Want Answers...***Trigger***

[Crista5387]

Ok...why do I do this? Why keep going? I can tell you the classic answer that I believe one day it will get better, and I'll feel happy. I can't even say again here because I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since before I can remember(literally, from childhood abuse). I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I function through my life with school, work, volunteering(ironically for mental health awareness) and friends when I manage to talk to them. But I feel worse all the time, and any time that I start to feel some joy it disappears again. Saying this makes me feel incredably weak, and like i'm searching for pity but I'm not. My volunteering is to talk to kids about mental health issues and about how it gets better and there is hope you just have to keep going. But inside I dont believe it for myself. I hurt all the time, and I hate that I'm admitting this but I have to keep talking myself out of suicide. I'm not going to do it because I would be the worlds largest hypocrit, and it scares me so don't worry. But I can't get my mind away from these thoughts, and the resounding voice that I'm a huge failure in trying to beat this.

I've been in counceling, and therapy and different psychologists for different things at different times since I was 16. I take meds that are ok with my heart, and I actively work on being ok. Healthy eating and exercise, counceling, positive self talk, things that bring me joy. I am honestly giving my all here and just keep slipping backwards. I don't know what to do anymore. And I know its keep goin, one foot in front of the other adn wait for it to get better...but what if it doesnt. I pray and I work for this, why can't I feel the change. I'm scared that one day I'll wake up on no longer care what other people think, or be scared of what would happen if I'm not here anymore. I dont liek to admit things like this, but I am not ok.

[Obayan]

Crista, i constantly hear my own mind telling me how useless and worthless i am and how suicide is one of the few options i have. But i know this is a lie. It's a huge lie that the depression is feeding me so it can grow even bigger and stronger. Here is some truth that helps me to deal.... Nothing in life ever happens just once. That means that some good things will be coming your way. It may take a while, but it will happen. ... Everything always changes. Nothing ever stays the same. Even the little tiny changes that happen around us every day can build and elicit a response in our lives. This means that how you feel right now, it's temporary. I know these two statements to be truth. I've been where you are and some days, i visit that dark place again. But some days i'm ok. And i know you will be too if you just don't give up.

[crystalgaze]

What I will add is that:

There is still breath (life) in you, so it's not over yet. You can't be a failure because it's ain't over yet. Even if it were over, the fact that you attempted makes you NOT a failure. Nothing beats a failure but a try--in whatever form/shape it comes.

Nice to see you again Crista!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Crista))))))))))))))

As long as there is a thread of hope, there is no failure. Hope and faith in yourself, in things will win out, may take awhile but it will happen.

Listen to all Obayan and Crystal had to say, see that we care.

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( Crista5387 )))), I would urge you to please take onboard (((( Obayan's, crystagaze's and Warmsoul's )))) advice. It's advice that I keep telling myself, and I've found it very much of value. Please be particularly mindful of the insidious nature of depression. As (((( Obayan )))) says, depression very often lies.
Please take care of yourself!

[Crista5387]

Thank you all, it does help to hear from people who understand where I'm coming from. I just hate the loneliness I feel even when I'm surrounded by friends. Its like I'm made of very thin hollow glass and I could shatter at any moment. My logical side(which is usually very strong but has abandoned me as of late) knows that as long as I keep moving I'll get through this. My emotions have taken over, and my depression is strong enough that I'm starting to believe it. Im not giving up yet, and I honestly hope I never do. Its the fact that I can't guarantee I won't that scares me. Its a new low for me and frankly I'm worried.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I can understand you being worried. I often have much the same feelings as you do, ( EG. Feeling lonely and isolated even when I'm among people, and feeling " overwhelmed " sometimes, as if I'm trying to " fight too many battles on too many fronts ", as if my emotional resources are sometimes in danger of being depleted faster than I can replenish them...), and those feelings worry me as well.
However reading your post made me aware, again, of the capacity of depression, and the strong negative feelings it evokes, to mislead us.
You state your " logical side " " is usually very strong but has abandoned me as of late. " However, reading the part of your post just after you state that your " logical side " " has abandoned me of late ", the thing that strikes me most is how clearly and concisely you understand and describe the cause of the feelings you're experiencing, the effect that they're having on you, and what you need to do next. I would submit that your " logical side " has not only not abandoned you, it is, in fact, not only in excellent working order, but is even now trying to guide you towards " greater safety ".
The problem I find is that when I feel that " my emotions have taken over ", it is VERY hard for me to " see past them ", to actually listen to what my " logical side " is trying to tell me. Or, to put it another way, my negative feelings, particularly my fears, can feel like afirst language, coming immediately, powerfully, and fluently. While the thoughts and feelings that help me to " weather the storm ", can feel very much like trying to translate something into a second language...( I hope that makes sense?! )
I, too worry about the fact that I can't guarantee that I won't give up, feeling that scared and low IS scary, and it is more than understandable that you're worried. However, please don't let this perfectly understandable, and genuinely-powerful POTENTIAL fear, distract you from the REAL and POWERFUL tool that you've already realised and articulated, and will hopefully, as I am, become more and more aware of. You stated it so clearly and concisely, so I commend your own words to you: " as long as I keep moving I'll get through this. " That is such a POWERFUL key in your hand. However real and powerful your negative feelings are, or may be in the future, please just keep doing the next right thing, taking the next step.
Like me this morning, I felt low and scared, and doubted my ability to cope with today. So, I concentrated on just taking the next right step:
Getting dressed,
'Bus to city centre 'bus stop,
'Bus to dentist,
Wait in waiting area,
Sit in dentist chair and let dentist work...
It didn't stop me from being depressed, but you know what, I got through it...And, heading towards the library I bumped into a couple of friends who I haven't seen in too long. So, depression notwithstanding I'm able to be taking care of business, and it's turning into a better day than I thought it might.
Anyway, just a few thoughts, I hope they help. Just remember that you are NOT alone. And to re-arrange the old saying, when it comes to managing depression, I keep reminding myself that " You alone can do it, but you DON't have to do it alone ".
Please take care of yourself.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Sorry if that last post ended up a bit long... I'm Welsh, we try to be brief, but it's not in our heritage...!

[Crista5387]

Thank you Tacking, that actually made a lot of sense to me. Its odd how I can say something to show how I' feeling and the exact words I use can be turned to a new angle and help me to feel a little comfort. So thank you for giving me a different perspective on what I'm working through right now. And you're right my logic hasn't disappeared, its fighting to help me only quieted by the yell of my emotions. I am goin to keep moving forward, but knowing that my depressions making me feel all these negative things, and thats ok. I don't have to get through every day with a smile on my face, I just have to get through each day. Its hard, and its going to keep being hard for a while. But I'm not alone