good days and bad

[hopefulness]

Hi there,
I should say I am not on anti depressents. I was prescribed them but had a bad reaction to them so decided not to continue.

Also, I have good days and bad - maybe border line bi-polar as my lows are very low (contemplate suicide low), and my highs are fine - full of energy, happy etc. I don't seem to have any inbetweens.

So... I had postnatal depression with my eldest, then prenatal depression and postnatal euphoria with the second child (only got 2). My xhusband cheated all through my marriage and I left him 10 years ago - walked out with nothing but the kids. He's done fine whilst I've struggled - financially and emotionally. My parents cut me out of their lives because I left although continued to support my kids, although they did try to have them adopted off me. I lost all my friends when I left too and have been pretty friendless since.

I got myself an education, a job and a house in the last 10 years but only have had 2 BF's - the first guy asked me to marry him then proceeded to dump me shortly before our wedding, and the second guy took his ex-wife back when she ran into financial difficulties (she's abandoned him and their kids). Unsuprisingly this has left me with very low self-esteem.

I have had quite a long too-friendly relationship with a married guy at work. For a while he led me to believe he'd leave his wife once his kids were older, but has now gone back on this. He has been my bestfriend in the last few years and we have shared a lot of fun times and I;ve helped him through several family problems (I never have asked him to leave and never assumed he would - although I have hoped and wished for it).

As a long time single parent (now middle-aged) I have financial issues (not major yet), and until my kids have grown and gone am stuck working for the company where this MM works, and also live very close to the guy who went back to his ex-wife (I was thinking of buying and he suggested I move near him - I found an affordable house but he dumped me about 3 weeks after I moved in).

Life seems just a series of endless tunnels and corners; none of the tunnels have any lights, and the corners just keep on coming. The only think keeping me going is my kids, but I have been thinking for a while now that if by the time I'm 50 I'm still alone, and unhappy then I might as well not be here. I fear growing old alone very much.

In so many ways I have nothing to be depressed about - have 2 lovely kids, a house, a job, and am healthy and young looking for my age. I am slim, dress nicely and am generally considered a nice person by my work colleagues. I am well educated and although I have very low self-esteem can over as a confident, capable and independent woman.

I'm not sure what I expect from this site but if it's somewhere to go to get some support during my down times, that'll be great.

[pablos]

(((hopefulness))),
Welcome. I just joined this site last week and have already benefited greatly. We all have our good days and bad days. Relationships impact us all. Explore some of the other forums and I think you will see many ways relationships affect how we feel.

Its one day at a time for me.

Keep coming back.

pablos

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( hopefulness )))))))))))))))

Love the nick, a good sign you don't give up. Welcome to the forums, hope you enjoy visiting and reading other areas and you will get some honest support here.

Warmie

[Obayan]

sending you a nice big (((( hug )))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( hopefulness )))))))))))))))

You will fine we love giving hugs, they come from the heart.

Warmie