The makings of me... (triggering)

[enigma21]

This is the story of how I came to be here. This is the makings of me...

Born in August 1988 to a mother who had concieved me by accident I was given to my grandma who was to take care of me for the first 5 years of my life. My father died in a car accident when I was 3 months old so the story goes....

My mother met a man when I was five years old who was to live with us for the next 11 years, he said he loved me as his own and would adopt me. He was the worst father figure I could have hoped for, a aggresive drunk who loved vodka more than us. The arguing was constant. I watched him kick his pregnant sister until she bled and lost her unborn baby. I was about 10 years old then. He would push me to the ground if I was "in his way" and I have been in 2 car accidents due to his drink driving.

His eldest son sexually abused me for 6 years until I was 14. He liked to touch me and kiss me among other things and would do this in front of his younger brother. He liked to beat me and once strangled me until I almost blacked out. The reason for my strangulation was because I refused to have sex with his friend while he watched. My step dad left shortly after attempting to attack me one night when he was drunk. I never heard from him again, it was like I was never really part of his life....

My first trip to Jamaica saw my cousin sexually abuse me. I was eight he was 13. This continued on my second and third visit with him trying to rape me at 14 on my uncles sofa when we were home alone. He told me he loved me. My family noticed his affections toward me and still think it's funny and often laugh about him "fancying" me, if only they knew... A family friend came into my room one night while I slept (at this same uncles home), I woke when I felt tugging on my night dress, I will never know what he did to me but I woke to find his hands all over me...

At 15 my childhood home which was on a large estate burnt to the ground. I was devastated. I watched my grandmas ceiling cave in as the place burned. It was just a few weeks before Christmas and it was so cold. I spent the night in a car and others slept on the ground where they had stood watching their homes burn to ash. We were homeless, no clothes, no money, no nothing. We were given a house that had stood vacant for over 6 months and there was no electricity, no running water and no heating. I curled up in a old curtain pulled from the window and cried myself to sleep. I fell in love at 15 too, with a boy called Alex but it was short lived...

At 16 I met a man who I thought loved me. He was cruel. He would beat me, degrade me, humilate me and rape me and psychologically abuse me almost on a daily basis. I spent alot of time in clinics making sure I didnt concieve his child. I was controlled by him in every way possible by him down to the clothes I could wear. I had to walk 10 steps behind him in the street and he would drag me across the road by my hair at times. If I wanted to go out I had to ask and tell him where I was going and why and then he would put me on curfew.

He used to pin me to the cold wooden flooring and brainwash me. He would tell me I was a bad person who was very sick and that he was the only person who could help me. He told me the abuse was my fault and that I deserved it. It was my fault that he hit me as I pissed him off a lot he said. He told me I was worthless and that no other man would ever want me, only he could love me and take care of me and the abuse was only to keep me "in check" while he made me "better". I would listen to these "teachings" for hours lying helplessly under him. Other times he might let me sit in a corner while he spoke and I would often rock and forth all the while. I was convinced all the things he did to me were well deserved punishment and he actively encouraged me to kill myself telling me I would not be missed and that no one would even notice I was dead. At that time I began to SI and took my first OD. He was stripping away my being and taking apart my self worth and self esteem bit by bit.

I found the courage to split from after a nasty physical fight in which I had tried to kill him. Something in my mind had snapped that day and I was no longer passive and unresponsive. I decided I wanted to live and not in the way I was with him.

After the split he stalked me over 6 months, letters, calls, text messages, upto 30-50 a day. The one day it all stopped. I didn't see him or hear from him.

18 months later he came back. I was washing up one night and looked out of the window, there he was. Standing in the rain staring up at me. He would stand outside my home for hours on end at night in the pouring rain. He bought flowers and seemed to turn up everywhere I was. I lived in fear, I wasnt safe at home or outside. I stopped going outside and didn't go to college. I stayed locked away in my house with the blinds closed. I panicked every time the door knocked. The police were called and one the second occasion he was arrested. He told them he was my boyfriend and I had invited him over!

From prison he sent me death threats and he attacked me once in the street while on bail. After hours spent with police and attempting to prepare for a court case against him he was convicted for another unrelated crime and sent to a mental health facility indefinatly. Despite this I would panic when I saw someone who looked like him in the street or imagine I had seen him on a bus or outside my home. I was a shadow of my former self by this time. I was bitter, angry, miserable and volatile. I didnt know who I was any more. I often had outbursts of rage and/or violence but only ever towards men that I felt threatened by.

I refused to answer the door even after I had moved 200 miles from where I had lived during all this. The letters still came and he sent me birthday cards. He told me that no matter where I went he would find me and come for me when he came out. He told me he was going to rape me and tattoo my body with his name and make me have his child. 6 years on and I have only just started to answer my door but I do still panic at times especially if I am not expecting anyone.

Sometime later I was punched in the face by a man I had never met before because I refused to give him my phone number. He knocked my clean of my feet into a road where I hit my head. No one helped me.

At 19 I fell pregnant with Mya aka Moo and my family hated me for it especially my grandma. She made my life hell, told me i was fat everyday for 9 months....thats when my complex with food began and I developed a distorted image of myself, often feeling so ugly I would refuse to go out.

After a very traumatic birth which saw me loose 5 pints of blood and mya almost strangled by her cord I quickly became post natally depressed even though I would never admit it at the time. I had no support from anyone. Mya's father also began to treat me badly as my depression worsened and wasn't at all supportive.

Then in March 2009 Alex my first love came back for me. It was a dream come true. He promised me the world and a life time of happiness and I had never stopped loving him. He had moved 100 miles to be with me again. Alex asked me to marry him and we became engaged. Two days later his body is found on a train line. He had jumped from the bridge, taking his life. Deverstation hit like a lead weight. I have never shed so many tears. He had been severely depressed and it had gotten the better of him. I never got to see his body to say goodbye, his family stood me up that day.

At Alex's funeral his family ignored me. I was never told where his ashes were to be kept/scattered. Never even got to keep the chain I had bought him and he never took off. He was identified by it as he was wearing it that fateful day. All I wanted and still want is for him to come back, I want him back. That was the last straw, I couldn't take any more pain. That sent me on my fall into severe depression.

So many questions, no answers. These are the main events that have taken place in my short 22 years of life, there is more, other memories that haunt me, many far too graphic for me to be able to write here.

I have attempted to end my own life once since the first time. My family know nothing of my illness, I live alone with Mya and I do my best to keep going despite how hard it can be. I have hope that oneday I will be free of the pain I live with and be at peace with my past.

I thank all those in the chat room who have helped me to continue breathing each day.

This is the makings of me...

Enigma

[Peep212]

(((enigma))) Wow, what can I say about that life you have had up until now? As I ws also sexually abused at one point in my life, the same feelings you have talked about I remember all too clearly. My TP put me onto a book that really did help me, and even prepared me for facing down my abuser. The book, "The Courage to Heal Workbook" by Laura Davis was an imense help to me. And if you ever want to vent to an understanding ear, you know how to find me. Hugs

[BlueberrySman]

i feel so sorry for you and i also admire you at the same time. you have had a much tougher time than me but your still going. you are amazing im my eyes. i wish you the very best, i do. because i see great strength in you and you deserve to be happy.

i hope can overcome your past and find happiness.

[Mich]

Your story is heartbreaking. So much tragedy in the life of someone so young. I also admire your strength to keep on going and raise your baby daughter. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[enigma21]

I'm trying to find my feet but I always seem to be getting nowhere. Passed round from professional to professional it seems no one will help me to tackle my problems... Just takes these pills its seems they are saying, that will make it all ok...

I feel my life is going nowhere, I sit home lonely and feeling worthless day in day out. The "friend" I had has dropped me accusing me of being a shitty friend who allows herself to be taken by some "illness" and who makes things up for the attention... I hurt so much over that comment.

My mom continues to call my stupid and tells me to snap out of it and then dismisses me and my grandma continues to taunt me and talk about me behind my back to other family members. She makes out Im a bad mom, she seems to hate how I failed her by falling pregnant and its like shes making me serve a death sentance for it. It seems no one cares at all, no one has the tome of day to hear my cries, so I am alone.

I hate my self more and more every day and I still loathe my apperance, I see something so fat and so ugly in that mirror. I just cry. I cry so much.

My sleep is worsening again and the vivid dreams are now vivid nightmares. I still see alex too, he is always so happy in my dreams but the reality that he is gone when I wake is so hard to bare. I miss him so very much. I would do anything to have him back.

Maybe I am stupid, maybe I shouldnt complain but I know how I'm feeling, this isnt living, I'm exisiting and I feel so lost, so alone. Somedays I wake up and I cry because I hoped I wouldnt. Its all just getting too much I guess.

My uncle has been trying to find me a therapist so I am still hopeful of help somewhere along this dark road.

[MindBlank]

[color=violet]((((((((Enigma)))))))))) << That was the biggest hug in the whole wide world ever.

I don't know how you managed to survive all this in one piece and manage to become a fab mother and person, but I respect you so much.
I'm sorry you had to go through so much hurt and loss, and still are going through. Sometime, it will get better. You can maybe choose which family you go see and hopefully your uncle will find you a good therapist soon.

I can tell you are a very selfless person by how much you dedicate to us in the chatroom and we really appreciate it.
If you ever want to talk, I'd love to be here for you.

MindBlank
xx

PS I looked up your picture, you are stunning! And as for Mya.. wow, she's just precious, isn't she? You two are adorable![/color]

[enigma21]

(((((mindblank)))))

You are so kind, thank u for your words. Its people like U that keep me coming here and wanting to keep the room safe for. Bless your heart.

Anytime u wish to talk my door is open also xx

[justin]

You have been through alot you deserve to be happy and i know it gets to you what others say but all i can suggest is dont listen to them and try not to let it consume you like it does me its no way to live i know...i do not know how you look but i do not need to in order to know that you are a beautiful person on the inside and out. sorry im not much help but i just thought id tell you what i thought i hope you can pursue happiness and find joy in life if your not capable of it now.

[erika/r|ka]

*hugs* enigma

you're a strong girl and i always loved talking to you...sorry for not being there right now but remember you're always in my thoughts. I hope to talk to you again soon...please take care of yourself and just want to tell you that you're far from stupid, or an attention seeker - love you loads

erika

[enigma21]

*hugs* justin.

Thank u for your words, means alot. You too also deserve happiness to. I appreciate the time u take to ask if im ok in chat. You are a good person and despite your problems it shines brightly through. Dont for get how loved u are within the room.

Enigma

[enigma21]

(((((((((((((((((((erika)))))))))))))))))))


I miss u so very much. Appreciate u reading my exisitance so far and all the reassurance u have given and continue to give me.Lord knows the good soul you are and I hope he continues to bless you with your good heart. U are in my thoughts are, take very good care and please stay in contact with me. Love u lots.

[enigma21]

This has been a steady decline of my mental health for the last 6 weeks. Fits of crying for no reason, severely low mood, sleep trouble, loss of appetite, no desire to take care of myself or do anything really. Its got to a point now where I have had enough of living each day in torment. The thoughts are back with a vengence and I spent much of this week crying, burstin out in anger and crying. I am hanging on by a thread. I so scared. I jus cant live thiis way, I just cant cope

[Monty]

Just having a loved one commit suicide would be a back-breaker for a lot of people.

Put that along with all that you have endured in your life and I am like others how of said how much they admire you for carrying on.

Before I sign off I want to make the statement, you are certainly not stupid and complaining. You came to this site and told us your story.

The whole idea of the forums is to support each other.

I hope that you come and share with us, often.

[Obayan]

((( enigma ))) you are so love sweetie.

[enigma21]

((((((monty)))))) ((((((obay))))))

Thank u