Hello everyone

[Atrophy]

OK, hi everyone, I have been in chat a few times.

Erm a little about me-

I have severe/clinical depression, I got diagnosed with it at 15 and was on medication (different types) for about 6 years, but I'm affected quite strongly by them all, venlafaxine was the last one and I had such bad effects on it, and then felt really awful coming off it that I did not want to go on medication again. So have been off meds for 2 years. I was a self harmer for most of it, I am doing quite well at the minute, and it only happens very occasionally- when things are really really bad.

The last year I have also had anxiety problems and panic attacks.

I have always been a bit paranoid and have occasionally seen people, but then at christmas this year, I became quite delusional with visual and auditory hallucinations. I was at uni though, and despite a su attempt I managed to hide it. This was an incredibly scary time- as non real people were trying to kill me and I thought most real people were working for the same force. I am currently much better and hallucinations are much more infrequent. But this obviously does not help anxiety. So I have trouble sorting out reality sometimes (most of it I can tell), which is very frustrating.

I have just finished uni and have moved back home, and I really don't want my family to find out any of the stuff that has happened this year, so am really worried about it happening again, or them noticing when bits do happen. I have caused them enough problems and have given them enough to worry about as it is. So I feel quite alone with it- even if I told them they wouldn't understand, it took them about 4 years to get used to the fact I had depression. But I know they are well meaning- just not always helpful.

Hope to see you around- this intro feels both long and brief :s so is probably random!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( Atrophy )))))))))))))))

This warmed my heart, knowing you are fighting your own battle you are still putting family and loved ones ahead of your concern. Not always an easy task, proud of you for accomplishing this.

Do you have a doctor, or someone you truly trust that you can talk with? Know that you can share here. Many caring people, just as there are in the chat room. All give as much as possible to stand by another with support and understanding.

Hope to see you posting more, welcome home, this is our home...

Warmie

[Atrophy]

Thank you.

I did tell my counsellor a few weeks ago (was very hard to tell her!- even though I trust her) and she said I should go see my doctor again. I didn't want to do this earlier (I had to see doctors and psychs in january) but I couldn't tell them because I had to get through uni, and I could not afford to be on meds as I cannot function to do my work and I really do not like psychs- I'm sure there are some good ones out there, I just haven't met any yet.

But seen as I have moved back home, I feel I need to now because I don't want my family knowing and well its really hard work. So I have just booked an appointment- which I am terrified about!! It is with a nice doctor, but it's the same one I saw in January and I think she might be a bit miffed that she tried to help me then but I didn't tell her most of this stuff. So I have written her a letter saying everything (this way I wont skip bits if I get scared and I won't get misunderstood so easily- I am much better at writing than speaking!)

[hollyann]

Its good that you wrote it out. And I don't believe the doctor will be a bit miffed at all. It takes time to build up trust. And until that is build people hold back some. What you are doing is really courageous.

Holly

[Obayan]

Try keeping a journal. It can be a good way to track how you are doing even when measured in baby steps. But even if you never go back and read any of it, it will help to get it all out and off your back.

I wish you the best.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( Atrophy )))))))))))))))

Great thoughts and ideas you just received from these two lovely ladies.

(((((((((((( Holly and Obayan ))))))))))))

Warmie