My Story

[ongoingstrugle]

Not entirly sure were to start. Iv never done something like this before. I find it really diffucult to fully open up to people and tell them how im really feeling. I try talking to my friends, and whilst they do help me alot their are things i just cant say to them. Im scared of how they will react if they fully knew what i thought, and i guess i kind of feal ashamed for the way i feal because its not like my quality of life is bad, which makes me feal guilty for not being happy. I think i will find it easier talking to people i cant see so thank you

I first admitted to someone I thought I had depression this time last year. It was my first year of uni and one of my best friends has depression, and he one day mentioned that he thought i had it. We talked and i decided to go to the doctor. I got diagnosed with depression and given fuloxotine to take, i also tried counceling. I did not liek councling, i thought i would be given advice on what to do by a councellor but i didnt, they jsut wanted me to talk, which was ok at first, but i want help! I could only afford to take the pills for a few months, and after coming off them and just plummeting back down into a pit of hopelessness i dont want to go back on them for the false happiness they give. I want to be honestly happy but i dont know how any more.

Im scared if i keep going on the way i do im going to push away all the people i car about. I keep f****** up my life, by spending money on drink to get out my head for night. I keep running from my problems, but its not working for me any more. Everything is jsut pileing up and getting worse.

Iv got myself into debt, i owe 1333 to my last accomadtion from last year and I owe my current accomadtion 745 ontop of the 700 i have already paid. I started uni doing maths last year but really hated it and never went causing me to fail so changed course to edcation and disabiltiy studies and im struggling to get the motivation to go in to that every lecture whihc is worrying me. I finally managed to get my first proper job before chirstmas this year at ASDA but they messed me about and i only got 3 shifts and now the christmas temps have stopped so im back without a job. I need money to help me get out of the situation im in. Im so skint my m8s cook for me and buy me cigs (i smoke) if i havnt got the money for it which does happen every now and then. I hate that i have got into a situation where i rely on other people for the most basic of things, and i feal awful that i do, im terified eventually they will have enough of me and leave me and i will be alone. I feal like i majorly take my parents for granted aswell, which iv only just started to realise. On top of everything my two best firends which i live with were going out, which was a mjor issue for me as i hated when they were, but now they have broken up and both want to spend time with me, but im finding it really diffucult to fairly spread my time between them. Ill spend time with one and the other gets angry so i spend time with the angry one and the other gets angry. I dont know what to do, i already dont have any time to myself, but i think i like that, i hate being alone because i think about all the crap in my ife to much.

I feal so hopeless that angry at myself. I dont deserve the firends and family i have. Im not worth their love and help.

So yer this is the begining of my story. I hope to meet some people who have been through this and can give me advice on how to help myself, because i just dont know what to do anymore.

Sorry if this is spelt and structured poorly, i jsut poured out what came into my head

[Jo-ann]

I have been on medications and they really can help. I look at it as an imbalance in the body and sometimes you just need a little kick start in fixing it. I would go see a doctor, there are plenty of free clinics, and see what they say (if they write you a rx ask them for generic, it's MUCH less expensive). Just think if you focused on quiting smoking you would have the funds for medication... two steps to becoming healthy

I wish you the best, I know how exhausting it is...

[katyn83]

hi. please will you go to the doctor and get some more help you do need it, couselling is not for everyone so dont worry about that.

im not a dr but did you just stop taking the meds?

running away from your problems as you know does not help, its scary but face them head on. have you thought that maybe uni just aint for you, i know your probably thinking you've failed but you haven't. talk to your mum and dad no matter how hard it is you need to let them know what is going on, they can help. tell your friends to sort it out you cant be in two places at once and they're gonna have to get used to sharing you.

dont give up, things do get better, it wont seem like it now but it will.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

katy