Desperate

[visionsofjohanna]

I had depression all the way through uni.

Then when I got better, just before graduation, I found myself unemployed for over a year, having to take money off my parents, who are very poor, to stay where I wanted to be in London, where the jobs are and my boyfriend of four years is. I felt really selfish doing this and I hated myself for it.

I got a job but now my boss is basically saying that I have to be gone by June and in the meantime I could be asked to leave with six weeks notice if he finds the perfect candidate to replace me before then.

I feel like every time I get better something awful happens to me and I just get ill again. I don't think I can cope with going to the job centre again. They are awful and rude and treat you like dirt and the benefits system is horrible - the last time I was on benefits they made a mistake (honestly, I did nothing wrong) and I was without any income for nearly two months.

Plus my bank balance won't stand being on benefits again without help from my mum, who is losing her job probably.

I feel uncertain that I will even find a job before June even with starting to look now, and there is no way I will find one given six weeks notice. I started applying for jobs in March 2009 and didn't get one until April 2010.

So basically I am pretty certain that even if things do get better they will get shit again. That they won't get better for a long time. That I will lose my boyfriend because when I am depressed I am mean and bad temperered and not worth loving.

People keep saying look at the positives. But there aren't any really. Okay I have a boyfriend, but I am making him sad. Okay, my mum and dad want to help me. But they are in no position to do so and I know for a fact taking money off them will be making things ten times harder for them.

If life is like this when you are an adult I don't want anything to do with it.

[visionsofjohanna]

Basically I cannot see anything in my life that is worth living for. And I am beginning to think that this isn't just depression but just fact. Blah blah blah there are people in Africa worse off I know. But my life is just awful.

If I have to move back in with my parents I will never see my boyfriend. I have no friends in my hometown as I was very badly bullied there. There are no jobs there apart from in cafes, and even those are scarce. Nowhere would pay me enough to save up about £2000 which is what I estimate to move to london without a job.

If I leave here I will never come back and end up pissing my supermarket wages away until I die. (there is nothing wrong with working in a supermarket? yeah right. How fulfilling).


I have been looking for a way out of this situation for about a week. And I've tried to be positive. And I've not found one. So you know what? Maybe there isn't one.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi visionsofjohanna,

Welcome to the forums, there are many people here that are supportive, so please keep posting.

There is a chat-room connected with this site. Many chatters in there, from all of the world. Several from England, that I do know. Sometimes talking with someone from your own area helps. Might consider giving the room a try, if you are comfortable doing that.

Hope to see you posting again.

Warmie

[shakirah]

Depression is one of the most difficult thing that will happen to a person because it progress in some ways.

Some depression is healthy but some of it can cause abnormality to the person.