I don't want to wake up!

[paul123]

Every night before I fall asleep, (which takes hours, cause my mind is racing with all the thoughts of the day) I hope that I do not wake up.

You see I am haunted by people who asked for help and never got it. And the feeling to die is stronger, than the feeling to live.

For Christmas I asked Santa to bring me Brain cancer, cause I tried suicide already by pills 3 times and someone always found me, and got me to the hospital.

I can not shoot myself in the head as the image that my wife sees might haunt her forever, and that would bother me knowing that not only did I leave her, but I left a real mess for her to clean up. She isn't the issue, so she shouldn't suffer more than just the trauma of the suicide.

Please let me close my eyes tonight and never to wake from the sleep again.

[crystalgaze]

I'm not sure if I want to wake up either, but since I arise from slumber, I work with it.

When it is time for my life to end, I am hoping for something peaceful. That is all I would want.

Take care, okay?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

paul123, I hope you are getting some professional help for your thoughts and feelings.

We here, can only offer you support to best of our ability, but answers we don't have. We all do our best or the best we can with each day.

Warmsoul

[Mysticalflame]

It's always like this isn't it? Whenever we have suicidal thoughts, we worried about what happens to our living loved ones whom we have left behind.

However, this is what sustained me. These thoughts stopped me from actually committing suicide. I couldn't bear to hurt the ones who loved me. I'd imagined what it would be like in my funeral and I would "hear" all their regrets and cryings. And this hurts me more than what's going on in my life. And I just couldn't up and kill myself.

These thoughts, depressing as they were, had kept me alive for 4 years. Life still suck, but I'm still alive and I had experienced some stuff which I'm glad of.

Take care! (: