((((((((((((((( justin ))))))))))))))
Believe in your girlfriend and your family. Listen to them for as I see it they love you more than you know. Guess that is the key to so much, knowing that you are loved and needed by those you love. They aren't giving up, thank goodness.
We care here, please remember that. Venting here has helped me and so many others, keep venting, keep thoughts going and if you can, believe in us here, we have suffered so much and know where you are coming from.
Life, worth the fight, or I feel it is.
((((((((((((((((((( justin )))))))))))))) extra hug, concern, thoughts and prayers coming to you from me.
Warmie
about justin h "trigger"
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
trigger
im sitting here with a knife i want to kill myself so badly everyone is asleep and unaware that im at it again ive been trying to od every day for a week
during this time when im at my worst i was given a baby kitten to take care of i named her lulu she is grey with white paws tummy and chin i dont know how im going to take care of a kitten when im in so much pain and cant take care of myself day to day if i was not fed i probably would just stop eating.
i should have died in iraq thats the only thing going on in my head all day long all i can feel is pain sadness and grief my therapist said its ok for me to cut if it will keep me from killing myself or ending up in the hospital.
So i convinced my family to let me have knives back because he said it was ok to cut myself now i have a good way to kill myself. So i found a great person on veterans benefits support on facebook i think she is really going to help me with my compensation and pension apointment. anyways thats it before i post more bad things i dont want to trigger anyone i just want to kill this useless sack of flesh and fade away for good.
during this time when im at my worst i was given a baby kitten to take care of i named her lulu she is grey with white paws tummy and chin i dont know how im going to take care of a kitten when im in so much pain and cant take care of myself day to day if i was not fed i probably would just stop eating.
i should have died in iraq thats the only thing going on in my head all day long all i can feel is pain sadness and grief my therapist said its ok for me to cut if it will keep me from killing myself or ending up in the hospital.
So i convinced my family to let me have knives back because he said it was ok to cut myself now i have a good way to kill myself. So i found a great person on veterans benefits support on facebook i think she is really going to help me with my compensation and pension apointment. anyways thats it before i post more bad things i dont want to trigger anyone i just want to kill this useless sack of flesh and fade away for good.
There's a lot in life I don't believe in, but one thing I hold dearly to my heart is that human are inherantly good creatures. Deep inside, we are good people. Some deeper than others, but it's still there. We all have value. We all have worth. Even you. You are valuable. And even though you may not see it yet, someday you will. Please hold on until that day comes to you. Talk to those around you. Tell them what is going on with you. Get some help justin.
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dissolved_girl
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 2:59 pm
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daffodilly
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
- Location: Alabama
Justin,
I know you say you don't want to go in the hospital before your C&P meeting... but it sounds as if it might actually be a good thing?
You have suffered so much, I only want you to be able to get the help you so desperately need.
Take care of yourself. I'm so glad you have a girlfriend who cares about you so much.
you are on my mind so often. I just want you to know that you are not completely alone. i am pulling for you.
I know you say you don't want to go in the hospital before your C&P meeting... but it sounds as if it might actually be a good thing?
You have suffered so much, I only want you to be able to get the help you so desperately need.
Take care of yourself. I'm so glad you have a girlfriend who cares about you so much.
you are on my mind so often. I just want you to know that you are not completely alone. i am pulling for you.
trigger
hospital would be a bad idea for me in my current state i need to make as many appointments as possible and get as much outpatient therapy i can until im better inpatient treatment not only stops that process but it also re traumatizes me they tell me things like the VA might not cover your stay because your not service connected when im covered and we dont know if hes service connected or not when i obviously am and they try to prove that im not service connected so hard and that schizophrenia is the only thing wrong with me.
On a different note i have been up for 2 days after having a very real flashback when heading to the drive in theater. I thought i was in Iraq again and needing to watch out for ieds!! i swore i was back i thought the drive in was our base i even called my gf telling her to watch out for ieds and be careful. Im still stuck in it i don't know what this is i think we will get hit by a mortar any minute and need to jump up and do a head count or there is a sniper outside my window. My therapist told me to try and calm down but don't sleep until tonight i think hes nuts if im calming down anytime soon im going to pass out from exhaustion.
On a different note i have been up for 2 days after having a very real flashback when heading to the drive in theater. I thought i was in Iraq again and needing to watch out for ieds!! i swore i was back i thought the drive in was our base i even called my gf telling her to watch out for ieds and be careful. Im still stuck in it i don't know what this is i think we will get hit by a mortar any minute and need to jump up and do a head count or there is a sniper outside my window. My therapist told me to try and calm down but don't sleep until tonight i think hes nuts if im calming down anytime soon im going to pass out from exhaustion.
for once good news
C&P exam my therapist called me just now and told me the exam results where depression and PTSD and that im completely disabled. my childhood may have made me more vulnerable to ptsd but it was ultimately my service in iraq that caused everything! the examiner spent about 2 hours with me. This means that i have a very hi chance of being service connected and doctors will now begin to believe me that i really am struggling!
I think im very happy about this but i cant feel anything and im still so depressed and am very suicidal on the bright side something very good has happened to me.
I think im very happy about this but i cant feel anything and im still so depressed and am very suicidal on the bright side something very good has happened to me.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Veterans benefits support "When I see a person working a dead end job, I think "Maybe they are just working here long enough to get where they want to go in life!" When I see a soldier walking by, I think to myself "There goes a soldier that made a decision even knowing the risks and dangers involved with serving. They looked fear in the eye and... managed to get on the airplane anyway not knowing if they would return." For that,I salute you!"
i replied
Sometime in high school i decided all i wanted to do in life was be in the service i became a marine a few years later my mindset continued i was truly happy with who i was and what i was doing even after suffering with untreated mild depr...ession from the hazing and being singled out i still wanted to be a lifer there was just nothing more to me then what i was doing but being singled out never changed but the depression did but i was blinded by my training to suck it up i forced myself to continue my training even though my condition was deteriorating quickly.
I had no support because i was trained to act like a marine so well and that is what i did. But then i went to Iraq and everything changed because i could not force myself to get help that was the end of my military career that i had planed the strong marine i had become had completely faded away once we landed back in the USA i lost everything the will to be a marine enjoyment in life my feelings i made one last effort to reenlist but was shot down at the last signature and that is exactly when i knew i could no longer continue on and i then got out. I isolated myself for 3 years refusing that anything was wrong i almost never left the house and when i did i turned to the VA to fix this unknown problem i was diagnosed with major depression and ptsd along with many other things they could not decide on. To me my life ended in Iraq my condition just keeps getting worse and the VA don't know what to do. hmm sorry i just felt the need to get this out after reading i wish i could still be in the marine corps whenever a positive though intrudes on me they tell me to go back in but i know i can't.
i replied
Sometime in high school i decided all i wanted to do in life was be in the service i became a marine a few years later my mindset continued i was truly happy with who i was and what i was doing even after suffering with untreated mild depr...ession from the hazing and being singled out i still wanted to be a lifer there was just nothing more to me then what i was doing but being singled out never changed but the depression did but i was blinded by my training to suck it up i forced myself to continue my training even though my condition was deteriorating quickly.
I had no support because i was trained to act like a marine so well and that is what i did. But then i went to Iraq and everything changed because i could not force myself to get help that was the end of my military career that i had planed the strong marine i had become had completely faded away once we landed back in the USA i lost everything the will to be a marine enjoyment in life my feelings i made one last effort to reenlist but was shot down at the last signature and that is exactly when i knew i could no longer continue on and i then got out. I isolated myself for 3 years refusing that anything was wrong i almost never left the house and when i did i turned to the VA to fix this unknown problem i was diagnosed with major depression and ptsd along with many other things they could not decide on. To me my life ended in Iraq my condition just keeps getting worse and the VA don't know what to do. hmm sorry i just felt the need to get this out after reading i wish i could still be in the marine corps whenever a positive though intrudes on me they tell me to go back in but i know i can't.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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There is nothing left inside me that fuels my will to live for years now
I realized last week that i have had depression since i was in Japan back in 2003 and it was minor untreated and only got worse but never went away.
I realize i did not just loose my emotions in Iraq all at once but in order to continue being a marine i erased my entire being little by little until there was but a fragment left when i went to Iraq and though i was still able to feel things when i wanted to i was also very unstable and hardly hanging on.
I was unwilling and unable to admit there was anything wrong with the hard marine appearance i had created i was proud of who i was and what i was doing but i did not even realize what i was doing to myself to maintain that. The normal events that took place in Iraq forced the emotions that i had been burying for years both positive negative and everything else to to completely vanish.
I stoped taking my meds 2 weeks ago i was self harming and trying to od among other things just about every day they made it harder for me to resist my intrusive thoughts and impulses to act on them so i quit them all
my mental block wile off the meds is somewhat lifted and i can somewhat remember things that lead to my depression along with things that made it worse and i can somewhat recall how i coped with them and how they eventually negatively effected me in the long run im faced with the choice again to suck it up as a way to cope again as my therapist and frequent er/hospital visits have given me very little other option in my eyes and i am very stubborn.
I realized last week that i have had depression since i was in Japan back in 2003 and it was minor untreated and only got worse but never went away.
I realize i did not just loose my emotions in Iraq all at once but in order to continue being a marine i erased my entire being little by little until there was but a fragment left when i went to Iraq and though i was still able to feel things when i wanted to i was also very unstable and hardly hanging on.
I was unwilling and unable to admit there was anything wrong with the hard marine appearance i had created i was proud of who i was and what i was doing but i did not even realize what i was doing to myself to maintain that. The normal events that took place in Iraq forced the emotions that i had been burying for years both positive negative and everything else to to completely vanish.
I stoped taking my meds 2 weeks ago i was self harming and trying to od among other things just about every day they made it harder for me to resist my intrusive thoughts and impulses to act on them so i quit them all
my mental block wile off the meds is somewhat lifted and i can somewhat remember things that lead to my depression along with things that made it worse and i can somewhat recall how i coped with them and how they eventually negatively effected me in the long run im faced with the choice again to suck it up as a way to cope again as my therapist and frequent er/hospital visits have given me very little other option in my eyes and i am very stubborn.
i will try to reach out and continue fighting i don't know what anyone can do for me i suffer from major depression and ptsd that i know of however i minimize myself and make problems worse because i don't think my ptsd is severe or that bad i dont even think what triggered it should have i also think i stopped living in iraq and firmly believe i am now only existing in life i would like to change that some day before 2 months ago i could feel no emotion no joy or happiness nothing now emotions from my traumas haunt me but only in the form of great overwhelming pain and sadness just this morning even though i cant feel it i lost control of myself and rage took over as i attacked my own brother for no reason at first verbally then i physically tried to kill him eventually attacking him with a hammer its a good thing i have 2 brothers as the other was able to keep breaking us up i dont remember it to well and blocked out just about everything that was said but i have never done that before only ever verbally when they broke me down in iraq but it is one of my largest fears when out among other people that i will just attack some random man that reminds me of any of my traumas or verbal/physical assaults or triggers me...i only lost 1 marine in iraq but that was wile i was in japan however i have survivors guilt from loosing one of the few marines who did not single me out and tried to get to know me. i Seen marines get blown up not up close but in the vehicle in front of me only once but it was enough to give me nightmares and flashbacks and make me think it should have been me instead i was only shot at once and had an rpg shot at our machine gun nest when we tried to rack out for the night one evening but i still see the tracers and fear enemy ambush to this day in my own backyard and in my room im watchful for ieds whenever we drive at night i mostly did night missions to repair ied holes in the road...i also get flashbacks of jackhammering i know its a joke but every time i was in a ied hole i thought i was going to die for sure but i worked my ass off as hard as i could being a marine at that point was all i had left due to my depression sucking the life out of me and i figured i might as well die working as hard as i could i out performed my squad leader and fellow marines by far doing that job but none of that matters... i know being molested and having a bad childhood made me more vulnerable to developing depression and ptsd but i still minimize myself for being such a weak marine to give in and now be called completely disabled by the VA that tears me apart so bad knowing nothing that bad happened to me that there is nothing physically wrong with me and am constantly told by doctors social workers nurses people i talk to that all i need to do is get a job or go to college. You can ignore me laugh at me or even try to help me if u feel i deserve it but i don't think i do as a marine i feel i am a pathetic fool that was unable to suck it up and failed miserably at being one as my fellow marines told me you don't deserve to be a marine and you don't deserve your rank. but im still proud that i was one just not proud of who i have become i feel as if im ranting but if you want to help me i feel like you need to know a little about how pathetic i am and what little has caused me to become this way whatever you decide to do thank you very much for trying and giving it some thought.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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