Fear of Intimacy

[ShadowSelf]

As much as I would love to let a lady past the defenses, there is a part of me that constantly reminds me of how horrible things have been when I did in the past.

Why expose your heart when she will invariably put a bayonet through it?
Sometimes there's nothing I would want more, however... I know I'm not ready yet, I just pray that someday soon I will be.

R

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Remember that is the past. Learn from it, grow from it.

Not ALL women do that R. There are women in this world that are afraid, just like you. When the day comes and the woman you are waiting for enters your life, be assured the wait will be worth it.

But with your defenses up, will you ever know?

Warmie

[JTSilius]

there are these women out there who will fix your intimacy problems for $20/$100/crack and leave without any strings attached. have you tried one of those?

[Nykkytta]

ShadowSelf,

When the time is right again you will know it - that's usually how it goes. Nothing can guarantee that you will never get hurt again, but you are sure to have some wonderfull times... that's my opinion.

Dive in... the water is great !


Nykkytta

[Petra]

I too fear this, I also worry about the way that person will perceive me, what she's thinking of me etc etc...
I guess I need some more confidence..
I would love a relationship more than anything, but I'm afraid of having - as you so finely put it - a bayonet through my heart, again...

I just want somebody to love, hold, and care for. But at at the same time, my own negative thoughts and emotions about myself are making me fear something I long for...
It eats me up inside, almost every day...

Hugs all,

Petra

[true-blue]

it has been a yr and 3 mths since i went on a date for many of the same reasons you gave. i have those feeling too. but i just got up the courage to say "yes" to a date and i am going to try and keep my fears at bay. i guess i just decided that i was more lonely than anxious so i finally gave in. good luck to both of us! true-blue

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( true-blue))))))))

Glad you gave in, now for me to be asked. LOL as if.

Warmie

[Froggy]

My advice would be to get to know someone as a close friend before going any further, but that's just a personal feeling... It lets you get to know them, though, and establish a bond of trust.

I don't have any fear of a relationship in itself, but I'm intensely scared of the physical side of relationships. Whether that's down to self-image, or childhood events, or anything else - I just can't stand the thought of doing anything sexual with another person. Sadly, most people don't seem to like the idea of physically platonic coupling...

[crystalgaze]

I have this as well somewhat. It's due to not knowing what the other person will do.

My body is not where I want it to be at the moment, so that adds to the issue. The simple solution is to tone up, so I lose the body fat I don't like (with the main reason being I don't want how my body looks to be used as ammunition against me).

I'm also a bit afraid of men. My nerves often get the better of me for no reason when they are too close to me, whether the guys are old + greying or around my age. (I freak out when they violate my personal space.)

As for women, I'm afraid of them being too close to me (either physically or as friends) due to backstabbing & being called gay because I sport a shaved head regularly (which is not often considered pretty on a woman).

[panguin0]

there are these women out there who will fix your intimacy problems for $20/$100/crack and leave without any strings attached. have you tried one of those?

NOT COOL

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( panguin0 )))))))))))))))))))

True, but a long time ago. That is the past now.

Warmie

[koalaburger]

I used to rush things too much and self disclose too early. I find developing intimacy and trust, with friendships as well as relationships, is a slow process of revealing parts of ourselves and seeing if the person either responds in kind or tries to fix you or stores it away to use against you. I also now know how to end the relationship if it is not working.

[Obayan]

Each relationship we get into we need to set our own boundaries of what we are comfortable with. And the boundaries for each one will be different as each relationship is different. Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them is key to developing healthy relationships.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Along with trust in yourself and the other person. Being who you are, always

Jeanie

[crystalgaze]

I've been doing some thinking & I think I now know what has caused the paralysis for me (regarding this subject).

How I feel comes from many different things. In no particular order, it's:

1. If I went with a guy, I would be teased if I were expressive/aggressive. (In many instances, with the teasing, I don't think it was intended to be mean or whatever, but I became badly self-conscious.)

2. I had trouble walking the middle line. Often times, I did not know what to do or even if I knew, how to do it.

(If I'm interested, then the issue was not to over/under do it, so the guy thinks badly of me--wh*** & all the others you can imagine.)

3. Reconciling my ideas of what a lady was & things she does/doesn't do & then reconciling that with sexuality was/still is a struggle. (e.g. reconciling what religion may say, people may say, worried about image/how things will look, maintaining an honorable reputation, etc.)


****The good news is I found a guy who doesn't tease me or do things that would make me feel self-conscious in any way & so I am very much pleased. Thank goodness it's over, for now at least.