Worse than ever ...

[Jake61186]

Is it possible to feel utterly useless and utterly hopeless about things at the same time? Clearly--in my case, it is. I came very close to ODing during the Thanksgiving holiday and the police were called twice. I just do not know how to try and make myself feel better. I have been told that finding a job, volunteering, exercising, etc. would all help, but the problem is with feeling depressed there is no push towards doing this. Its not that I do not want to do any of these things to find happiness, its that my depression is preventing me from doing so. I constantly find myself reacting negatively, angrily, depressed, saddened, frustrated, with tears streaming down my cheeks and any other type of feeling you can associate with this. I am scaring my mom with my suicidal feelings and I am scaring myself with the possibility that I do not know how to live another day in happiness. If there is anybody that lives near me that wants to get together and talk about this in person, I would love that. I would love to have company with someone who doesn't care that I am fat, bisexual, depressed, anxious, and other things I can use to describe myself. I would love to know what it is like to really be happy and not just feel phony or sick or sad. If you are out there listening and can respond to this with any degree of hope or positivity it would be nice to see. I just have not been able to see the "white" in what has been a bleak, negative harsh black light for at least eight years. If anybody is out there... please, please help. I do know that many of you share my pain and share how horrible this stuff feels. I have been on medication for a while now, and I want to get off it. I want to find pure joy--pure happiness--and something worth living for. Thanks for listening.

Jake

[grok]

((((( Jake )))))

The best thing I can think to tell you is to slow down a bit. Just because you don't figure a solution today doesn't mean you won't some other day. I think too often we push to find "the answer" and give ourselves additional stress in the process. Then again, I think all sorts of stuff so take it for what it's worth, ok?

G.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Jake! I'm glad you are still with us! Really glad!

I was where you were. Maybe I'm still there to a degree.....


What I want to say to you now is that you can do it.... (gentle encouragement)

You are what you are, who you are & it's okay.

Now, I'll tell you how I have been able to overcome mine to a point. What I started doing was that: in the middle of what you described (the reaction) or just before, I would stop myself & say, "There is a better, more positive way for me to express/do this." I don't know how well it will work for you.

Then, I'd stop & do my best to think up a way of how to beat or even just survive what was coming. That's where I challenge myself.

If thinking on the spot is not your forte (like it isn't mine really), then that's where planning ahead is very helpful in that regard. What will I do if I have a break? Bite my lip? Scream? Go for a walk? Write in a journal? Take a time out? Listen to music? Recite poetry or bible verses, if you are religious? Go hug somebody if I can? Call someone? Go outside & get some fresh air?

What, what will I do?

No, I wasn't always successful. No, I didn't always think up a way. No, I wasn't always able to control it exactly how I wanted. What I would do in those situations is 'damage control'.

If I'm still going to erupt, then I set a limit for myself. No, I'm not going to totally blow a fuse & take things out on people or myself. No. If I tear myself down every step of the way, then I don't see how I could get better.

First, I decide what it is I'm going to do & then I practice & keep practicing. I've made it a lifestyle change. By practicing it every day or as often as I can/need, then I'm hoping I'll be able to cope better or that one day, it will be like 2nd nature to me.

Depression/etc. may always be there. What I did was to set a point where I said 'no more' (because it may go on forever). It may always stand in my way, but that's why I train myself to jump over it, crawl under it, sidestep it, etc.

You can do it!

[kate]

Hi

Ive been thru it an come out the other side and you can too. Im not saying its easy or there's a quick fix but the feeling of recovery is amazing and I know you can get there too.

Support is invaluable in positive recovery

Kate