All about my journey to here

[davejb]

Well to start with my name is Dave and I am 38 years old. I have been dealing with depression or OCD in one form or another most of my life. It was all in check and I had finally started to feel really good about my life in august of 2007 when my marriage first started falling apart. My depression continued to escalate and then in April of 2008 my marriage officially ended. she had lied to me and cheated on me and blamed me for all that was wrong in her life.

I tried to pick up the pieces and even met someone new who I have been with since then. Unfortunately my depression has just gotten worse and worse and I am really really tired of all the pain. I hate myself, I hate my life. My divorce continues to hurt me and I want it to stop.

In getting treatment, I have tried many drugs and even underwent electro-convulsive therapy. Right now I take Pamelor, risperdol and lithium. I just started EMDR treatment.

I love the person I am with now, and I don't want my ex wife to come back or even to ever talk to me again, but I miss it. I miss what I had and am afraid I will never feel that way again.

If anyone has any thoughts or ideas or words to help me, I am all ears.

Thanks for reading.

[Obayan]

It's hard when there is someone new in your life in the place of someone missing. They will never fully replace them. Nor can they ever hope to fill the others shoes. We do tend ideolize the good times even when we try to hold on to the bad ones as well. I think it's good that you are getting help for your depression. And just my humble opinion, but I say give the new relationship a chance. It won't be the same. But the same thing would not be good I think. Use this as an opportunity to make a new life. A new start. A new hope.

[davejb]

I am trying to give my all in the new relationship. It is so hard though with twelve years of past memories, both good and bad. I don't know what to do with them. Am I supposed to throw out everything? Do i get rid of every picture or note or letter or gift from that time? I have tried to get rid of as many triggers as possible, but I am having difficulty with some of the more sentimental things. All the anniverssary cards that expressed a strong relationship, the notes written for no reason other than to say I love you.

Even two and a half years later, there are moments when I think that my wedding ring has fallen off...tossing something in the trash and thinking it fell in. I do have the ring, it is in a cabinet...I haven't put it on since the day I found out about the cheating.

My thoughts are so scattered.

[crystalgaze]

I think Obayan made a good point. Indeed, give your new relationship a chance. How often do you think about your ex-wife & those times? If it is a lot, then perhaps you're not truly ready to give your attention to someone else??? (That is a question; there's no way I could actually know the answer to that.)

I'm going to say now what worked for me, in my case. (It may or may not work for you.)

While I was never married, whenever there was a major breakup, I got rid of most things--especially cards. It's not to say the relationship never happened. However, I got rid of cards/notes/etc. to be able to move on with my life, so that I would not stay in the past. The words on those cards/notes/etc. are no longer true, so there is no reason for me to hang onto it (in my head).

If you have things like a shirt or something like that & it doesn't trigger you as much, wear it if you want. If it triggers you, keep it in the bottom of a drawer or something like that.

Keeping the ring in the cabinet is a good idea. Notes can even be fine, if you keep them locked away some place. (I mean, nobody wants the new person in their life to stumble across old love notes/you get the picture, etc.) I know if it were me, I wouldn't want to see the old love notes as the new woman.

Finally, when past memories try to get me & weigh me down or cause interference/whatever, I remember my ex and I know that he's not losing any sleep over our past relationship or even thinking about me at all-- & neither am I. I would actually have to get a phone call from him, saying the total opposite of what I'm thinking, which I know will never happen (& even if it did, I would never believe).

Once it's over, it's over. It is extremely rare for me to go back, especially if it were very turbulent, bitter arguments went on, blame was spread around instead of working to find solutions, no real understanding occurred & ultimately, if the chance is given & the same things happen again + again.

Like water, I let it all run off of me. It's the past & I do everything I can to let it rest.

That's how I get through it.

You will find your way of coping that is best for you! I know it!

[Obayan]

((( crystal ))) so smart and kind. We are all lucky to have you here.

Dave, I was married to my husband for 22 years. That's half my life. He was a huge part of my every day living. I took care of him, I loved him, he was my life for so long. How could I ever set aside those memories and feelings? Even with my boyfriend now, I talk a lot about my husband. There isn't a whole lot in life that can happen that doesn't bring up a memory of him. I even keep his ashes on my mantle with a display honoring him and us and our daughter. He is and always will be a huge part of my life. but that doesn't mean I have to give up all hope of ever being happy again. He died, not me. I have a life to live and i plan on living it. So do you. Your life hasn't stopped. Start living it. Share the memories that you have but know they are only a memory. I don't compare the two men in my life. Ever. Because nobody could ever live up to a memory.