May trigger.

[MindBlank]

Hello.

My dad left when I was only a baby, so I grew up with my fabulous mother in Holland. I turned to her for everything. I wasn't a very sociable child, so I spent most of my days with her. When I was four or so, she married a man who became my stepdad. He was friendly toward me, although I always felt he never did love me. They had three children together, my three little brothers. When I was eight, she was raped and murdered. They never did catch the person.

After this, I began to act out. I was never a goody-two-shoes, but I was a lot for only my grieving stepdad to handle. I was getting into touble with the police at eight years old. Once, I (accidently) set the kitchen on fire because I was mad and, well.. in the kitchen. My stepdad finally came to the end of his rope and, saying that I was a danger to his children, took off with them and escaped to a new continent. He left pretty much everything behind at the house, including me. After about a week, somebody must have noticed and called on me, because I was taken into foster care.

I didn't have much family left, the only relative left being an uncle in england. At nine, I moved in with him. It was really hard learning the language, I had had some lessons in school but pretty much knew nothing. So I felt rather alone and unable to communicate with people. My uncle began abusing me sexually only two weeks after I arrived. I hated having the photos the worst. I was taught to withstand torture, which I won't go into detail about. I was taken to places, I don't even know where, friends, bars, brothels it could have been for all I know, by my uncle to do things. When I told the police, they believed I was making things up and blamed it on what had happened to my mum. I started to SI at about 10, and I became addicted.

When I was 12 years old, I found out one, that I had AIDS, and two, that I had passed it on to my uncle. I was a murderer. Am. [I figure it came from when I was raped at 7.]

Recently, things havent been so good for me either. I ran away from my uncle and ended up on the streets, looking forward to coming to this site and to talk to a friend on here most of my time, at an internet cafe. But I had to earn money, the only way I knew how.. Some very bad things happened to me while on the streets. About one month after, I SI but it was really bad. It got so far i awoke in hospital, they noted it as a suicide attempt (which I had made soe in the past). It turned out I was pregnant. Four months. With the complications, the results of incest, the possiblity of passing on AIDS, and everything about the conception of the baby and my state of mind, I wasn't sure about having it, but I decided to keep her. The hospital decided I couldn't just be let back out on the streets, and thought it would be bst for me to send me to a mental institution. I did not agree. I got myself in a right state one night and overdosed on some drugs I got my hands on.

I lost my baby girl. That's murder, twice now. I was sent to the institution for about a week. I despised it. I was released to my uncle again.

Even if nobody ever reads this, that fet really good to start getting out.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( MindBlank ))))))))))))))))))))

First, welcome to the forums. Please keep posting for there are wonderful chatters here that do care and will give all the support they can.

Second, I read, all of it, and I cried for you and with you. I will give my support and my thoughts and prayers. Wish there was a way to do more, but caring is important. That you will receive here, no questions asked.

Keep posting, it does help to vent, release all that builds up.

Warmsoul

[MindBlank]

thanks warmsoul



your comment was much appreciated

(((((((Warmsoul)))))))

[enigma21]

(((((((((((((mindblank))))))))))))))))))

Again, welcome to our chat room and fourms.

I am speechless by your story, I am so sorry for all that has happened to you. You are a lovely warm person and a good friend to me despite I havent known you so long. I also have cried for you, someone like you shouldnt go through such things.

If you ever need to talk about anything, anything at all dont hesitate to contact me. Im sorry I cant do more, if i could take your pain away I would in a heartbeat.

Much love to you x

[MindBlank]

thankyou en for that

not so many people people say that kind of nice stuff to me anymore and you being there really means the world xx

Thanks for listening, much appreciated

xxxxx

[justin]

i can not give you any answers to any of your problems but at the very least i hope your able to overcome your issues and be happy with yourself and are capable of enjoying things even if not able to enjoy life itself currently.
I have been in and out of hospitals for suicidal thoughts myself i self harm but not severe and was able to stop i think. You did not deserve any of the things that happened to you sometimes life can be so cruel to those that are so innocent and undeserving but then again i don't think anyone deserves any sort of pain in this world that gets dished out to them including the ones who inflict it on others. I dont agree that your a murderer life has been cruel to you as it has been to many others you are not alone even if you feel alone in your suffering i can understand your reaction to it to a certain extent i was going to kill myself today but instead i think i will just leave my family and my home for maybe an hour or for good i am having trouble living with the person i have become and i dont want to take it out on my family any more. I was only molested once when i was 14 or 15 by a man who i thought was a positive figure in my life but that still haunts me to this day so i can relate in away to your abuse but i can never begin to understand the mental anguish it has caused you i only know about me. I only hope that you are still capable of feeling human emotion as i am not other then from my past traumas even if they are what you view as negative feelings being able to feel is a good and positive thing regardless times can be tough but even though im convinced otherwise i dont believe suicide is ever the answer but learning to live life again not just existing or surviving and attempting to gain as much joy and happiness as possible should be primary goals in our lives i dont think there is an if thats possible i think it is more like when it will be possible.... well i feel as though im ranting i wish you the best.

[Monty]

Read your posting this morning.

Wish I could do something to help (the story of your life is horrific).
Others have said that you should vent here.

I can tell you, without a doubt, that this is a safe place to share your innermost thoughts. We may not be able to fix things but we will listen.

[Danceaway]

I just wanted to say how brave I think you are for sharing your story. For me, when I write something that happened to me down it makes me relive it like it just happened and it stirs up a lot of feelings you pushed down. For you to have made it to the point where you can talk about it is a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Hang in there:D

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( justin )))))))))))))

Agree with comments above mine.

Warmie