In serious need of a friend

[Mrs-G]

Hi,

So I'm new here.
As the title suggests I just really need someone to talk to.
I've been suffering with severe depression for the past 5 years, possibly longer. I'm only 20.
Basically a quick run through um, my mum was very ill when I was a child, she had cancer. I spent the majority of my childhood looking after my brother and sister and trying to look after my mum. I have a very strained relationship with my dad, who left when I was a baby, so I had no support from him. In this time I was also sexually abused for about 2 years (I actually can't even remember a time frame or an age, I guess I have blocked it all out, I just know it happened for a while)
My mum died when I was 15 leaving me with my stepdad and younger brother and sister. This was when my depression really kicked in and I started self harming. I started to see a psychiatrist and I told my stepdad about my problems, and then he threw me out.


In the past few years I have got myself together, I have my own flat, a good (ish) job, I'm engaged and getting married this year. But as good as it looks I am just so down all of the time.
My partner is in the army, so I'm very lonely. I don't have many friends as they all went to uni and made new ones.
I spend my days going to work, coming home and crying. I don't even seem to have a reason to cry, it can be anything that sets me off, most recently the strongbow advert on tv...
I feel completely worthless, and I can't even really speak to my fiance about everything as he has it hard enough!
We have been trying for a baby, and I got pregnant, and then lost the baby (it is about the 3rd baby I have lost as I suffer PCOS)
Since losing the baby my depression has spiralled.

He tries so hard with me, and he is honestly the only thing I have going, but he has told me that if I self harm again, he will end it with me.
Now all I want to do it self harm. I have managed to not do it, but I have almost swapped it for other things. I have started gorging on food and taking huge amounts of laxatives because I don't want it in me. I used to do the same thing when I was younger but I used to make myself sick, and I got so ill, I didn't want to go down that road again, so its almost like in my head I thought this would be better. I have a thing where when I eat I have to leave a small piece of everything on the plate and they all have to be the same size etc.
I just need a way of being in control.

I hate being this way, its pushing the few friends I have away and my partner.

I'm unable to see a psychiatrist as I work 6 days a week and have no time, so really I just need a chat.


Thank you for reading this, i know it was long, I guess I just needed to vent.

[marytexas]

i am so very sorry to see everything you have gone through. you really are doing exceptional with all the hurdles you have had to jump. self-harm. does that mean cutting on yourself? if so i used to do that.

[Mich]

Mrs G - I am sorry you have been through so much so young. What an enormous burden to bear. My heart goes out to you.
I also self harm and my husband is quite disgusted by it. I feel very guilty about it because I am quite a bit older than you, with teenage children, and they can see what I am doing. Have you tried any of the known techniques to avoid a self harming incident....like snapping an elastic band on your wrist or holding an ice cube? Sometimes these things can help.
Depression is a terrible thing and I really wish you could get some formal help. Could you not make an arrangement to leave work early once per week for a psychiatrist appointment? You might really benefit from it.
Take good care. You're in my thoughts.

[BlueberrySman]

how can you be worthless when your boyfriend is clearly in love with you.
plus you seem like a nice person. if you ever want to chat i will listen. i too feel worthless sometimes. just remember out of all the people in the world you are clearly one of the good ones. i wish you happyness and saftey.