((((((((MICH)))))))) Hey mich i dont know how your feeling ,,youve been so kind and left me some nice messages ,,thankyou your so thoughtful ,
just gonna give you a hug ,,((((((((((mich thankyou)))))))))),,,,,lots of love ken and fran be safe xxxxx
The Bottom
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
I had a few brighter days this week where I actually made an effort with my appearance ie put on nice clothes, nice shoes and a smattering of make up. However, the darkness has fallen again and with it come exteme feelings of impulsiveness. I have cut down on one of my meds that usually controls this and am feeling the effects now. I am basically trying to stay out of the car as much as possible because I feel fairly dangerous in the car. I am also staying away from anything sharp in the home. My husband has mandated that I wear long sleeves due to the scars on my arms. I don't want to create any more scars because I am hoping these will fade and I will be able to wear short sleeves in the heat. My husband's concern is the kids seeing them because it is fairly obvious what I was up to.
I had a difficult session with my psychiatrist today....actually most of the time they are quite difficult. Some days he makes me face unpleasant truths that I really don't want to acknowledge and today was one of those days. I know it will ultimately help me but it is painful going through it.
I had a difficult session with my psychiatrist today....actually most of the time they are quite difficult. Some days he makes me face unpleasant truths that I really don't want to acknowledge and today was one of those days. I know it will ultimately help me but it is painful going through it.
MY POOR MICH
oh mich your poor arms ,,this saddens me deeply ,what you must be going thru ,,and all i can offer is a few words to say i care for you so much ,,and am thinking of you ,,seems such few words for a pain so profound ,ill keep the candle burning ,,and i do care ,and fear for your safety ,,i beg you dont ,,,you know what i mean ,i cant bear to say the words ,,be safe for you ,your family ,,and me and us all ....dont underestimate your own strentgh and will ,,your so brave to talk candidly about how you feel ,,as much as it hurts you ,,i feel your pain to ,,but im sure you must know your always in my thoughts ,and i find comfort in your kind words to me and fran ,,who by the way is feeling quite a bit better now ,,,ok mich have to go now see you again soon ,take care ,
lots of love hugs ((((((((((mich ))))))))))),,,,look around we are all here with you ,,love ken xxxx
lots of love hugs ((((((((((mich ))))))))))),,,,look around we are all here with you ,,love ken xxxx
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
)
I have had a very rough last few days compounded by the fact that no one in my "real life" seems to understand the severity of depression pain. I suppose it is unreasonable to expect that they would but I think my husband especially does not understand how it can be so debilitating. He also believes I am not doing enough to help myself get better. Granted, I am doing some destructive things but at the same time am managing to function somewhat with the kids and in the household. I don't want to feel this way but after so many years I am really skeptical that things will ever change for me. I want to broach the subject of ECT and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) with my doctor. I have not tried these things yet and I think I am at the point where I need to try a different plan of attack. I have been taking meds and doing therapy religiously for years and yet I am still suffering terribly. The pain is so deep and so intense and I feel trapped inside it. I think often of the permanent end to my pain and even bought a book to read about it. Something has to change. I have to find a way to lessen this agony.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) I hate that you are in so much pain my sister. It is undeserved and after all you've been through you DO deserve happiness. Someone quoted to me, from I forget who, "Memories are the ultimate back-stabbers." I hate that the deplorable way you were treated in your childhood and all that pain is stealing your present. I wish nothing more for you than peace and being able to enjoy your kids, maybe volunteer a little, go to group and maybe make a friend or two.
I confess I did that too...buy a book one time to instruct me on how to permanently end my pain. But please don't keep reading it...please take that option OFF THE TABLE for the sake of your children if nothing else. As long as you are buying books and able to read, why not pick up "Courage to Heal" as ((((((((Peep))))))))))) suggested? I am sure there are other similar books on the topic...for some reason I fear you somehow blame yourself for what happened when it was NEVER your fault.
As far as summer and short sleeves, they advertise in USA and sure available in Canada although maybe under different name Mederma scar cream to help scars fade...don't know if it works but might be worth a try. Also, you might try tanning lotion I like the Estee Lauder medium tanning cream...anyway, if the scars are white this should cover, if dark, you can wipe off a bit of the lotion before it sets in on the scars and should blend...also if you scrub hard enough once set it, it wears it off a bit so this may cover or blend the scars...a little concealer make-up stick might work too.
So want you to heal. Do believe it is possible. Unfortunately, its just sometimes the only way out of a dark tunnel to reach the light is to go through it. Therapy may be grueling, but hopefully its like cleaning out a wound...painful but necessary before it can be stitched.
(((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) wishing you light and peace in your day...
I confess I did that too...buy a book one time to instruct me on how to permanently end my pain. But please don't keep reading it...please take that option OFF THE TABLE for the sake of your children if nothing else. As long as you are buying books and able to read, why not pick up "Courage to Heal" as ((((((((Peep))))))))))) suggested? I am sure there are other similar books on the topic...for some reason I fear you somehow blame yourself for what happened when it was NEVER your fault.
As far as summer and short sleeves, they advertise in USA and sure available in Canada although maybe under different name Mederma scar cream to help scars fade...don't know if it works but might be worth a try. Also, you might try tanning lotion I like the Estee Lauder medium tanning cream...anyway, if the scars are white this should cover, if dark, you can wipe off a bit of the lotion before it sets in on the scars and should blend...also if you scrub hard enough once set it, it wears it off a bit so this may cover or blend the scars...a little concealer make-up stick might work too.
So want you to heal. Do believe it is possible. Unfortunately, its just sometimes the only way out of a dark tunnel to reach the light is to go through it. Therapy may be grueling, but hopefully its like cleaning out a wound...painful but necessary before it can be stitched.
(((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) wishing you light and peace in your day...
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
As is so often the case, I agree with (((( shatteredhopes ))))!
(((( Mich )))) I'm sorry that you're feeling as intensely miserable as you are. I would so hope that you can find your way to at least some " light and peace in your day " today. ( I wonder where that phrase came from? Well, if you're going to steal, why not steal from the best?!
)
Like (((( shatteredhopes )))) I would also urge you to change your reading matter, as it were!!!! Some books are best left unread. ( And, as a world-class geek, that isn't something that I ever thought I might say!
)
Your family really WOULD miss you!!!! And so would all of us!!!! Please take care of yourself, you ARE of value!!!! I find it helps me to believe that we can ALL find our way to the better days that we All do deserve. ( You VERY MUCH included!!!! )
(((( Mich )))) I'm sorry that you're feeling as intensely miserable as you are. I would so hope that you can find your way to at least some " light and peace in your day " today. ( I wonder where that phrase came from? Well, if you're going to steal, why not steal from the best?!
)
Like (((( shatteredhopes )))) I would also urge you to change your reading matter, as it were!!!! Some books are best left unread. ( And, as a world-class geek, that isn't something that I ever thought I might say!
)
Your family really WOULD miss you!!!! And so would all of us!!!! Please take care of yourself, you ARE of value!!!! I find it helps me to believe that we can ALL find our way to the better days that we All do deserve. ( You VERY MUCH included!!!! )
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
Despite my pain, I have tried hard to get out into the world today and exhibit some form of functioning. I have showered and put on clean clothes and run a few errands. For the most part I am sequestered in my home so today was a triumph of sorts. I do not eat and my chest feels like it is being crushed by despair. It is scary to think that this is all that is left in life for me. After years and years, it is hard to keep remaining hopeful for a cure but I must try to do so. I have no more words...
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
(((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))
You are trying, you are taking small steps and YOU aren't giving up. Personally I am proud of you.
What is in our lives with depression, I don't know, but like you and your shining example, I am not giving up. Whatever is there, is there.
Keep going, keep doing all you can. Please know I will give all the support I can.
Warmie
You are trying, you are taking small steps and YOU aren't giving up. Personally I am proud of you.
What is in our lives with depression, I don't know, but like you and your shining example, I am not giving up. Whatever is there, is there.
Keep going, keep doing all you can. Please know I will give all the support I can.
Warmie
Thank you (((((everyone))))) for your kindness and support.
I am in a bad place today. My depression is bad, my urges for self harm are high and I am having an attack of my palindromic rheumatism which is a form of arthritis. It causes a lot of physical pain and I am swallowing way too many ibuprofens with little effect.
Day after day I wake up in the same place mentally. Nothing changes in the level of my misery and despair. I have been trying to get out more. I have gone to a new library, gone out for coffee, had lunch out with my daughter and her friend etc but nothing seems to ease the pain. I have to talk to my doctor about alternate treatments...new meds or some other treatment...but for some reason I am afraid to. I am afraid to switch meds because I am terrified of the weight gain associated with some of them. Even though the cocktail I am on now appears to be doing absolutely nothing, I keep shovelling it back every day. Why?
Really, what is the point in continuing to live this way? I am not a positive in anyone's life. I do not bring happiness and light...only darkness. I am miserable and even though I try, I can't seem to eek out one ounce of joy in anything. I set a terrible example for my children as an incapacitated mother. I am not much of a wife or companion. I have no friends nor the ability to get any. I feel so self centered and focussed on self and that is not helping me. My mind is so cluttered with racing thoughts that I cannot even have intelligent conversation with anyone. It feels like a hopeless existence.
I am in a bad place today. My depression is bad, my urges for self harm are high and I am having an attack of my palindromic rheumatism which is a form of arthritis. It causes a lot of physical pain and I am swallowing way too many ibuprofens with little effect.
Day after day I wake up in the same place mentally. Nothing changes in the level of my misery and despair. I have been trying to get out more. I have gone to a new library, gone out for coffee, had lunch out with my daughter and her friend etc but nothing seems to ease the pain. I have to talk to my doctor about alternate treatments...new meds or some other treatment...but for some reason I am afraid to. I am afraid to switch meds because I am terrified of the weight gain associated with some of them. Even though the cocktail I am on now appears to be doing absolutely nothing, I keep shovelling it back every day. Why?
Really, what is the point in continuing to live this way? I am not a positive in anyone's life. I do not bring happiness and light...only darkness. I am miserable and even though I try, I can't seem to eek out one ounce of joy in anything. I set a terrible example for my children as an incapacitated mother. I am not much of a wife or companion. I have no friends nor the ability to get any. I feel so self centered and focussed on self and that is not helping me. My mind is so cluttered with racing thoughts that I cannot even have intelligent conversation with anyone. It feels like a hopeless existence.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
It is NOT true that you do bring no light...you bring light into our days here with your support and kindness. The fact that you had lunch with your daughter and her friend shows you are not completely incapacitated, you are doing things with your kids even though you don't feel like it. I would wager you are a wonderful mother, doing much for your children despite how hard it is for you...and you know my mom is severely disabled, but just in cooking a dinner for me once in awhile she brightens my day...you maintain the household and are there for them...they would be destroyed if anything happened to you and would never understand.
Maybe try group? I think you might find friends there just like you have here only these would be people you could go for coffee with with no pressure as they would UNDERSTAND. Are you still thinking of ECT? Have you picked up "The Courage to Heal" or anything? Sometimes the meds have little or no effect, unless they are done with a combination of things...I am looking forward to hopefully going to group twice a month starting next month. The nice thing is, its only a few minutes on each person and you don't have to get into anything you don't want to, and you can support others...think you would do well in group setting.
((((((((((Mich))))))))) thinking of you and wishing you light and peace in your day...sorry you are in so much physical pain, know for me that makes the mental worse when physically hurting too. Hope you find some relief.
Maybe try group? I think you might find friends there just like you have here only these would be people you could go for coffee with with no pressure as they would UNDERSTAND. Are you still thinking of ECT? Have you picked up "The Courage to Heal" or anything? Sometimes the meds have little or no effect, unless they are done with a combination of things...I am looking forward to hopefully going to group twice a month starting next month. The nice thing is, its only a few minutes on each person and you don't have to get into anything you don't want to, and you can support others...think you would do well in group setting.
((((((((((Mich))))))))) thinking of you and wishing you light and peace in your day...sorry you are in so much physical pain, know for me that makes the mental worse when physically hurting too. Hope you find some relief.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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