Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[Mich]

Great advice that you have for (((tacking))), (((shatteredhopes))).
It's always good to hear that you are feeling a little better emotionally although I am concerned about your physical pain. I understand how hard it is to engage but even going out to your thrift store and looking around and saying hello to people counts. It doesn't have to be a big thing. I think I might take a trip to our thrift store today to have a look around. I also have some kids clothes to donate. Take good care today....remember it is always good to get a little fresh air if you can. Thinking of you....Mich

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( shatteredhopes )))), thanks for your suggestion re. the campaign of my quite young and cute MP!
There are only two ever-so-small problems with it: ( Sigh! )

1. Being seen within 5 miles of a clinically depressed, Doctor Who obsessive, who has his own Star Trek uniform, and spends hours each week hanging out at my friend's comic shop, would probably lose her the election in her marginal constituency!!!!

2. I think her husband might disapprove!!!!

3. Also, I think that she's quite ambitious, and ambitious women make me slightly nervous!

Seriously though, good to hear you talking about engaging again at some point in the future. In the meantime do please take care of yourself. Sometimes, as I was once told: " You need to be your own project for a while. " Sometimes just taking a " breathing space " can be enough to be going on with. (((( Mich )))) makes some very good suggestions. I often feel better just going outside for a while, browsing through the charity shops, or to the library, or to a coffee shop. Just take it easy....

[shatteredhopes]

((((((Mich)))))))

((((((Tacking)))))) I think you should put on your Star Trek uniform and fill a briefcase full of comic books and go to her office and tell her you will help her with this important demographic in the community...trekies and comic book fans...and offer to do a commercial for her turning her into a super-hero! Then put a vulcan grip on her husband and steal her away for a dinner of cheese and toast...tell her to tone down her ambitions and you will be hers for the taking! Teasing you friend, I for one think you are adorable, so wise and compassionate and humorous in the face of sorrow...any woman would be lucky, I mean truly lucky, to win your wonderful Welsh heart.

Anyway, was soooo suicidally depressed last night and nothing seemed to help the overwhelming pain...ending up taking two ativan just to sleep and woke up emotionally a bit better but in terrible terrible physical pain with rain moving in...my mom and the ladies at her beauty shop feeling it too...I could hardly sit up straight back in so much pain, shoulder hurt and hands locked up when trying to make coffee and legs ache soooo bad...two hot baths two doses of ibuprophen and I'm hurting but better. In a way its good because the physical pain is so bad its taking my mind off the emotional pain and I"m working hard to block things out so that I don't get overwhelmed or I won't make it through the night.

Urg. Just so weary. My journey has been so long and difficult and have had much, much more than I could bear over the last five years and old wounds reopened and no way to get help or hope of turning things around. Existing out of obligation to my mother and trying to comfort myself as best I can what little I can and just plain old resentful about the unfairness of life and why some have it so hard and some have it so great, and feeling ever more powerless to do anything to make a difference in the world or even for my little self and my stupid meaningless life.

My prayers to die have fallen on deaf ears or become lost in the void of the universe. I am deteriorating more and more as time goes by, and don't know how I can manage to do anything about it. Hardly leave the house anymore. Lay in the bed mostly, and fight the urge to lethally harm myself moment to moment. Such is my pathetic existence.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( shatteredhopes )))), thanks sooooooo much for your kind words
Although, I'm still just ever-so-slightly-doubtful about their practicality......... ( I keep seeing newspaper headlines like:

" South Wales Man Subjects MP to Eight-Hour Comic-Reading Ordeal. "

" Police Rescue MP And Husband From Cheese On Toast Den. "

" Authorities Claim Attempted Coup D'Etat By Rogue Starfleet Officers Foiled. " )

Still, I have a suspicion that she might still prefer a political career over dating me. She could be leader of the Parliamentary Liberal Democrat Party eventually. ( It's actually quite a small party, fifty-five or so MPs, and it's bound to be her turn eventually.... ) Also, she is married, and I'm totally against adultery! I'm very susceptible to guilt, I'm wracked with guilt about overdue library books!

Seriously though, I'm sorry that you're in such pain at the moment, and I very much hope that you had a night that at least showed you some mercy, and that you're at least not having too bad a day today.
Beyond that I'm at something of a loss for something wise to say. For whatever it's worth, your very kind words have brightened my day, in that sense at least you have made a difference today. And I hope you'll forgive me if I say that the world and this site REALLY wouldn't be the same without you.
I suppose all I can really do is to hope that the world turns and things will be better with you, and that, in the meantime, you will find people and things that will at least allow you to nurture the hope that there can be hope. ( I hope that that makes some sort of sense! Very often, when I'm trying to think of something useful to say, I wait for you to say something wise, and then agree with you, so that I can seem wise myself. However, that wouldn't work in this situation would it?

EG: " (((( shatteredhopes )))), I agree with (((( shatteredhopes )))) "? No. Doesn't work does it?

But, I can, and do hope that things get better for you, and that YOU find some peace and hope in your day

[Mich]

((((shatteredhopes))))) I'm right there with you, sister. We have to keep finding ways to hold on with the belief that the future holds something much better. I am so sorry you are in such physical + mental pain and if there was something I could do to take it away, I would in a second. Let's hold on together or to each other and get through this. I agree with (((((tacking)))) that the world and this site are a much better place because of you. We need you here. Don't give up.

[lisalou]

My friend, I really hope you feel some peace and happiness soon and get some respite from your suffering

Love always, Lisa xxx

[xn728]

HEY (((((sister))))),,how are you ,,i know you suffer lots just now ,,and im sorry i havent been around ,,but ive been thinking about you ,,You have been silent and its a bit worrying ,,but im sure you will keep yourself safe ,
im missing you my dear freind hope we can talk soon ,,,always thinking of you hugs (((((sister))))),,lots of love ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Tacking, Lisa, Mich, Ken))))))))) Usually after sleep I feel better and yet woke today with the immediate realization I have nothing to wake up to or for...no pets to greet me and feed, no mate to look forward to talking to or hold me when I cry, no friends to talk to or spend time with, no job to get dressed for, no faith to go to church, no money to go treat myself to a coffee and just hang out with strangers at coffee shop, just my mom who I hardly ever see, with whom I will at some point today have a 3 minute phone conversation with where I will act like everything's okay because she just does not understand and worries.

Feeling worse and worse lately and just don't see anything to give me hope and start to turn things around. The SI has been intense and is getting harder to fight.

Just have no hope.

[xn728]

you have to find these things (((((sister))))),,,,,faith ,,your freinds are here not as freinds who can cuddle you in the flesh ,,witch i would do right now if it were possible ,,but freinds who need you non the less ,,if you dont get yourself out of this hole its going to be harder as the days go by ,,and that god is not going to give you the peaceful ending you keep hoping for ,,many times ive looked for death when i have been in pain ,,but it will never come ,,,the will of us here wishing you to be safe is to powerful even for the darkness to penatrate ,,i cant tell you what to do ,
but if you stay were you are you will only get worse ,,that i cannot bear to think about ,,im begging you to fight back ,stand up and grasp what you have left ,and climb that mountain as steep as it may seem back to were you belong ,,you are dearly missed here so many are falling at the feet of deppression at this time ,,i wish i could make you tea and give you a hug ,and maybe you would understand how much I /we care for you ,your breaking my heart with your pain ,i feel it to as with all of my freinds ,,you need to come home ,,i wont allow you to be lost damn it ,,,
stand up (((((sister))))),,,and show the darkness your not finished yet ,,
people here need your kind words ,,i need your kind words ,,,hugs ,,,,,
take care ((((((((((sister)))))))))),,lots of love ken xxx

[Peep212]

Aww shattered, that's a serious load on your plate. If you know the phone number and/or address to your ex, let the creditors know about it..i know it's hard, as my ex pulled that stunt on me with welfare to the tune of $600. Hugs

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Once again I would like to say something wise and profound. ( All I have to do now is to think of something wise and profound to say.........Er.....Um.......... )
Seriously though folks, I know how bleak it is to feel as you feel. An author who occasionally writes for the Guardian newspaper once said that, for her, depression was not so much a thing as a lack, an emptiness, a void.
How do you " self-start " when it feels that you have nothing to " self-start " for?
So, in lieu of something wise and profound, here are a few daft ideas, that worked for me, when I felt that I couldn't feel that I had anything to do or get up for. ( Yes, I know, I'm such a geek!!!! )

One of the things I used to do, ( and sometimes still do), when I felt that I couldn't think of anything to do was to add to my store of useless information. ( OK, I admit it, I'm a GEEK!!!!!!!!! )
I went to a library, logged on to the 'net, went into Google and just " free-associated " from one Google-search to another. Eg. I started by Google-searching " Denmark in World War 2 ", after this article there might be a list of related sites, one of which might lead me to another article, and another list of related sites, and so on..........After an hour or two of " smurfing the net " I'd have picked up a few bits of trivia, passed some time, and it got me out of the house.
Or, is there some subject that you might be interested in that you've never got around to learning about. Eg. When I was a boy, my parents had some books of collected World War 2 pictures. There were three or four pictures showing the " Winter War " of 1939-1940 between Finland and the Soviet Union. I always wondered what that was about, there was very little information about it, as it only last 104 days and was greatly overshadowed for the UK and most of Europe by World War 2.
But, as part of my recovery and to distract myself from my own depression, I've been reading what books about it that I can find, it appeals to me to learn about something that is:

1 History,

2 Military history, and,

3 Fairly obscure.....! ( Unless you're Finnish or Russian, of course! )

Or, I've been known to spend an almost-antisocial time browsing in bookshops.! You don't even have to buy anything....I very often don't!

Yes, I know, not exactly stunning-exciting suggestions, but, I find them useful just as a short term goal, when I can't think of any " loftier " purpose. Just to keep me distracted and interacting with the world to some extent until I feel better.

Please take care of yourself, please hang in there, if only from moment to moment........

[Mich]

((((shatteredhopes))))) It has been awhile since you have been on this thread. How are you doing?

[Mich]

Where are you? I am worried about you.

[xn728]

HEY (((((((sister))))))),,how are you ,,were are you ,,i feel the need for solitude sometimes so i may understand how your feeling ,,but you are safe i know that ,,im sure ,,just a hug then (((((((((sister )))))))),,,,KEEP SAFE
lots of love ken and fran xxxxx

[Mich]

You've been gone a long time. I hope everything is okay.