I never had a lot of friends and if I'm honest I still don't consider anyone I knew a friend. I had 2 guys with whom I was always hanging out with before I went to high school. Although it seemed they wanted to help me they were not as friendly as I would like it. They were constantly making fun of me and one of them got me into smoking weed, he was using me to get money... The other one although wasn't using me was still an asshole. I broke any contact I had with them and I don't want to ever see them again...
Now I only have one mate with whom I do something and if I'm honest hes a bit on the stupid side. He just isn't smart. Hes even dumber than an average person and he let me down numerous times too but I don't really have anyone else so I just tolerate it so that I'm not totally alone.
Never had a girlfriend. Don't know if I'm socially awkward since I never even tried to get one. Don't even know where to find them or how to approach. And even if I somehow managed to get to know one I would probably just waste her time.
Sometimes I feel good, but sometimes this depression really gets me. Usually I get them because I get upset about being alone but not this time. You see I'm soon gonna finish my school and I have to choose what exams I need to take quickly. The problem is I hate every subject I'm taught in school and everything that is connected with it. The only profession I could remotely picture myself in was piloting some aircraft. This dream was shattered when I found out what one needs to become one. You need at least 70000 euro. I'm a poor bastard and never ever will get a sum even close to that. I already plan to study somewhere in EU where it's free since I can't afford anything. My family doesn't even have a car so payed education is not gonna happen. So feeling depressed I decided to cheer myself up and took a test to find at least some professions that would suit me, who knows maybe I'm going to like one of them. After an hour answering 400 questions I found out that the only profession where I get average results in is laying pipes. I felt so bad that just cried afterward.
It just seems that nothing is going the way I want it to go. Every year I go to my cousin for a month who lives in another country and it's pretty much the only time I ever get any social contact I actually enjoy. We mostly drink and meet up with his friends. There everyone likes me and we always have something to talk about. I even had a girl that I really like there. We talked with her a lot and I still think about her sometimes.
This year however I couldn't make it there because of financial reasons. I tried getting my cousin here saying I will pay for it all (I saved about 200$) but his father refused it.
My so called mate went abroad for the whole summer and all the time before he promised me he would take me with him. I didn't even ask it was his idea. But then he somehow made all the documents himself and just went off alone. I'm not really mad at him but still.... I spent the whole summer alone in my home without even getting out... I though about going to gym bu then again the monthly cost scared me away. Ive applied for driving lessons in my school and now I really want a car. But it won't happen...
The only time in the whole summer when I felt good was a week in Germany my school organized. I was there with some people from my class and I got really close with one guy there. We were talking all the time with him. I wasn't talking to him 2 years when he was with me in the same class but I really got to know him good in this week. I met so many nice people in Germany, everyone was very friendly and I so wanna go back there, some guys even invited me to live in their house but It's just not possible. Spent every day drinking and having fun with them. It was the only time I ever had some fun without my cousins help...
Now I'm back to school and I hoped that I will at least become friends with that guy I was in Germany with but no... He always has no time ... We talk for some time in school but it's just not the same. It was much better in Germany... maybe the beer was working I don't know.
I get so depressed all the time. I see people in the same age as me constantly having fun with friends, drinking going to parties, meeting girls and stuff. I just always feel alone. I'm constantly sitting in front of my pc playing games. Now I can't even do that since my sister went to UK with the laptop.
I try to do homework and get good grades but I fail every time. I get distracted very easily and just can't make myself do anything.
I have no hope for the future and sometimes I just want it all to end....
I was even thinking joining the army after school, maybe they will make a human out of me but my physical form is pathetic. I'm 1m83cm tall and only weigh 50 kilos. No matter how much I eat I still look like a skeleton and can't gain any weight. I have no confidence or anything.
I just can't find a reason to live since I'm sad all the time. I can't do the stuff I like too since I hate pretty much everything and the stuff I would enjoy costs money...
All I want is start anew. Somewhere in EU. In a real country not this hellhole. Its just bad here. But I can't find anything I would choose as a future profession besides being a pilot...
I just ... don't know... feel so pathetic lol
I want to have fun but I cant. Everyone who knows me thinks I'm very quiet and closed. And because I hang around with my mate some also think I'm as stupid as him.
They have no idea really. As some have witnessed in Germany I'm quite fun when I'm a little drunk. What I also liked there that I was special. Everyone was talking to me since I was speaking German better than anyone else. Everyone talked to me and hanged around me. Was so
nice... But now I'm here again... feeling useless and pathetic...
Sorry for the ramblings I could continue all night but my head hurts from being sad for so long... or maybe cause it's 2:38 AM
