((((((((((((((((( enigma )))))))))))))))))
Thank you.... now you get a good night of sleep and keep the faith, tomorrow will be better, for you will make it so.
Warmie
The makings of me... (triggering)
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
My Private Hell (triggering)
So I find myself here again and desperate for an outlet of the things I am feeling. It was of course far to good to be true that my life could actually get better... How much more stupid can I get??
The last 4 weeks has seen my slip of the rails and back into the dark pit with murky waters. Here I have wondered aimlessly in the dark in the pathetic hope that I would find light. There is no light in this place, there is nothing good down here. Here I am drowning within myself and no one can see it, I cannot be saved. I am tortured daily in my own private hell, my own mind chipping away at me day after day.
There is no light here, everywhere I look I see only dark shadows or a glimmer of a woman I barely recognise but something in my broken mind tells me that its me. I wake in the mornings and wish that I didn't, I am withdrawn, irritable, sluggish and prone to random outbursts of anger and/or tears. Even the most menial of tasks is a mountain for me to climb and I don't have the will or the energy to do them.
This invisible illness is wrecking every area of my life. The pressure and strain this puts on my relationship and partner is immense, I am like Jekyll and Hide, he doesn't know if he is coming or going and treads on eggshells around me. My ability to be any sort of mother to my child is seriously affected and I feel so very guilty that I am so rubbish at it. Right now I am barely taking care of myself, taking care of a child is so so difficult right now but I try so hard, I really do. Moreover, keeping any relationship with family is extremely hard not only because most of them have no idea that I am in fact ill but because I don't want to answer my phone much less put on the "I'm-doing-just-fine-act".
The hallucinations are back but this time with the the running man, who runs past my kitchen window over and over... My sleep is off and I am getting maybe 4 broken hours of sleep each night. I feel like my mind is lost inside my head, I am not in control at all.
The next person to tell me to snap out of it or not be so miserable and just lighten up will be slapped. I'm sick of being made to feel like I am being daft and my feelings brushed off as silly. I just want someone to understand what I am going through, I'm desperate. The best I can do to explain is what I said earlier. I am trapped inside my own private hell in total solitude and the torture is daily and impossible to express.
What I can express is that the thoughts are back and they are strong, they plague me constantly. I fight with myself over it, I want an escape so desperately, I need it to stop, make it stop.. I am losing my mind and I am so ready to just give up. What is the point in living if its like this? I make my family miserable and push them away, surely they are better off without me and my "mental problems" who needs it? I don't.
The last 4 weeks has seen my slip of the rails and back into the dark pit with murky waters. Here I have wondered aimlessly in the dark in the pathetic hope that I would find light. There is no light in this place, there is nothing good down here. Here I am drowning within myself and no one can see it, I cannot be saved. I am tortured daily in my own private hell, my own mind chipping away at me day after day.
There is no light here, everywhere I look I see only dark shadows or a glimmer of a woman I barely recognise but something in my broken mind tells me that its me. I wake in the mornings and wish that I didn't, I am withdrawn, irritable, sluggish and prone to random outbursts of anger and/or tears. Even the most menial of tasks is a mountain for me to climb and I don't have the will or the energy to do them.
This invisible illness is wrecking every area of my life. The pressure and strain this puts on my relationship and partner is immense, I am like Jekyll and Hide, he doesn't know if he is coming or going and treads on eggshells around me. My ability to be any sort of mother to my child is seriously affected and I feel so very guilty that I am so rubbish at it. Right now I am barely taking care of myself, taking care of a child is so so difficult right now but I try so hard, I really do. Moreover, keeping any relationship with family is extremely hard not only because most of them have no idea that I am in fact ill but because I don't want to answer my phone much less put on the "I'm-doing-just-fine-act".
The hallucinations are back but this time with the the running man, who runs past my kitchen window over and over... My sleep is off and I am getting maybe 4 broken hours of sleep each night. I feel like my mind is lost inside my head, I am not in control at all.
The next person to tell me to snap out of it or not be so miserable and just lighten up will be slapped. I'm sick of being made to feel like I am being daft and my feelings brushed off as silly. I just want someone to understand what I am going through, I'm desperate. The best I can do to explain is what I said earlier. I am trapped inside my own private hell in total solitude and the torture is daily and impossible to express.
What I can express is that the thoughts are back and they are strong, they plague me constantly. I fight with myself over it, I want an escape so desperately, I need it to stop, make it stop.. I am losing my mind and I am so ready to just give up. What is the point in living if its like this? I make my family miserable and push them away, surely they are better off without me and my "mental problems" who needs it? I don't.
Last edited by enigma21 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
((((((((( enigma ))))))))))))))))
Please don't give up on yourself! That last part about your family being better off without you. Get rid of that. Your life is for you.
You can do it..... You tried, & it didn't work this time. Please try again. (I know it takes a lot to do so.)
What all have you tried? Medicine? Doctors? ??? Do you know exactly what's wrong?
Take care, please!!
Please don't give up on yourself! That last part about your family being better off without you. Get rid of that. Your life is for you.
You can do it..... You tried, & it didn't work this time. Please try again. (I know it takes a lot to do so.)
What all have you tried? Medicine? Doctors? ??? Do you know exactly what's wrong?
Take care, please!!
(((Crystal)))
It's so hard to get rid of, the thoughts are there all the time, daily. There is just no peace during the day or night.
I am on medication and have tried 2 different ones with 4 dosage adjustments. I don't know what's wrong with me, the doctors will tell you its severe depression and that my past is what caused it (see my story page 1) Out of all the events of my past I feel only 2 of them had significant effect on me.
I wish I knew what was wrong, I guess the docs are right. I have seen so many now. I have a therapist who thinks its depression and PTSD, she is nice but how useful she is I'm not so sure. I don't even know if I care any more, something is wrong with my head and it's driving me to my limits. That's all I know.
It's so hard to get rid of, the thoughts are there all the time, daily. There is just no peace during the day or night.
I am on medication and have tried 2 different ones with 4 dosage adjustments. I don't know what's wrong with me, the doctors will tell you its severe depression and that my past is what caused it (see my story page 1) Out of all the events of my past I feel only 2 of them had significant effect on me.
I wish I knew what was wrong, I guess the docs are right. I have seen so many now. I have a therapist who thinks its depression and PTSD, she is nice but how useful she is I'm not so sure. I don't even know if I care any more, something is wrong with my head and it's driving me to my limits. That's all I know.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
((( Warmie ))) Thank you.
((( Crystal ))) It's ok, there is nothing that can be said about it except that it was unpleasant. I don't feel amazing but thank you. Resilient is something professionals often describe me as but I have definitely taken enough now, running out of steam... I don't know what kind of doctor that is, sorry. Today couldn't have been any worse. The only friend I had has accused my daughter of fracturing her son's skull. She pushed him and now has a fractured skull. She blames my me and said I need to work on my parenting skills to stop her doing it again. She is two years old!! Or maybe she is right and I am failing as mother... I cried for almost an hour, feel so awful. I am blaming myself and then questioning it... Needless to say my friend no longer wants to see me or be friends. There is a reason I am always alone, this must be it and alone I will stay.
My therapist wants to change from verbal to creative therapy and has sent me to my doctor for a medication review but after what has happened tonight (above) she is requesting the doctor see me tomorrow. She wants other professionals involved... My life seems to be spiralling out of control, I feel like a specimen in a test tube that is being studied by many scientists. Its a horrid feeling.
Enigma
((( Crystal ))) It's ok, there is nothing that can be said about it except that it was unpleasant. I don't feel amazing but thank you. Resilient is something professionals often describe me as but I have definitely taken enough now, running out of steam... I don't know what kind of doctor that is, sorry. Today couldn't have been any worse. The only friend I had has accused my daughter of fracturing her son's skull. She pushed him and now has a fractured skull. She blames my me and said I need to work on my parenting skills to stop her doing it again. She is two years old!! Or maybe she is right and I am failing as mother... I cried for almost an hour, feel so awful. I am blaming myself and then questioning it... Needless to say my friend no longer wants to see me or be friends. There is a reason I am always alone, this must be it and alone I will stay.
My therapist wants to change from verbal to creative therapy and has sent me to my doctor for a medication review but after what has happened tonight (above) she is requesting the doctor see me tomorrow. She wants other professionals involved... My life seems to be spiralling out of control, I feel like a specimen in a test tube that is being studied by many scientists. Its a horrid feeling.
Enigma
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
((((( enigma ))))))) Sorry it panned out that way with your friend. It's going to be okay.
You aren't destined to be alone. I'm just going to say that....
I'm going to gently encourage you to try to change how you think. No, no... Don't kick me yet for saying that.
What I mean is: When stuff happens, don't take it as it's going to be forever. It might not be.... It might be, but there's really a possibility for it NOT to be. (Be careful with what you tell yourself, as much as you can & no, I'm not saying it like it's that easy.)
Also, some things are beyond your control. You are doing the best you can at the moment & anyone who wants to kick you for it, you are better off without that person. When people rail at you, tell them that you wish they could walk in your shoes for 6 months & see how they will fare.
If you defeat yourself by saying it'll be forever, there doesn't seem to be much chance for anything other than what you thought/said.
I'm suggesting it because it might help with damage control in your life. You are not feeling well, so it might come in handy.
Just a thought for you.
You aren't destined to be alone. I'm just going to say that....
I'm going to gently encourage you to try to change how you think. No, no... Don't kick me yet for saying that.
What I mean is: When stuff happens, don't take it as it's going to be forever. It might not be.... It might be, but there's really a possibility for it NOT to be. (Be careful with what you tell yourself, as much as you can & no, I'm not saying it like it's that easy.)
Also, some things are beyond your control. You are doing the best you can at the moment & anyone who wants to kick you for it, you are better off without that person. When people rail at you, tell them that you wish they could walk in your shoes for 6 months & see how they will fare.
If you defeat yourself by saying it'll be forever, there doesn't seem to be much chance for anything other than what you thought/said.
I'm suggesting it because it might help with damage control in your life. You are not feeling well, so it might come in handy.
Just a thought for you.
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