I just need to let this all out and vent, and ask for advice. I am having severe work issues, my communication with my co-workers is disastrous, and I am on the verge of being demoted or fired. I tend to think this is a combination of my anxiety/depression and workplace bullying. I am also having troubles in my personal life and want to start to repair those, but the work thing is so stressful it is straining my efforts to take care of my relationship and myself.
Some background: I suffered from sexual abuse as a child, and physical, sexual and emotional abuse from a druggie/alcoholic boyfriend in my teens. I was a drug abuser and lied, stole and did other things I’m not proud of while going through this period. I contracted an incurable STD (not HIV/AIDS) from a one night stand (I used protection and still got it) during this time and had to inform every partner of this before becoming intimate and of course it was difficult to find someone who would accept me after that. I lost my dad to cancer a few years back, I live far away from the rest of my family now. I’m married to a great man who accepted me even with my problems, but I have problems with intimacy and a lot of the times don’t enjoy sex. I don’t drink or do drugs anymore but my husband still drinks and it bothers me a lot, even if he just has a beer after work I get upset.
My current issues started when I participated in a technology education community outreach event with my job. I was really into this program. I loved it. I felt personally fulfilled and felt my participation was really making an impact and a difference in the world. I was consumed with making this a full time job. I moved my husband around the country to follow my career aspirations until I landed the “dream job”. I was full time tasked with developing and running these events for young women and low-income kids. In the process, employees who participated in this program were having fun, realizing their potential as teachers and I was helping to make an impact on their lives too, by allowing them to give to the community in this fashion. Sounds awesome, and it was!
The first time I moved for my work (to Kentucky), my husband had to leave his job and family in New York. He was having a really hard time finding work in this new location. It was a culture shock and he did not get along with people in this location because of regional stereotypes. His strong accent and mannerisms put people off and he did not get call backs for interviews. The pay scale was much less in Kentucky then in New York, so he felt it insulted at the pay offerings. He had very few friends, when in New York he had tons. I had many friends through work, but he had no one but me. He became bored, disgruntled and sad (I realize this now) and began to drink in excess. When I landed the dream job we had to move again, this time to the Midwest. He was happy to leave Kentucky at least, but the drinking continued.
Disclaimer: My team members had different positions, but were allowed to work on this project during the summer months and return to their regular jobs at the conclusion of the summer. My boss and myself were the only ones who had full time positions, but were both coded as having the same job title, even though it was understood that I reported to her. This will make more sense later. My team members and I basically had to do everything together; we all took many responsibilities in all areas of the project so it got done.
Now I threw myself into my work. I ignored his drinking and spent 18 hrs a day working, talking about work, hanging out with work friends and they became my family while I neglected the needs and issues with my own. I know that drinking is HIS problem per say, but I did not make attempts to attend to my marriage or pay attention to him at all. He still was not working and when I did pay attention to him it was to get angry, argue and resent him while I worked “so hard” and he was still unemployed and drunk. My job paid very well so we were able to pay bills and live comfortably on my salary alone. Till I got laid off.
My boss did not even know that I was being laid off, as her job title was not “manager” all the discussions were kept from us. She had more tenure so she stayed. My team members still had “day jobs” and were still allowed to participate in the project during the summer and go back after it was over. So everyone stayed involved and the program went on without me.
But I had lost the dream job. I lost my identity as I had let my work define and consume me. All the friends I had through work all of a sudden no longer talked to me…all the people I once considered my family. I understand that they were not allowed to talk to me for HR reasons and that they did not want to rub it in that they still participated and I could not. I know they worked really hard to keep the program going so that when it was over maybe it would get re-funded and I would get my job back, as well as full time positions for themselves. My boss kept telling me that she was going to change things, move departments so she could get funding and positions for the program. But I missed them. I missed my work. I became depressed and I cried all the time. I looked for new jobs but nothing compared to what I had. I had to make a decision, so I chose to stay because I had faith in my boss that maybe I could possibly get my job back. I had a severance package, money and paid COBRA insurance, plus I got unemployment so we could survive and wait it out. I had a lot of free time with my hubby and the drinking became less excessive and he got a job too.
Fast forward…I ended up getting my job back. My boss was successful in changing departments, securing funding and getting full time positions for all of us, including a new person who participated during the summer I was gone. 2 of them live in another state and work virtually. The new person eventually moved to live near the headquarters. I got paid a bit more then before I was laid off, and I started to build the relationships again with my team. I was so grateful to her for doing this and it was like all the faith I placed in her came to fruition. I considered her a good friend as well as my boss. But with the new roles, our work was divided into specified roles so we all had distinct responsibilities, no longer did we just do everything together. It was fine at first because my job was to write the class curriculum but it started to deteriorate as my work overlapped with others and there was a lot of waiting, missed timelines, and frustration. Responsibilities of other team members changed a few times as my boss juggled different areas of work and determined who should do what, but my job remained the same, write training materials, which I spent sometimes 18 hrs a day doing, running brainstorming sessions at night and on the weekends, and writing the materials, templates and plans during the day.
Meanwhile my boss was recruiting a new person to help run the program and become the next manager, unbeknownst to all of us. Planning was in place for expanding the program to after school events, employee training, and online training, but there were either no timelines or constantly changing timelines for this, and strict guidelines for what that might look like such as templates for training materials or logistics in place. Employees were hired to actually run the existing summer events while we planned and provided support. It was determined that since I missed the work experience from the previous summer, I would not be responsible for directly managing these teams. I was told that I would travel to some events and provide additional support and training to these teams however. I even had to step in and replace a team member and help run an event due to losing an employee at one point. So I was a bit confused as to what my boundaries were in running and executing the events, training the employees even though they did not report to me, and what trainings to write in the meantime, because of the vague plans I mentioned before. During the summer when I did not have anything to work on I took on tasks where I saw gaps to maintain the program, since others were traveling much more then me and also managing the teams. Apparently my assistance was perceived to be “meddling” and “not concentrating on my own work” which while I don’t disagree, I also was looking to my boss and team members for timelines and statuses of the other programs, and had to have some answers form their areas of work to be able to execute my own. I was also noticing that my co-workers were having communication issues with the employees running the events. I felt that the planning and training for these employees was disorganized and the feedback methods were very negative, but that is not my role, as I was not tasked with managing the teams directly. One employee even said that she was very uncomfortable with one of my co-workers after I asked him if he had a document I could look at. He said “I question why you need to know about this process”. She said to me afterwards that she was uncomfortable with his tone and it sounded very rude.
The person my boss had recruited was brought on the team on a temporary basis and was assisting in managing the teams that ran the events as well and was starting to integrate into the team, and that seemed to be going well at first.
Of course, my travel and inattention to my marriage continued. The drinking got better and worse in phases, depending upon when I was home and had the time to give my husband positive attention.
My last event was in Puerto Rico. The plan was to pay our spouses way to the location after the event was over and spend 2 extra days with group activities. Before my husband arrived I was called into a meeting with my boss and the new guy. Before this, he was just assisting, getting to know the team and was someone I enjoyed hanging out with. We got along. Now I’m in this meeting and they are telling me I’m having performance issues. The new guy is all of a sudden placed in a position of power and it’s obvious that he is #2 after my boss, even though I do not officially report to him and he is still only with us on a temporary assignment. They ask me what I have been doing this whole time, if I was confused about my role, adding up their assumptions of how much time my tasks were taking me, alluding that I’m stealing time (before the summer, remember I’m working 18 hour days and weekends and I consider myself to have an exceptional work ethic). Why I’m “jealous” and meddling in the running of the employee teams because that is not my role. They say that I’m too focused on the employee teams and the summer program and I need to let go and focus on other things. I’m not allowed to interact with the employees anymore, or the students, and I should only communicate with my managers and my direct co-workers. My boss asks me if everything is alright at home/am I burned out or something. I start to cry and ask the new “manager” to leave the room. I told her that I was burned out, that I worked so hard before the summer to avoid my personal problems at home, and my husbands drinking. She said she knew something was up because my 18 hr days for months on end were classic avoidance. She also said she “knew something was ‘wrong” with him” and that I needed to decide, “what I was going to do about it”. I asked her not to say anything to anyone. Her personality type is very strong, she is the type of person who will bend over backwards to help people who she deems “worthy” and shuns those who are not. It’s a great place to be in if you are worthy but I think her opinion of how “worthy” I was dropped that day. I think she saw me as a bit weak to not confront the problem and deal with it.
That night one of my coworkers asked me what was wrong and I ended up telling him too. Now that I look back I wonder how he knew to ask me about personal issues but I didn’t think about that at the time, I was leaning on a trusted co-worker for advice. He offered to help me transition my tasks to others to help me get back on track with my responsibilities and gave me advice on my personal problem. However his personality type is black/white, right/wrong. His advice was very concrete; he alluded to the fact that I should leave my husband.
I started to think about what everyone had said the past few days. “Something is wrong with him” and “he isn’t being a good man” and stuff like that. I thought about how I’d work 18 hr days for months and when I started to slip, my time started to be questioned as if I was stealing time from the company or something. I became hyper aware of the interactions I saw around me. I started to notice how my boss and the new “manager” would make fun of some of the employees running the camps that they considered weak or underperforming. The whole group just then just follows her lead and also hates that person, I guess because they are scared of being treated badly. Go along so it’s not your own butt in the hot seat. I thought back to an instance where I had to pee when we got back to the hotel after a long drive, and she said in front of the whole group that I have to pee so much that I need to get that looked at.
They called one girl to a meeting and started questioning her about what she wanted out of her career and blasting her for not being able to articulate or define the words she was using. The girl was just a retail employee with no business training at all, and was very put on the spot and flustered. I understand what they were trying to do, to get her to really think about her professional development and what she wanted to do, but she told me afterwards that when it was over she felt no bigger then a bug.
My husband arrived. I tried to warn him about people’s attitudes and that they judge, and make fun and are mean. I did not tell him that I confided in my boss/coworker about his drinking. My co-worker is always a bit aloof so it didn’t seem out of character the way he interacted with my husband. But my boss…..whoo boy. She treated him like DIRT. She was terse, never smiled, and acted as if he was so far beneath her. He was defiantly “not worthy”. He was confused why she acted this way and I instantly regretted telling her about it. I felt betrayed by her that she would act that way, maybe she didn’t tell anyone about my issue but she acted so abnormal to him it was like a neon sign to me. Since the rest of the group just follows….everyone realized…she does not like him, so neither should YOU. I left him at the hotel to go to the final group dinner, with the excuse that he was tired from a long travel day. The girl I mentioned above, she took her husband. He was soo drunk, he was passing out in the car. She pulled me aside and asked for my help. I told he that I would tell everyone that he didn’t feel good, helped her find a cab for him, called the hotel to make sure when he arrived that someone would help him to the room. I knew that if the group found out he was drunk they would judge her too. That night I drove her and another employee and his wife back to the hotel. I didn’t have a GPS so he helped me with his cell phone navigation program. We missed a turn and had to detour around, no biggie. When we got back I thanked him for helping us get back. He said “Thanks for not getting angry that everything did not go 100% right”. That really stuck with me. He got us back safe, just took a bit longer, we did not get lost really, just had to take the long way. He was expecting me to ream him for it and was surprised that I was grateful for what he DID do. I knew that he was feeling the negativity as well.
At the end of this trip I shared part of a flight with my husband and the new “manager” . My husband had a different connection in the states and the new manager and I had the same flight. He was terse in the airport in Puerto Rico because he had issues returning the rental car because the he and the hotel had dispute of damage to the car from the hotel …. The cops even came to take a report and everything. He was stressed and snapped at the airport “I’m not talking to anyone till I get on the plane” and stormed off. We got the story later and got on the flight. We were unable to get boarding passes for the connecting flight in Puerto Rico because it was too early in the AM and a gate agent was not there to do it, so we were going to have to get checked in at the gate in the States. The flight was late, we had like 10 min to get to the connecting flight, ours was in another terminal and my husbands was in the same terminal. My Husband isn’t as traveled as I am so I was worried about him making his flight. Our cats were boarded at a shelter and I wanted to get them and go home. Extra pet boarding time meant extra $$ so if we both missed our flight that would cost us more then an inconvenience. He thankfully made his flight. My flight was canceled; I found this out after RUNNING through 3 terminals. At the gate the new “manager” gets an automated phone call, he has been rebooked for a flight that was about 6 hrs later. I had no phone call or rebooking and no one was at the gate to help me. I overheard a passenger saying that the flight was canceled because there was no crew to man the flight. When a flight is canceled for this reason, you have the right to get rebooked on another airline if needed. Only if it’s weather do you not get any accommodations for a canceled flight. I tried to tell this to my new “manager” and he yelled at me “you know nothing, that’s 2nd hand information and you need to stay RIGHT HERE at the gate and wait” …. I felt like I was being treated no better then a dog, being commanded to STAY. The gate agent comes along. I tell her “I’m traveling with my co-worker and my flight was canceled. He got a phone call that he was rebooked, but I was never informed as such.” She gets all rude and makes fun of me using “as such” and like repeated it back to me in something she said, all condescending. I get my rebooking… the same flight as him. So I call the airline, because I’m pissed! The gate agent was rude, the flight was not canceled due to weather so I should get the next flight out, no matter what airline. I could have been on a different airline with my husband. I could have rented a car and drove home quicker then the next flight. I was transferred a bunch and put on hold for a total of an hour and a half trying to talk to someone, because my flight originated outside of the US they kept transferring me to international reps who could not help and I had to explain the story a million times. Finally I get a flight that’s about an hour away. My new “manager” is pissed now, because I didn’t just suck it up and wait. But after the way he yelled at me I was in no mood to just wait with him and deal with his attitude, and get home at 2AM. I had told him hey I got an earlier flight and he is just like “OH that’s nice” all passive-aggressive. So I said “I need to wait on line for a boarding pass” and I walk over there. I waited on line at the new gate for my ticket, and they started to board right away, so I got on the plane without going back to him. He sent me a text while I was on the plane. “Wow not even a goodbye? LAME” I texted back that I was very upset at the way he treated me all day and shut my phone off. Later when I arrived home I had like 3 more texts from him, all talking about how I should understand that he was stressed too and not to only think about myself. I texted him back, that again, I was upset at how he treated me, and actually said “You commanded me to STAY like a dog”. He then txt back and said “there is a time and place for everything and if you want to discuss your personal brand with me at a later time let me know”. WTF does that mean? I started to really distrust my co-workers and my boss and the new “manager”.
I started to work on my other tasks and the rest of the team kept traveling….and when my boss got back oh boy did she let me have it for “abandoning” my new “manager”, that “I don’t care if he cursed you out you never leave a co-worker like that”. And they told me I was pulled off the travel schedule and I would be attending no more events this year. I was scheduled for like 3 more events at that point, including the last event of the summer in New York and was planning on staying a few days late to visit my mom, and had already gotten it approved through her.
This was about the time I decided to take a look at my mental health and working on my relationship and myself. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, and it was about 2 months away.
So the new “manager” and I work out a plan for some new tasks and I got some clarity on timelines and expectations, so at least that was a positive. I began working on these new tasks and was meeting deadlines and rolling along OK. I don’t get to communicate that much with my co-workers as they are still traveling. I have no idea if they were told that I was being “punished” or what, but they were pretty incommunicado for the rest of the summer. I had a meeting with my boss, the new manager and their boss too. He had me self rate my performance and then they rated it. I was rated about average. Some things were above, and some below, so it all kinda averaged out. They were saying things like “Well I only have A players and you need to decide if this is something that you still want to do”. Basically I get to decide if I want my job? Trying to get me to admit that I don’t love my job anymore? Saying ”Oh yeah you are right I should totally be demoted for not being 100% exceeding expectations all the time”. I have to love it to do well at it? Lots of people don’t love their jobs and they do a good job anyways. I have to give up my life, relationship and whole self to it again? I was emotional at this meeting. I was confronted by my co-workers after this and they asked me the same thing! When they said they wanted to be project managers and I said I did not, I felt judged. I don’t have to want to always move up, I’m allowed to be content in the same role for a while and try to just get really good at it. Not everyone wants to be a manager. I don’t like the cutthroat politics of higher positions and that is not what I want from a job.
I decided that I could no longer afford to have any emotional outbreaks in front of my co-workers. So I called my employers Employee Assistance Program and got a therapist right away, and have been seeing her since. I canceled the P-doc appt (I should have kept it…grr) I started to work with her about setting boundaries and emotional reactions. I had an assessment after a few appointments and she determined that I have anxiety and Dysthymic disorder.
Fast fwd to recently. A meeting was planned, a “debrief” for the employees that ran all the events this summer. A total of 14-16 people were scheduled to travel to the company headquarters and meet to discuss how the summer went, etc. I was not included, notified or invited to any planning meetings for this debrief. However, I was placed on the schedule to run 2 sessions of the meeting. So I just jumped in on the discussions around planning the meeting, since I am going to be facilitating 2 sections now! Well little did I know that by doing this I would now get reamed for the lack of planning, having a poor agenda, etc. I started to work on planning my sessions. They were so detailed and had everything planned down to the minute, goals and objectives, the whole nine. I even met with my new ”manager” and discussed the plans with him, made changes based on his suggestions, and added new discussion points at his suggestion. He told me that what I had was good and gave me those tips.
So the day before everyone arrives at the headquarters we go to practice the presentations. Up until this point I’m being told that my plan was good and I’m meeting deadlines with no issues. And remember that 2 of my coworkers live out of state so the day before was the soonest time we had to practice our presentations in person. We ended up working from 9AM Saturday to 1:30 AM Sunday, and then meet the employees on Sunday at 10:15 AM. I got negative feedback for my presentation, even the parts that my new “manager” had helped me plan. I was getting really frustrated. I was not even invited or included in the plan to start. Then when I got involved all that happened was: I got yelled at for not planning details enough, my workload increased, I stayed up till 1AM in several online meetings with them to assist, and I get stuck taking notes for the whole meeting too, like their secretary (TWO sets of notes, one for the employees and one for us). When I started to present my boss and the new manager started to whisper to each other and laugh. I stopped presenting and was like “ummm, what?” they played it off like they were just “acting” and that since my presentation was just after lunch that people would be distracted and having side conversations. I’m pretty distrustful of their motivations at this point so I think they were talking about me. I get all this negative feedback as I practice and try to adjust, I’m getting frustrated trying to make my points, and I mention that his ideas were something I added to my presentation and why were they no good now? So my new “manager” says “Don’t get all ‘New York mad and don’t point fingers”. I was shocked, how could they find the one thing to complain about, I cant change where I was BORN. He said “New York mad” twice, so it wasn’t just a passing comment, he made a decision to repeat it. It’s determined that maybe I just need to learn by doing because the feedback was not effective at that point. Personally I felt that my presentation style is just different then theirs is because when I did my presentation nothing horrible happened, I got what I wanted out of it and only lost track a few times, not stellar but not disastrous. They tell me that I need to learn, if I don’t turn out perfect results every time (and how can you when you are learning?) I get negative comments.
So one of the sessions of this meeting was one where the employees would give honest feedback about myself and my coworkers. One girl stated that thinks it would have been nice had they all had some time to get to know our personalities before working together and being put into stressful situations. She said she didn’t know about my strong “New York” personality and that once when we were stressed out she thought I was yelling at her…but once she got to know me she realized that I in fact was not yelling at all. She meant nothing bad about it at all and I did not take it badly. I approached her after and apologized that I came off like that and even gave her a hug. But the damage is done…my “New York mad” is now proven as a fact. They also wrote down some anonymous comments that were collected and shared with us later. It was during this session that I had to pee really bad. I whispered "I need to use the restroom" to a coworker and he said "HOLD IT".
**I do drink energy drinks....and yes, I know that's no good for anxiety, as well as caffeine being a diuretic but other team members drink coffee all the time and no one mentions their bathroom breaks to them!***
I also have IBS and this increases my need to visit the restroom so they very well may think that my bathroom visits are all about #1 and that I must pee like a racehorse!
The next day, during a follow up team meeting (held in a restaurant), they laid into all of us on our performances. They went on and one about how especially one coworker and myself don’t learn and adapt, and did the team need to be disbanded, and who needed to be demoted before the other people stepped it up, etc. Then something horrible happened. My manager yelled at me and I actually went pee a tiny bit right there in the restaurant. Not enough to stain my pants or anything and thank goodness I was sitting at a table so I could not be seen, but it happened
It was because I was caught goofing off during the meeting for a second. Yeah I was wrong but I think the level of anger she showed was excessive and it was very scary. She was shaking like she was holding back from being MUCH worse. I know this is my anxiety talking but I had a “bad thought train” come roaring through where I imagined her reaching across the table to beat me up. We were all told again that WE needed to decide what WE wanted to do, did we still want our jobs basically. I just don’t get this part. Just fire me if you think I suck at my job, don’t try to make it like we suck by choice and should fall on our swords.
The reaming kept up, being directed at one coworker at a time after me.
Not one said anything after being yelled at and they got mad at that, so I decided to be the first to speak up when asked if we had anything to say about ourselves. I kinda let go on them. I said: I don’t trust you guys anymore. I don’t feel like a part of the team. I stayed up with you all till 1 night after night and helped you plan, even when I was not included or invited to any of the planning initially. I felt like your secretary during this meeting, print this, note this, get that, etc. I’m the black sheep of the group now and I have been for a while. The same co-worker who told me to HOLD IT turned to me when I was done and said “GO AWAY”. Basically he was telling me F-U. He was so mad that he could not even talk after that. I think he was that mad because he was the one who gave me all the “advice” after my disclosure in Puerto Rico and I kinda lumped him into “I don’t trust you category”.
So I'm all uncomfortable and humiliated with PEE IN MY PANTS, and the subject of me leaving to pee in the meeting was brought up! The coworker (the one that told me to "HOLD IT") said that it was rude of me to want to leave to pee during this meeting, and that the attendees would perceive this badly, as if I did not care about what they were saying.
As far as I know, they did not know what had just happened, and I was embarrassed, angry and humiliated. I mean, I just WET MYSELF and here they are mentioning my need to pee all the time. I was horrified.
I did try to stick up for myself and said "So we are back to discussing my bodily functions? Really? You want to go there again?" So they started to bring up me leaving in the meeting to get a drink as another illustration of how selfish I was being. It was brought up that I did not go with one of the teams the night before on a team building exercise. They also had team dinners with each of them and their employee teams, and since I was not directly managing the teams I did not attend those particular dinners. I did attend a large group dinner the first night however. As far as the team building activity, I was not invited to go and it was not expected in the plan that I do so. My co-worker insisted I was invited. That conversation did not happen. They asked me what I was doing, and I told them that I was going home to finish the employee notes from the day. No one said to me that I should stay with one of the groups. They again insisted I was told that I could “tag along” with one of the groups. That conversation DID happen, but it was in relation to the separate dinners the 2 nights before, NOT related to the team building activities. They would not accept that they were wrong, that I was not asked to join one of the groups. Then we went through the feedback from the employees. I felt a little better at that point because you should have seen what they wrote about my coworkers! The called one of them a d**k, said that one of them was angry and mean , talked down to them, acted elitist. They said that they were negative and that the negativity spread around, they harped on everything that was done wrong and never praised for things done right. They said that they played favorites and only let those people do extra special events (Like Puerto Rico), and didn’t even give them an opportunity to participate. The only thing in there that was about me was the “New York mad” thing and you know it was brought up AGAIN. I wondered, as they tried to justify why the statements were wrong, saying they did not understand what they meant, why they were SO shocked and angry at what I said. My feelings were justified right there on paper, from 14 other people.
I was so mad and upset when I left this meeting I was shaking! I actually tried to talk to my new “Manager” when everyone left. I asked him if he remembers leaving the room in Puerto Rico. He did and I told him that I shared something personal with my boss and also the co-worker. I said that after that I felt like I was being treated differently and that my personal problem was shared. I said that I had even called HR about it. (that was a mistake to tell him that I think)
*** nothing came out of the HR call, they cant really do anything about it unless it was a lie that was being spread around (like slander). Stupid behavior but not against policy they said. An investigation was never opened. But I had a case number that indicated I called in with a workplace concern.***
I said that is where my trust and “black sheep” issues stemmed from. I told him that I was trying to learn and improve, but what I am working on is a personal matter. I was kind of hinting that I was in therapy but that I didn’t want to tell anyone my personal info because I have already been burned in the past. He then proceeded to allude that I should just quit if my issues could not be resolved. He tried to make it all nice, like “it doesn’t mean YOU need to fix it, or anyone else needs to fix it, but if it CANT be fixed or can only be fixed by like a miracle, you need to do what’s best for yourself” and “if you wanna talk I’ll be around, why don’t you go home and decompress”. Again, I need decide to fire myself. I saw him go to his car and start making a phone call as I was leaving. I know he was not talking to my boss because she was still having a conversation with another co-worker outside the restaurant when I left. I think he was calling HR, maybe to report that I “revealed” an ongoing investigation or something to try to get me in trouble. I have this feeling because he did not reply to my request for a meeting and also did not reply to any of my status update emails I sent either.
So I called HR myself the next day. I said I have a mental health issue that is interfering with my job and co-worker relationships, and I did not feel comfortable with sharing this with my managers. (I did not want to mention names because I’m afraid of retaliation) Unless I mention a specific incident they could do nothing but tell me I can go on a medical or personal (unpaid) leave of absence, and that again, it was just recorded that I called in with a workplace concern. I got a couple emails since then, one from my boss saying lets get to work on our other projects and not loose momentum, and another from my new “manager”. He said that we are doing our quarterly check in on our PDG (Performance Development Guides) next week. I have never, either before I got laid off, or since I have been re-hired, done a formal PDG with anyone. Before I moved to this position I had reviews, but they were a different type that is used to review an hourly employee. I apparently had an annual PDG in May, and it was input into the system, and I was like a 3.6 out of 5, which is above expectations and to the point of suggesting moving up if desired. I even got a small raise that I actually never noticed on my paycheck (darn taxes!) I never had a sit down to review this at all. I have not seen the annual PDG. If I request my personal file then my boss will have to approve it and again, I’m scared of retaliation. Salaried employees are supposed to do them ourselves and discuss this with managers. Part of it is business metrics, which it says “Manager and employee agree on business metrics”…..never have I had a conversation to this extent. My core job responsibilities change have changed from the summer till now so its like I have 2 sets of responsibilities on the same review and I anticipate that some will continue to change as time goes on. I know that I will not do well on the values portion because they are convinced that I cant learn or adapt and I have such severe trust and communication issues with my co-workers. I know they are going to use this PDG as a tool to get rid of me. I am trying to hold on to save as much money as possible and survive in this job till we have enough money to move from here, so I am doing and saying things in this PDG to make attempts to fix what they perceive my problems to be. In the meantime I made an appt with the p-doc again. I don’t eat, I cant sleep, even with the coping skills that my therapist talks about I cant stop the thoughts, I recognize then after they happen but I cant press the “snooze” button on my internal alarm bells. I know some of these problems stem from the fact that I cant let go or bad things that happen, and I assume bad intent. But I also feel very bullied and that some of my bad thoughts are justified. I’m going to explore medication now to help me cope with the stress till I can leave it behind. My hubby and I are communicating more, he is opening up about his childhood and reasons for drinking. He even said once that he should put the $$ he spends on beer towards a therapist himself! He understands that he uses drinking to “shut down” on life issues, while I am incapable of stopping my thoughts right now because of the stress.
So now, I congratulate you on getting through a 7302 word essay on my partial life story, and breathe a sigh of relief that I got it all out.
I know it's very long.
(Hopefully, that will shut them up for a quick minute.)
