Doesn't Feel Like a Good Day

[DarthKobold]

So today, I did a lot of things to try and move my life forward.

I'm the VP of Student Government at my school, and we've been trying to coordinate more social and community events. I like to dive into those activities to distract myself from my depression. We're pretty autonomous, so sometimes it's pretty tedious and I finally managed to coordinate a fairly independent event involving all the clubs at my campus.

We got criticized a few weeks back for not doing enough as student gov, which I thought was bogus, but it came after a particularly bad weekly meeting. Since it's one of my stabilizing elements, it left me very disturbed. Everyone involved was depressed, but getting this event off the ground really seemed to revitalize everyone. Make them feel like we are able to make a difference.

I asked my crush to dinner during the event. She said yes, and all in all, first time I've asked someone out in years and not been nervous. Well, we've been good friends for a little while now, and honestly, it just seemed like it was about time.

And yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. It was a great day, and I managed to feel like I'm actually taking some steps to take responsibility in my own life. Wonder why I'm still feeling sad at two in the morning?

Ah well, y'know, thinking about it's not really gonna get me anywhere. I had a good day, and I should leave it at that, despite what my body is telling me to feel.

[crystalgaze]

If it's not good.... then at least it was okay? Even if it were just 'okay'? Okay is good, too, right?

Do you know when exactly you started to feel sad today? During the event? When you were going to bed? When you got up? When was it?

Hhmm..... Also, you did good! Good for you! (Pat yourself on the back & tell yourself 'I didn't figure it out today, but it's okay.' )

[DarthKobold]

I've just felt bad for the past few weeks. During the event, I started feeling better, but then the feeling just creeped back up to me when I came home and woke up after a short nap.

I've been feeling sad whenever I'm not doing anything lately, so I've tried to make myself do things, but I've also felt really lethargic. It's kinda a bad cycle. But yeah, I didn't figure it out today, but I'm getting there!

Thank you, crystalgaze!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

" I didn't figure it out today, but I'm getting there! " I agree with that very much, (((( DarthKobold & crystalgaze ))))!
I think if we can get to a point where we can see that, overall, we had a good day. If we can feel that: " Okay is good too, right? ", then I think that you, (((( DarthKobold )))), and (((( crystalgaze )))), are doing well. ( And you know what? So, am I. )
( (((( DarthKobold )))), in my own single experience of " student government ", I achieved far less than you are! As (((( crystalgaze )))) says, give yourself a pat on the back!

[crystalgaze]

Wow.... All those HUGS

Thank you very much!!

(((((((((( Tacking ))))))))))))))

((((((((( Tacking ))))))))))))))

(((((((((((( Tacking )))))))))))))))

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks (((( crystalgaze ))))! Afterall, we Welsh are a warm-hearted, poetic* people!

( * We talk a lot, you may have noticed this...?! )

[DarthKobold]

----------------WARNING TRIGGERING------------------




Thanks for the support guys. I've started understanding why I am the way I am today though... my dad received news that I failed chem pretty badly and ended up hitting me a couple times.

I ended up calling my brother. He's eighteen years older than me. He moved out soon after I was born, and he grew up with a lot of the same things I did. He actually was unaware that I'd suffered it as bad as he had. He thought that it had all mellowed out after he left, but it hadn't.

In a lot of ways, it was worse for me, it turned out. I didn't even notice. But I grew up in an abusive home and I'm still suffering emotional abuse on a near daily basis. The physical abuse just brought it all back.

I never really thought about it. The last time he hit me was ten years ago, when he caught himself and realized what the hell he was doing when I accidentally went through a window. He went to anger management a little while after and actually mellowed out then.

Basically, I guess I feel like me not being perfect led me to getting hit. I'd been doing really well the past year or so... and this seems like it was way more to be upset about than ever.

I don't react well to violence. I was paralyzed. I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. I'm going to talk to my counselor tomorrow and figure this out.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to say that I've been fortunate enough to have had a good childhood, with no abuse. So, I , fortunately, cannot speak from experience.
However, my first reaction is that you " not being perfect " did not lead to you getting hit! Absolutely NOBODY in this world is perfect, but that doesn't mean that it's OK or legal to go around hitting people!!!!
Hope your meeting with your counselor goes well tomorrow!

[DarthKobold]

It went very well! I managed to catch her and she took a couple hours to listen to pretty much my life story and all my issues with my folks, and my ex and my friends and stuff and... well I've finally put a couple things together. I consider my childhood to be good for the most part, but there are just some things that really... aren't good that were in the background the whole time.

Also, it turns out I already qualify for a liberal arts degree and can come back to finish up the science degree whenever. I've decided to try and take a semester off with that and figure out what I want for myself instead of what my parents want me to be.

And get the capability to take control of my own life. Today felt like a good day!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( DarthKobold ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Just a warm hug coming your way with a WTG!

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Glad things went well for you today, (((( DarthKobold ))))! Good luck with your future!

[DarthKobold]

Thank you all, it was nice just to get a little support over the last couple weeks. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it, but I guess that's just sort of how it goes, since at least I know now what I don't want at least

Thank you (((((EVERYONE)))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( DarthKobold )))))))))))))

The small steps are the most important ones.

We will be here to support in any way we can, please remember that.

Warmie