My Life So Far

[EternallySilent]

Hello. I'm not a good person. My nam is sam, and I'm a 15 year old excuse for a human. Just so you know, I don't expect any response to this or any sympathy. I brought my misery upon myself. I'd like to rant for a bit, if that's all right.

My childhood was seemingly painless; I was born to a middle class family, I had an older bother and two good parents. I made straight A's, had a few good friends and was even liked by all of my teachers. By 3rd grade I had my life figured out. I was destined to be an author, with a vocabulary my teachers applauded as 'exquisite'. Unfortunately, my plans would crumble just a year or two later.

A new girl moved in next door around 4th grade orientation. She was my age and seemed nice enough. She had a friendly family and we got along fairly well, but for some reason I was always reluctant to befriend her. My mother thought I was simply being shy, so she forced me to invite the girl (I'll name her Christina) over several times. We were very different. She was a wakeboarder and I was a soccer player. She loved dogs and I was a cat person. She hit puberty in 4th grade. I hit it in late 7th.

We eventually became 'friends' and I trusted her with all my secrets. Things went downhill around the end of 5th grade. She was already 12 years old, making her the 'cool' girl when she transferred to my school. I noticed that she hung out with me less and less, and when we did hang out her jokes were often rude, racist or directed at me.

The worst day of my life was April 7, 2006. She invited me over for a game of 'Truth or Dare'. Long story short, she molested me in several demeaning ways. Being the stupid 11 year old I was, I told my friend Kayla snippets of the story, leaving out the most humiliating details.

Kayla is a whole other story, so to keep it short; She was only my friend because she felt bad for me. My best friend Madison was her best friend as well, and when Madison moved, Kayla and I went on like we'd been best friends for years. Unfortunately, she was better friends with Christina than me. She told Christina what I said.

Christina tortured me for 3 years after that, both emotionally and physically.

I told my mom that I didn't want to go near her and that she was a bad influence, so I escaped most interactions out of school. But, being the naive middle schooler I was, I stayed with Kayla's group, despite the torment. Finally, in late 7th grade I got sick of Kayla never inviting me to anything, having inside jokes I didn't understand and acting like Christina was God. I sat with a nice girl named Melissa. She was odd, really skinny and into 'emo' music. The day I left my old table, I got a phone call.

Me: Hello?

Kennedy (Christina's popular friend): Hey Sam.

Me: Um, Kennedy?

K: Christina, Kayla, Brittani, Lauren and Cali are all here with me, and we have something to say to you.

Me: uh...

K: We hate you. All of us. We were all so glad you left the table. Now you and freaky Melissa can make out! We all know you're lesbian. and you have the grossest face I've ever seen. Plus, it's called braces. Your teeth are nasty as f***. But you've got a really cute nose! (laughs) Just kidding. Your nose is f****** huge, b****. And really, get a life you ugly freak. Kayla just feels bad for you because you have no friends. Do us all a favor and go to hell.

*Call Ended*


I didn't even cry. I knew everything they said was true, so I just accepted it. Kayla no longer spoke to me, but gave me a sympathetic look as Christina poured a slushy down my shirt the next day.

I'm not going to go into detail, but Christina humiliated me too many times to count, these are just ones that I remember the most clearly. Oh, at one of the sleepovers I went to at her house she and Kayla poured toothpaste in my hair. It congealed and I was forced to cut off over 5 inches.

It didn't end here. I told my mother about Christina's torment. Not all of it, but enough. I asked if I could go to some sort of therapist. She said no. I cut myself for the first time that night. Just a couple slender cuts, nothing that wouldn't heal quickly. It hurt, and I didn't get anything out of it. No reassurance.

For the remainder of 7th and 8th grade I was virtually friendless. Even Melissa had several good friends, and everyone called her 'emo' and 'scene'. I clung to her, looking for someone to vent to.

Melissa brought out my inner nerd. We both loved pokemon and kid's shows and she thought I was funny. Later on, we both liked anime and decided we were going to get boyfriends. (She has a boyfriend of 9 months, and I'm still hated.)


By early 8th grade I'd already stolen alcohol from my parents, gotten drunk and tried to kill myself. Things were hitting rock bottom.

There is way too much to go into, I could be here for hours just explaining everything that contributed to my depression, but to sum up I'll make a brief list


1. Christina
2. The sexual confusion her abuse caused me
3. Kayla and friends
4. My parents obsession with grades and only grades
5. My mom's dismissal of my depression
6. Melissa's boyfriend telling me he likes me
7. Me being a b**** and not branching out
8. The people around me
9. My lack of motivation
10. My brother, the one person who listened stopped listening
11. I feel alone
12. I'm a compulsive liar (I tried to tell the truth in this to the best of my ability)
13. paranoia
14. Consequences from lies and secrets I've told
15. Knowing that life gives you no second chances



There are many others. Honestly, looking back at my writing my paranoia is setting in. I'm afraid you are all going to laugh at me, or say I'm not depressed. I don't want to be depressed, but the title gives me comfort. It's truth in my web of lies...


I am getting a little better at least. But I feel as if I'm running a slow mile on a rocky trail. I started sprinting forward, but as I got closer I slowed down. Now it seems I'm crawling towards the finish line, close enough to see it, but still in danger of losing my way.

There, I'm done. If you read this far, I applaud you.

Sorry to waste your time,
Sam

[Obayan]

I'm so sorry you have had to endure so much pain at such an early stage in life. If your parents won't help you get to a counselor, maybe you can talk to the school counselor. I think you really do need to talk to someone.

[Monty]

You are much too young to have gone through all that you have had to experience so far.

I am also wondering if you could talk to your school counsellor. If you were a little bit older I would suggest talking to your family doctor, but I imagine then your parents would have to be involved.

It is tough to solve anyone else's problems but we are here to listen.

I would strongly suggest that you find some professional help.

Before I sign off I want to make sure I mention that I don't think that I would look forward to you being a part of this forum and hearing from you.

[EternallySilent]

Well, i kind of found out that my mom read my diary. She found out about all the stuff I wrote and more. i don't know how to describe her reaction. She seemed upset and we talked for a while. She even seemed to understand things for a while. Then, this morning things went right back to the way they are now. She was obsessed with my school work, grades, exercise and eating habits but not really how I was feeling. It was disappointing, but I am seeing a psychologist now. My mom seems to hate that her "Perfect" child isn't so perfect after all, but she reluctantly agreed to let me see my brother's psychologist. I'm still angry at her for invading my privacy, but it feels nice having someone actually care.

[Monty]

When my daughter was about your age, her dad started reading he emails. I am not sure how he got the password but he told me some of the things that she had written.

At the time I thought that was a gross invasion of her privacy.

I am sorry that your mom was just sympathetic for a while. Did she say that she suspected that something is wrong.

Out of all of this I am glad that you are now seeing a psychologist. Maybe it will be someone that you can share your feelings with, who isn't as close to the situation as your mother is.

Hope that this works out, and let us know.