My life as a mother, wife, widow and gf

[OutsiderLooking4...]

I had a very happy and healthy childhood. I am 41 years old with 3 children, 18,19,22 and a 6 yr old step daughter. I had my children at a young age, married my late husband young and thought I'd live happily ever after. My depression first started when I was 20, my mother died of breast cancer just before my second son was born. It was unbelievably hard and I became depressed. I did seek counselling and it helped. I was diagnosed with situational depression. I had my moments and anniversary dates were very hard on me, but I stayed strong and focused on my kids who kept me going.

After 15 years with my husband we started to fight and things continued to go downhill, we separated and went for counseling, it didn't help in the beginning but after 3 months we both started to see the problems and agreed we could not live together at the moment but didn't want to end our relationship. We were very close spent a lot of time together as a family, he and I had many dates and things started to fall back into place. We both agreed we would get a new place together once our leases were up and we would start over again. That didn't happen. He was murdered by some psycho who we later found out had a long history of violence and manslaughter charges. That threw my world upside down and I hit an all time low. The guilt wrecked me, I thought I was to blame because if we were living together this would not have happened. Thinking of suicide myself I got help and went on meds, I wasn't the same again. My kids suffered dearly and I wasn't able to give them my 100% because I was not 100% myself. I tried my hardest to get them counseling and be there for them. It did bring us all closer together after the counseling sessions. We got through the worst of it, then my oldest son had a very exciting job opportunity, but it meant he would have to leave the province, I was excited for him, but at the same time heart broken.

I pulled up my big girl panties and decided it was time we all had some change and start a new. I started working again 3 years after my husbands death it was time. I met a man and we started dating. The younger 2 started to go threw separation anxiety because I was not always home and their big brother moved away. My youngest got in with a bad crowd and started using hard drugs, I only found out because he OD'd. My middle son started to withdraw from everything and everyone. I quit working to help the kids with their issues. My middle took to counseling the best, my youngest rebelled and hated the world etc. He refused to continue but I did, so I could try and help him. The counselors told me there wasn't much I could do, it ate me up day and night. It didn't matter what he did I was there for him, I tried to encourage positive thoughts etc. He did finally come around after 2 years of rebelling.

Threw that time I was happy with my new bf and didn't take meds I was on cloud nine, I did still have some bad days but don't we all? The kids grew to accept I was moving on, I told them I would always love their dad no matter what, no one could ever take that away, we had memories and those are ours no one else can change that. My new bf was not replacing their father he was just for me, because he made me happy and it was time I had that again from someone else.

So all was fine and dandy until this last year. I have again hit a low and not sure if I can keep it up. My kids both turned 18 and started drinking more (before they hid it from me). Now it leads to fights between them, my youngest and his gf always fight when they drink, she spends a lot of time here with him. They both work and are very hard workers and dedicated to their jobs, but come the weekend it's hell with all the fighting. I've called the police once and my youngest was arrested for assault. But I let him come back home because he said things would change. I have a hard time wanting to kick them out, simply because of all they have gone through and my guilt working back in, what happens if I make them move out and something happens to them? I would die. So that's one issue I am dealing with right now.
My second one is my bf. He has become distant and spends all his time playing his online computer game. Anytime I bring it up he gets mad at me, he'll tell me it's just a a game and he doesn't want to fight about it, it makes him happy. Well that game takes up more of his time then work and me put together. He spends maybe 3 hours out of 9 at work the rest he is home playing his game. Then as soon as he comes home he plays, he may take an hour break in the evening to eat supper or watch a TV show with me. Our sex life is non existent, it went from 5-7 times a week to maybe once a month now. I've tried everything to get his attention but nothing works. Seems the only time we communicate is when we fight about his gaming. He has many friends on there who it seems he'd rather talk and play with instead of spending time with me or his daughter. He ignores her most of the time, she spends a lot of time playing in her room or watching TV. I have to remind him to feed her, or wash her clothes etc. When we first moved in together we agreed I would take care of mine and he would take care of his daughter. It's not like I don't care for her, I really do love her, it's hard to get close to her now because I am worried about the fate of out relationship and I don't want her to be hurt of one day I am not a part of her life anymore. At one time I would do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.. But I stopped when he didn't appreciate it, he would make a mess and not even bother to clean up after himself, I'd do his and his daughters laundry wash and fold he just had to put it away. It never got put away it would end up on the floor then in the hamper because he didn't know what was clean or dirty anymore. I gave up and stopped doing everything for him and his daughter, it just gives him more game time if I am taking care of her, he can pull himself away and spend time and do things for her. My kids are young adults now, but I still do some things for them and spend time with them, even if it's just sitting and talking for an hour I cherish that.
Now I find myself depressed and have no more will or energy when it comes to me. I fake my emotions around my kids because they don't need to see my pain. They have been through enough.
I should finish this post now as it's probably too long already, I could really go on and on. It's kind of therapeutic typing this and knowing someone will read this and maybe understand what I am feeling. My bf just tells me I am insane, and it's not his fault I am depressed, he's not here to amuse me or help me with my depression. I am not sure if I am depressed or just unhappy with him.... Anyways thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice or whatever please let me know...

[Obayan]

I'm very sorry for all that you have been thru. I too am a mother whos children are grown a wife whos husband has passed. I'm trying to rebuild a life for myself again. Maybe we can help eachother in finding ways of dealing with all of this. But know that you are not alone in your struggles. There are a lot of good people here who genuiniely wish to help and care very much for you. We also have a good chat room here that you can go to and talk to people without being judged or anything.

[crystalgaze]

I am late to answer your post. From everything you've said, YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB. Alright? Now, pat yourself on the back for that, ya hear?

Onto the boyfriend, if I were in your shoes, I would walk away from him. If you'd like to try to be there for the young lady, if you can manage it, do so. If you don't feel emotionally strong to walk away from him, then start building your strength. That's what I did, and I walked away mine and have been happier for it. I do have my moments, but overall, I am happier and focusing more on my life, like I should be.

I don't drop everything I'm doing or going to do for him anymore. I also don't go out of my way to do things anymore for him. If he puts out for me, I put out for him, but I'm really not expecting anything.

It's time to focus on yourself. Don't give up, okay?

[justin]

i agree with crystal for the most part maybe you need to try and separate for a wile or have a heart to heart with him? I have played online games before that my xwife said ruined our relationship when i know it was not actually that because i was over in japan and she was the one distancing her self from me instead of talking to me about it but that's a different story. I hope things do work out for you good luck.

[OutsiderLooking4...]

Thank you all for the reply.

Obayan,

I'm sorry to read about your loss, I know for myself it doesn't matter how many years have passed it still hurts at times.
I did try to get into chat but it didn't work for me. I'll try again another day and maybe someone can help me with it, if I post what the problem is. It's too late now to try but I would really like to get in there and chat. It would be nice to chat with you and maybe we can help each other

crystalgaze,

Thank you For the moment I am still with him, I am building my strength so I can leave. I seen my doctor and have just started meds again and sleeping pills, the sleeping pills have already started to help I am not walking around like a zombie.
My plan is still to leave him, I am not happy with him and I really don't see things getting better anytime soon. The little one I am concerned about, I have to figure something out so it's not hard on her while we are together and once I leave.
I have stopped doing for him, he doesn't seem to care. He only cares about himself and his gaming. But it'll be his loss once I do leave. I'm trying to stay strong but in a way it still hurts even though I am the one wanting out of this relationship.

justin,

I've tried having heart to hearts with him but he doesn't seem to care, he says he does but then a hour or so later he's back to playing. Today I told him we don't even have a relationship, we are living as roommates with benefits and that's not what I want. Any time I bring up the gaming or how I feel he says he doesn't want to fight- meaning I don't want to talk about it.. I was really upset today and wanted to talk, he said he doesn't want to talk to me if I am going to cry and left it at that. We have said maybe 5 words to each other today. It's hard to talk to him while he's playing because he doesn't hear me or gets mad because he is on vent with his friends and can't talk to two people at the same time.
Gaming isn't terrible, it just sucks when it takes over your life and people forget about the ones who are important. I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and your gf, but I agree there has to be communication. It's just sucks my bf doesn't want to talk about anything other then his game and game friends.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( OutsiderLooking4 )))))))))))))))))))))

The only thing I know to say is, remember YOU. Have found in life that no matter what the heart and mind says, I have had to consider me. Actually put 'the me' ahead of other things.

Warmie