tween so many fights. There were some train tracks about 200 feet from our apartments. One morning Sandee and my mother got into a fight and I punched Sandee in her face because she tried to hit my sister. An hour later I heard the train tracks coming to a complete hault. Sandee had layed down on those tracks and killed herself. I remember knowing what happened. I ran out towards the tracks and was stopped by a police officer. I was screaming. My mother lost it. Actually we all did. It was way to much for me to comprehend at 12. We started moving around into hotels. My mother was bringing home strange people all of the time from bars. We ate out of dumpsters, we lived in the salvation army, my mother blamed the death on me when she was drinking. I ran away. I ran away at the age of 12. I hitchhiked across the state. My sister started having kids at 15. She refused to let me come live with her. I was picked up and was living with a prostitute. I was kidnapped by gunpoint by my grandparents. When I was there they would torture me. Do not even want to get into that. I eventually got away. Well, i ran away again. I was pretty good at that.

There is to much to tell. Now I know that I am a closed book. I let no one into my life. I am always so alone. I want so bad to be in a healthy relationship but how can I when I am not healthy? I think I push people away because I am so afraid of be abandoned or hurt again that I choose people who I know will leve that way it wont hurt as much when they do go. I started drinking when I was young. My mother bought me my first beer when i was 13 for my birthday. I drink to oblivion. I drink so much I hurt myself. No one believes me because I put on a pretty good mask. I sleep all of the time. I cry a lot. I am 27 and have never been in a long term relationship with anyone. I push everyone away. I cry some more. I dont know what to do with myself. When I am alone I get so frustrated over little things and scream and hit whatever it is that I am angry with. I still hide that from everyone. I have anxiety attacks now. I think I am getting worst. So So lost.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( spinsugar )))))))))))))))

What a life you have had. Do you see a doctor? Perhaps, if you haven't, then please do. If you do print out this post of yours and give it to that doctor?

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Warmie

[spinsugar20]

Ha ha...Well, I didnt think I would get that response...ma'am see a psychiatrist. Well, I guess maybe I should. It would help to be able to talk to someone. I appreciate your advice and hope that you do keep me in your heart as I will your. I wonder...do you have a post?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( spsrinsugar )))))))))))))))

Of course you will remain there in my heart, safe. Talking to someone with training is a good way to go. Who knows, maybe you find the answers or meds. Fingers crossed. You can send me messages here if you want.

Warmie

[Val]

I'm here too

[JudeB]

Hang in there spinsugar.
And yeah, some psychiatrists are pretty cool. (and helpful)

[jer]

Spinsugar,

that is an awfully sad story.
I just joined this website and was going thru the stories. this was real sad.
I guess some of us are destined to live life like this.
I pray to God all the time, but I am angry with God for letting some of us suffer.

I live in west texas. I hope one day I will be able to tell my story too.

take care
Jer

[JudeB]

I'm here too. I check my email most everyday and I get an email when someone posts here.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((((( JudeB )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending a warm and loving hug your way. So good to hear from you!

Jeanie

[JudeB]

Thanks, Jeannie. I sure appreciate that hug. Having a pity party today. But, my depression IS better than it was a few years ago, so I have some faith that I will kick the party soon.

Big hug back to you.....and also one to Val, and Spinsugar and the rest of you too!

[Aurelia5]

Hi Spinsugar~

Your letter was extraordinary. You said you're 27. What is the current situation? Where do you live? Alone? What became of the four parents and the grandparents? Do you work? Do you have a drug problem?

I'm not being nosy, I'm looking for things that explain the gaps in your story. There is no mention of your adoptive parents, yet you say you are too close to your family for them to know how you feel. Why didn't your sister want you living with her? Is she close to you now?

You zipped past a couple of events that would normally have a lot more explanation. A father that was never there, yet is there in the biggest sense of the word - by staging his own murder, seems pretty important to me. If I was 9 and something like that happened, I'd be devastated and wouldn't be able to stop talking about it. How did he manage to pull it off, or did he get caught right away?

And Sandee. Goes from being this major source of order and strength, to being a complete ruin and lays down on the tracks to commit suicide by train. How long was that relationship, from the time your mom met her until she killed herself? I'm trying to get some sense of time here.

Your terribly lonely, but you won't let anyone near you. I can sure understand that. Don't want to get burned again. But you really want someone.

Your description of your behavior while getting drunk sounds exactly like mine did before I got the right antidepressant. Jeanie is absolutely right - you need to get to a psychiatrist FAST! Don't bother with a counsellor at this point. You need serious help NOW.

Give us a little more background and it will help us pull you out of your mess. We're here to help. Don't push us away - we will be here for you.

Hope your days start getting happier. We'll help you.

a5