Just getting worse...

[swansoc]

I am new to the board and suffer from chronic major depression. I am 35 year old married female and mother to four boys (ages 16, 10, 7 and 7). I feel guilty for how my condition is impacting my family. My husband and kids don't understand. My husband thinks I just need to "buck up" and just force myself to do one thing at a time. I look at what needs done and feel completely hopeless and powerless to make a change. the smallest of tasks seem unbearingly difficult. I sleep non-stop on the weekends...Somehow (although I don't know why) I am able to pull enough out of me to survive my workday and even excel in my fast pace and very demanding career. At work I feel like I can move the moon but at home I can't even think...all I want to do is crawl into a ball and sleep or cry....I have tried therapy and meds before but (my own fault) I never stick to them and don't notice any improvement. I am sure I am not Bi=polar because I don't get "highs" persay; some days or even weeks are easier than others...My husband doesn't want me to continue to "waste" money on Drs and Therapists when it hasn't helped in the past but I feel myself wasting away to nothing and leaving a horrible wake in my path as I destroy my family's morale and deglect the things that should be important to me. I love my kids and hate myself for putting them through this; but at the same time wish I was alone in my misery. All my thoughts consist of "what if's..." What if I was single, what if I lived somewhere else, what if I never had kids... My whole body hurts all the time and I am exhausted. My husband thinks I am just lazy. What if he is right? My own mother blows me off when I try to explain my feelings (she thinks I am being over dramatic). No one I know understands how i feel or what i am going through and thinks i am blowing things out of proportion. I have no friends and no interests. I need someone to tell me I am not alone-Please!

[Obayan]

You are not alone. You hear me? You are not alone. Therapy is a tool. Just like meds and meditation and journaling and all the other myriad of tools out there for us to use. It won't solve the problem for us, but it will give us even more tools we can use. One thing I do, is make a list. I list out everything. Then I pick one thing off the list. Usually the easiest one and do it. If I don't succeed, I don't give up. I just keep on concentrating on that one thing until it's done. Then I put this big red line thru it. Eventually, you will start to see more red lines than anything else on that list. And that, is when I feel good. Like there is something I can control. I control what it is I choose off that list. I control what goes on the list. I control. Key words. I control. I hope this helps.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi swansoc,

Hope you find this site helpful, it has been to many. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

If you didn't know, there is a chat room connected with this site. Give it a try perhaps?

Warmie