Grades: A Measure of Self-worth?

[BrokenPen]

Recently, I had been taking this fairly difficult class and I had gotten back my first paper and had gotten a 67 on it with a lot of comments that I thought were rather scathing.

"1 source? 4 are required! Why not just turn in these pages from the source as your report?!"

Then there's the test which I'm pretty sure that I failed.

Honestly, as if my self-esteem and confidence wasn't bad enough on its own without instructors cracking more and more at the foundations of it. Especially how I keep running through a list in my head about how grades are a measure of worth:

A = Adequate human being.

B = Bum.

C = Couldn't Cut it.

D = Didn't make it.

F = Failed human being.

It got especially bad in class how she was going through one of the projects for the semester and I started panicking and thinking about how I was going to fail it, just like I had failed the first paper and the first test. And all I could think about during class today was how bad it is and how much worse its going to get.

[crystalgaze]

If you did your best, then don't bother with that person. If you did what you could, even though it was not 'your best' or 'perfect', then you did what you could, & the only thing to do is to try to improve.

Please don't let anyone make you feel less than a person. Grades are just grades. People like to let it determine a lot, but grades aren't who you are. A person can have all A's & still not have a clue about anything.

It has been said (by whomever said it) that school is where you make your errors/mistakes. It's sad that that actually isn't true.

Do you love what you are doing? If so, don't be bothered with that person. Try to pass & that's it.

Do you want to/Are you able to change what you are majoring in to something that is more manageable?

These are just some thoughts.... (I'm not saying you have to do any of it.) However, the point is to get what you can out of said professor/person, get as much as you can out of said professor/person, so that you can conquer. Don't bother with the instructors because they already have theirs. Now, it's time for you to get yours. Don't let them deter you.

Walk through or walk over or sidestep them. If you must stoop to conquer, go for it.

[BrokenPen]

If you did your best, then don't bother with that person. If you did what you could, even though it was not 'your best' or 'perfect', then you did what you could, & the only thing to do is to try to improve.

Please don't let anyone make you feel less than a person. Grades are just grades. People like to let it determine a lot, but grades aren't who you are. A person can have all A's & still not have a clue about anything.

It has been said (by whomever said it) that school is where you make your errors/mistakes. It's sad that that actually isn't true.

Do you love what you are doing? If so, don't be bothered with that person. Try to pass & that's it.

Do you want to/Are you able to change what you are majoring in to something that is more manageable?

These are just some thoughts.... (I'm not saying you have to do any of it.) However, the point is to get what you can out of said professor/person, get as much as you can out of said professor/person, so that you can conquer. Don't bother with the instructors because they already have theirs. Now, it's time for you to get yours. Don't let them deter you.

Walk through or walk over or sidestep them. If you must stoop to conquer, go for it.

Unfortunately it's not as easy as that for me.

Especially since after this year, my financial aid will be unusable since I've used all my appeals and so on.

ANd I've been at this for ten years. Trying to graduate with professional and creative writing majors.

It is enough to make me wonder if I'm as much of a failure with this as with all the other areas of the campus that I had tried in my 10 year journey.

Sciences - failed miserably.

Technical college - Performed horribly

Art department - not creative enough. Was even told so by my instructor to my face no less.

Business - Did terrible there.

It just feels like the only thing I"m good at is using up resources.

[crystalgaze]

Those areas you mentioned.... I could not do well in them either, especially in a school setting. I'm not good at science, which is why I didn't bother trying to become a doctor. I remember how I wanted to study Physics at first. Let's just say I changed my major VERY quickly after one course that I dropped. It was very difficult.

I tried a course in music but didn't understand the instructions.... No matter how I tried, I just didn't get it, in terms of technique. I went to different voice professors--just didn't get it. "Drop your jaw." & I was like, "What?! ???" One of my professors even started praying to God because I didn't get it. Every day she would pray to get through to me & for me to understand. I just didn't. I can sing a little. My voice is lost for the most part now. I can sing, but I actually don't understand anything about it--how it actually works, projecting your voice, blah blah blah.

I probably wasn't artsy enough either. I didn't have vision--still don't. The most I can do is doodle--& even that doesn't look right most of the time or if I do 1, I can't reproduce it.

You tried. I think that it is good that you did. You know a lot more about yourself as a result. (How many people can say that?)

Also, a dual degree is often a lot of work. Are you close to finishing them? 1 of them?

You are admirable for trying. A lot of people would just turn tail without even trying. I don't think it is a waste.

& now, I'm going to tell you a story.... Bear with me.

My brother has been working on his degree.... just an AA for 16, going on 17 years..... He's 33 this year. He hopped from school to school & then sometimes did nothing whatsoever & was depressed in between as well. He was very bright but is a know-it-all type & can even be argumentative. (That's part of what gets in the way.)

We were all very peeved with him. (no doubt about that)

A lot of times why he didn't finish was because he cursed some professor out or what. He also has a hard time finishing anything he does.

Now.... & I hope I'm not wrong.... My brother is trying again, in spite of all his previous failures. He's probably been through at least 7 different schools. The reason he told me that he's doing it yet again... You know he just said to me, "Onika, I don't want to be working a minimum wage job, if I don't absolutely have to. It's hell."

I saw his transcript & he had a good # of C's. & all I said to him was, "It looks good! Keep it up!" The only thing I told him to check was how many C's he could have in his major with his department & the school policies.

He wanted to do computer science & is a little knowledgeable, but since he has a lot of C's in the courses, he is changing his major. He wants to try business, so he will try it. I just told him to watch out for Economics....

C's are okay. I am hoping he finishes this time, even if it is just an AA.

I'm saying all of this to say please don't despair! Keep at it!

[BrokenPen]

I'm trying not to. But I keep looking at my situation and how bleak it is.

Nearly 30 years old, never had a job, and the only thing I'm even mildly good at, no one wants or needs anymore.

How does one go through that without becoming addicted to something?

[crystalgaze]

Curiosity here: What is the one thing you are mildly good at?

I'm the same about the job situation. I'm not exactly 30, but I am getting there. The road block is that anything I may apply for requires X years of experience first, in order to be considered.... (just for an interview)

Still I'm going to try mainly because unless there's some kind of freak accident/medical condition, I'll be here for at least 2 more decades. I would like to do something in that time.

Places are looking for people no one has to train in the slightest. Maybe I was just lucky, but the reason I didn't become addicted to anything (really addicted) was because I knew it would create yet another problem for me to solve.

The hole will be much deeper/harder to get out of for me to go where I want to go.

The most I did was drink.... Even that had its consequences while I was never drunk (to the point of throwing up, etc). Sometimes I felt like I wanted to smoke cigarettes really badly, but I just didn't do it.

Depending on the addiction & how serious it is, then people will be people & judge, stereotype, etc. I just wasn't in the mood for the hubbub.... (I was already odd/eccentric or perceived to be so. I didn't need anymore on my plate.)

Hang in there!

[BrokenPen]

Curiosity here: What is the one thing you are mildly good at?

The one thing that I'm mildly good at is writing. But then again, how good am I when not even my school literary magazine rejects my work?

[crystalgaze]

The one thing that I'm mildly good at is writing. But then again, how good am I when not even my school literary magazine rejects my work?

Writing.... Wow! That's good! Then, that means your hard work + trial + error moments weren't for naught. You found something.

I wouldn't worry about the school literary magazine.... I know that may sound strange.... for me to say.... but I will talk for mine..... The one I had at my school always only chose a selected few & didn't leave room for anyone else. If you didn't conform, or suck up or whatever, you could just forget it.

I often wondered if the contests they held were rigged. For example, an English major almost always won. Also, I remember the people who used to win the contests were like the school paper president & so forth.... Um....Yeah.... I don't really know about that. The good news is that I knew some of the people who won & saw that they had good spirits + character for the most part. But often times, I looked at the work submitted & truly couldn't see how it won.

(Ah.... Not trying to be negative... but just saying those unvoiced thoughts I had.... Maybe I don't really have an eye for that stuff.... ~shrugs~)

[Obayan]

Steven King once said in an interview that he litterally wallpapered his office with rejection letters. Look at him now. Don't give up if this is really what you want. Keep pushing. Keep trying. You have it in you to succeed.

[BrokenPen]

The one thing that I'm mildly good at is writing. But then again, how good am I when not even my school literary magazine rejects my work?

Writing.... Wow! That's good! Then, that means your hard work + trial + error moments weren't for naught. You found something.

Still, the sad thing that I've found is that I'm usually right when I think I'm wrong about something. And if I think I'm right then I'm usually wrong.

Such as today, got back my test: 56 out of 100.

As if my self-confidence needs any more demolition.

[crystalgaze]

Heya BP! How have you been since that time? How are things going with you? Just giving you a shout!

Hang in there!

[BrokenPen]

Surviving to be honest with you.

[crystalgaze]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Broken Pen ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wishing for a time for you where you won't be just surviving.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( BrokenPen ))))))))))))))))))

Just a hug...

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

Hope you're having a good weekend!

(((((((((((( BP ))))))))))))))))))))