My Story (May Trigger)

[Marauder]

Hello all, my name is Kyle but my friends call me Marauder, I am 16 years old and several months from 17 and this is my story:

I live with my mother and brother, my father left when I was about 3 years old and all my life I have been unhappy, I have had moments of joy with friends and such but I have never been truely happy. I am completely different to my family, I have a different sense of humor, different what I would call a 'family personality' and my brother would joke that I am adopted which I'm sure alot of brothers and sisters do, at the start I denied it but as time went on I started to believe it and as even more time passed I started to hope that it was true. At the age of about 6 I started to think more negatively, at the age of 10 I started to think of running away, self harming and suicide, shortly after I started secondary school I began to self harm but it became noticable to I had periods of time when I stopped and started, though I started to self harm in other ways like starving myself, intentional fights with my brother, setting myself up for emotional trauma, anything to both punish myself and take my mind off of the bigger problems. At the age of 14-15 I went into a burnout stage that affected four areas, these were socially, mentally physically and emotionally. First, socially: I am shy and not very social at all but I became one of the center pieces of two groups of friend with both groups having about 6 friends+ the pressure caused me to burn out, mentally: I had several exams closing fast so I over-exerted myself mentally preparing for these exams, physically: I went on a school hiking trip already knowing I had problems with my knees, back and Achillie's Heel, on the first day of the weeks hiking I was in agony and was given the option to go back to base camp and rest till the week was over but I pushed myself and stuck with the hiking, at the time I did not regret it but after I was in so much pain I went to hospital and was diagnosed with Osgood Schlatters. I tried to stay in school, I was given a medical suite to work in and an elevator pass but it was too much, I dropped below the minimum amount of attendance hours required and was kicked out of education which leads to emotionally: with so much time to think I realised I was so unhappy and I also realised what the problem was...My family...All of this happened very close together. Before i was kicked out of school I was reffered to a therapist who attempted to keep my in school, with no success I continued to see the therapist and was introduced to CBT and a careers agent which were both unsuccessful. The therapy was supportive and at the very least it gave me a while longer to live but in general it wasn't helpful and towards the end of the sessions my therapist became frustrated and nasty, then my therapy ended (it ended because I was 15 turning 16 and at 16 I'm classed as an adult and not allowed to use their support anymore I was reffered to adult services but for some reason the transaction never happened) Between getting kicked out of school and therapy I met a few people online the most important two were Angelika and Isabelle, first I will talk about Isabelle, she was amazing, so much fun to be around and the best part is she seemed to like spending time with me aswell we had contact for about a year but as Christmas time neared contact became distant, then she disappeared for several months and when she returned she was a completely different person, she didnt talk to me much and didnt like talking to me when she did, not long after we lost contact all together. The pain was horrible but now on to Angelika: she is perfect in everyway, I find it difficult to describe her but she is absolutely amazing, loving and caring for eveything, so possitive, so helpful..She is old enough to be my mother but that never affected our relationship badly, I love her but I'm not in love with her and that is important...She is my sole reason for living, she knows all about my situation and seems to carry the burden easily...One night, in a conversation we talked about adoption and she said she wants to adopt me as her son and I feel the same, I want her as a mother, she said this in one sentance but that one sentance gave me an unbelievable amount of hope, I know the dream is improbable if not impossible, I'm trying to get help to make it work and to be blunt if it didn't work, I would end my life...Anyway, after therapy ended I drifted for two or so months and got a surprise appointment with a psychiatrist, after a 45 minute or so appointment the dr came to a conclusion and said something along the lines of "You are not mentally ill, your a perfectly fine, get a job, get on with your life so others can get on with theirs and if you end your life because of this its your own fault" Needless to say the night following that appointment I planned to kill myself but Angelika and some people from the chat room convinced me to seek a second opinion and to try get more help, so I did....As my final attempt to get help I made an appointment to see my local GP, nothing was done and he said to see come back in 2 weeks, so I did, then the next appointment was on Tuesday, 5th of October, nothing happened and he said to see him again in another 2 weeks...I told him I am constantly suicidal and that I harm myself, he asked to see and I showed him but he shrugged it off as being common, which I know it is but I thought I would atleast get help but no, which brings us to the present. Today, 7th of October I am being forced to see that careers agent i talked about before and I am going to plead for help. I need to be hospitalized or atleast closely monitored and away from my family.

Thank you all for reading, I hope I did not trigger anyone and I am terribly sorry if I did trigger or offend anyone in anyway. Thanks again, stay safe.

-Marauder

[crystalgaze]

I really hope it works out for you. I think you are on the right track with trying to get help.

Take care & hang in there!

[daffodilly]

mar,

I am so glad that you took the time to share all that you have.
I know it takes a lot of energy to put it all out there.

I really hope that things work for you, and you find the happiness, fulfillment, and contentment you crave.

take care. and know that I care about you and what happens.

Daffodilly

[Marauder]

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it...Planning to use this thread as a sort of diary for things that happen in the future if that is allowed.

[Obayan]

thank you for sharing with us. I use "my story" for the same thing. A diary of sorts when i need to get something out.

[Marauder]

Thanks for your reply, it feels good to see my life story like that, knowing what has happened...Not much I know which is, I guess the downside as in, seeing my life story so short, so joyless...Oh well, good to know I can use this thread as a diary. Thanks

[Marauder]

I went over to a friend's with some other friends to drink and have a good night, we got into a bad state half way through or so...Talking about my situation, Angelika came up in this conversation and my friends were skeptical of her intentions, said some bad things...I told her this the next morning and she was furious, fed up of being thought of like that as she is married, faithful and old enough to be my mother, she is like my mother so in my mind what my friends were saying about her was sick...I was mad aswell at my friends but the worst thing is Angelika is mad at me aswell as them and I don't know why, I said i hope this doesnt change anything and that I hope she can forgive me but she left the chat, she was low on time ad busy so she had to go but such bad timing, I feel this has ruined everything, I'm so hurt...And its all my fault, I just want to cry and punish myself

[Obayan]

You can't take responsibility for what others do. At least you were a good enough friend to her that you told her what was going on.

[Marauder]

Have some sort of phobia of phone calls, difficult to call friends let alone a crisis situation...But, I've been talking to Samaritans, through email. They can't help with my situation, only support and talk to me...I'm not sure if its doing any good, should just cut contact but last message the Samaritan said please keep in touch, since its just normal volunteers I now feel bad about wanting to cut contact so will continue writing...Talking about some quite serious things, like a 'plan' how things are just so hopeless, SI, all my character and personality flaws...I wish someone would just help me

[Marauder]

Today, feeling terrible..In a lot of pain, sore ribs, sore back, legs, arms, neck from a bad night with friends...Sore throat now so I might be getting the flu aswell, I also have something wrong with my ear which is making a constant ringing noise, its giving me a headache, makine it hard to concentrate, making it hard to hear, and its keeping me awake aswell....Just what I need on top of everything else, it makes giving up alot easier to do.

I'm not sure I can continue, I see no point since Angelika is mad and won't talk to me. Even if I did want to continue, I have to do something drastic to get help which is more frightening than just giving up.

[Marauder]

Wow..Well to day was absolutely horrible...Friend ignoring me, hating me...Went to see a doctor about the problem with my ear and also talked about planning to overdose and she got very defensive, telling me that all I am doing is making her more work, that now she has to write an assessment...Just what I needed to hear, she didn't help at all, just made me feel worse...Came home and gave up completely...Talked to my friend telling her that its over, that I've given up..I'm not really sure how she feels towards that, she acts like I'm fine and that I will be ok the next day...Well actually, I'm embarressed to say...She was sort of right because, after several hours of planning suicide and feeling so horrible, feeling that I had lost my friend, my thought pattern changed a little...I now think: I have to suvive a little over 1 year and I'm 18. then I can leave home, meet my friend and maybe continue my hopes that she will take me into her life....I still don't know how I am going to make it past a year but I feel alot better with my new thoughts, I'm far from cured though....