a long complicated story (trigger)

[aloneandcrying]

first i want to say thank you for taking time out of your schedule to read this. it means a lot.

so i think i will just jump right into it and i hope that i dont bore you.

i am 16. i have an older brother and two older sisters. however, my eldest sister was a stillborn. my parents only wanted three kids. so if she would have survived, i would not be sitting here typing this.

my mother tends to blame me for this. she constantly calls me worthless, pathetic, useless, and a pathetic excuse of an existance. these are only a few of the many things she calls me. nothing i do is ever good enough for her. im constantly ridiculed for not being 'perfect.' we get into screaming matches nearly everyday.

that has made a huge impact on me. im constantly putting myself down. and some friends of mine have brought it to my attention that i always seem to think that everyone else is already better than me. im constantly telling them i dont deserve this life.

but this is just the beginning of my problems. when i was 6 or 7, i was sexually abused. i would go to a daycare everyday. the babysitter had a son. i was his target. he was never caught and i never told anyone. my friends are starting to understand that something happened. i hate being touched now. i cringe from hugs and friendly pats on the back.

my family is not a typical family. at least i dont think so. im blamed for everything that goes wrong. and they never believe me. i have been blacking out more and more frequently. i have told my parents and they dont believe it. i have blacked out infront of them and they think im acting. i have hit my head numerous times from these. thankfully nothing serious has happened. i have blacked out behind the wheel and nearly was in a fatal accident. my little car almost became a hood ornament to a semi.

this has left me scarred. but my story doesnt end there. in middle school, one of my best friends committed suicide. i blame myself for her death. she started cutting, doing drugs, drinking, and i didnt want to be involved with that. so i leaft. she had no one to go to. i turned my back when she needed me the most. and because of that, she decided she had only one way out.

about 3 months after that, i started self harming myself. im in the process of quitting right now. my friends dont want to see me getting hurt like that. i have even gone as far to attempt suicide myself. but i failed. i was strong enough to finish it.

now im constantly dragging down my friends. my depressed moodswings and problems are overwhelming them, but they wont let me stop going to them. they can tell when something is wrong and will not stop until they find out what it is. i dont want to do that to them anymore.

im a lost, hurt, confused teenage girl. im sorry if i bored you or seem like a selfish kid that needs to just grow up and get over it. please tell me if i am. i didnt know where else to turn to. thank you for reading.

[Obayan]

First off, it's never ok to make someone else feel pain. Whether physical or emotional. And for your own family to do this to you is even worse. I hope you can find it within yourself to let you define who you are and what type person you are and not them.

Second, you are not to blame for what your friend did. Your friend made their own choice and made their own decision. You are not responsible for someone else's actions. You were going thru so much of your own pain how could you even begin to think of helping someone else with their own? You are not experienced enough or trained well enough to have dealt with the situation. Sometimes trying to help in a crisis situation when you aren't trained for it can do more harm than good. And they were definately in a crisis.

I do want to ask you to seek out help. Speak to a teacher, principal or school counselor or someone, anyone, that can help you. Going thru something as traumatic as what you are all alone is dangerous. Please seek out a counselor to talk to.

Sending you warm wishes and hugs.

[aloneandcrying]

I know I wasn't qualified to handle the situation, but turning away was a poor choice. I could have done something. Tried something. But I didnt.

And I am known to push aside my own problems for my friends. And I do do that. A lot. I know its probably not the smartest move, but I don't want to see that happen ever again.

Trying to find help scares me. I come from a small town. If you say something to one person, the entire town knows in the matter of minutes. And my parents would be furious if they knew I was even coming here.

I'm just lost... And scared... And confused... I find myself pretending to be someone I'm not out in public. I have different personalities with different people. I'm afraid of their reaction. And I'm afraid of what my parents would do.

Thank you for the advise and for reading. I just don't know how to function anymore or what to do.

[Obayan]

Quote [I have different personalities with different people. ]

I know how you feel. My daughter says she can tell who it is i'm talking to on the phone just by how i talk to them.

You aren't alone. We are here. We care about you.

((( warm wishes and hugs )))

[aloneandcrying]

Thank you.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. I have so many different personalities I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. And that sounds really pathetic since I'm only 16. I feel way older than my actual age.

I've actually told my best friends that I'm jealous of them just because they had a childhood. I had to grow up too soon, too fast.

And I'm really ashamed to say that I have started self harming again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm addicted to it. Any time something goes wrong, thats what I turn to.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( aloneandcrying ))))))))))))))))))

Through life I have found there is needs to wear the 'different' hats/faces. But inside I am still me.

We all make mistakes, but we don't make them all, please remember that.

As for when I am the telephone, I know my cat 'knows' when I am talking to one person. It gets funny, actually. Go figure.

Warmie

[aloneandcrying]

Thank you. I will try to keep that in mind. It's just sometimes it's hard to deal with it. I will push it aside. Then one day randomly itll just come back out of no where, and Ill have a complete meltdown. That happens more than I care to admit.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( aloneandcrying ))))))))))))))))

Just remember we are here for you! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, if all right to do.

Warmie